Identity Crisis: Who Am I?

[Befuddled 7x70]

For many years I have been interested in the personality profiling tests not only to figure myself out but to understand why other people do what they do and be more accepting of the differences in people and encouraging others to be who they are.  However, I noticed that people would answer the questions for themselves vastly different than other people would answer for them leading me to realize that we tend to fool ourselves into believing we are who we WANT to be or TOLD to be rather than understanding who our core really is.

The question I have:  Is it normal for BPD children to have difficulties accepting who they are and living it? 

When I take the typical tests for the DISC model or other 4 quadrant personality tests I am split 50/50 on opposites - both the dominant chloric personality and the compliant phlegmatic personality.  According to the authors of one book I read - this shouldn't be possible.  I suspect that I am more dominant but I lack a lot of the drive and ambition that characterizes true dominate people.  I am very passive and agreeable but I am not lazy nor do I need others to motivate me either.  Because the split is so dramatic I can only believe that any sign of dominance from my uBPD mother was met with ridicule and reprimand.  She was dominant and did not want me to be.  However, at this point (I'm 38) how do I encourage my aggressive side and become who I was meant to become after years of adapting and diminishing the side of me that I could have been.

I feel like I don't really know which part of me is real anymore. . . do any of you have that problem?

[hwc9]

I just posted something that runs along these lines.  I think we are so propped up (whether we know it or not) by the BPDp in our lives that once we break free we hardly know what to do with ourselves.  Now, in theory it all sounds so logical; but living it and carving out your very own niche in life is so very difficult.  I find that I am rather wishy-washy about having opinions and I know that stems from my BPDm.  I never would have an opinion about ANYTHING until I found out hers (even well into adulthood).  I never wanted to risk disagreeing with her and dealing with her wrath and having to argue and explain myself.  How dare I have my own thoughts?  Who do I think I am?

In turn, I married someone with very definite, clear, opinions and has no fear in letting people know what he thinks.  He never cares if people get upset with him for how he feels about things.  I envy that about my husband. My family has always viewed him as a bit course and not very sensitive.  Perhaps... .  but I respect him so much more than my spineless family.

I think finding who we are takes daily practice and learning that we do not have to apologize for ourselves and our reasonable thoughts!

Peace.