I don't want to detach from my BPD girlfriend ... (But I have to ... )

[HarmKrakow]

Current state is that i'm still in a relationship with my BPD girlfriend however it's more than likely that we will split up. I've been postponing the moment for months now to get my own life back on track (job/other friends/forums like this) to pull the plug.

And the sooner I get to this moment, the more it hurts. I dread the moment of leaving her, as she was also my best friend besides the best girlfriend.

I now need to detach myself from her ... or atleast starting with this, although i'm still in a relationship I need to prepare myself to get ready and not drop in a black void.

1) I've heard from a friend and the shrink that it wouldn't be a bad idea to start writing about my 'love' story with my BPD gf. What i've heard from my friends, here at the forum, where I went for professional help, is that the way our relationship evolved, is the perfect text-book example of how a borderline relationship dissolves. I always have been a good writer, and I already documented everything and starting to put everything in a book together to warn others for the signs of this typical horrifying personality disorder as I wish none of my friends to go through the same emotional hell I went through.

However, this is purely just 1 method to start detaching myself from her.

I mostly wonder how I get back my self confidence in life (also for friendships and relationships). My self-esteem and self-confidence is so crushed because I thought I gave everything for this relationship and I seriously thought it was enough to save it. But i was so wrong.

Any tips? I don't feel confidence in even starting new friendships, as my BPD girlfriend told me that there was so many things wrong with me that I should be happy that other people would like to be friends with me ... as, what my BPD gf told me, I can't be trusted, I don't show her my love, I don't feel empathy, and whatever I tried, everything backfired on me. My social life has shrunk since my detrimental time with my BPD gf because I cut contact with the res tbecause I wanted to show her I dedicated my life to her ...

What to do?

[Tausk]

Hey Harmkrakow:

Hang in there.  You're in the right place and you sound like you've made a decision. Congrats. It was so hard for me, and I wavered often and still even after I know mentally that it was the right decision, my self esteem issues and the mental obstruction of the trauma bond still cause me self doubt emotionally.  But I know that I'm on the right path and recovery is possible. If your story mirrors the stories on the board, then the good news that is that there is a proven path to recovery.  

So if you are committed to leaving this is the board.  Otherwise the undecided board may be of more use.  But here, most are advocates of leaving quickly and having NO CONTACT for an extended period of time.  I know it sound scary, but it's a process and I've learned that I don't have to be perfect... .  Just committed.

It helps me to remember and accept the fact that I am a good person of character, who has short comings but am worthy of a loving relationship.  From what I read I believe you are as well.  In fact it's a common thread here for all of us on the board that we are good and loving, but our shortcomings made us vulnerable and lost to a disordered interaction.  So, even in my darkest times, I try and remember that my intentions were and are sincere, that I am a person of dignity and character, and that I deserve and will attain the loving relationships that will be mutally beneficial (wow what a concept )... .  but I may have to work for it.

My suggestions are:

1. Be patient.  I know that it has taken time for me, and trying to enjoy the process has been just as important as getting to a destination.

2. Be safe:  Leaving can be chaotic and potentially dangerous.  Watch the emotions and the anger on both sides.  Read the board's suggestion on how to leave.  Have a solid plan of action, with the ability to modify as necessary.  Talk to your T and friends.   Do you have children together? Separately? Property together?  Live together?... .  If you provide more info, then people can let you know how they dealt with their issues.

3. Separate first... .  then work on the self.  I needed to be clear of my ex before I was able to start self inventory and self awareness.  Otherwise, it was too much abuse, trauma, FOG and stockholm syndrome to understand anything.

4. Keep hope and  faith.  Many others have walked the path we are on, and they have found more than they could have hoped for when the journey started.  We can do the same.

5.  Keep moving forward.  I got stuck in fear and procrastination.  Familiar pain was a way for me not to look at myself and not to face the fear of being alone.  But a good plan and determination and committment to care for myself led me to execute the necessary functions.


You're not alone,

In support,

SP

[bpdspell]

Current state is that i'm still in a relationship with my BPD girlfriend however it's more than likely that we will split up. I've been postponing the moment for months now to get my own life back on track (job/other friends/forums like this) to pull the plug.

And the sooner I get to this moment, the more it hurts. I dread the moment of leaving her, as she was also my best friend besides the best girlfriend.

I now need to detach myself from her ... or atleast starting with this, although i'm still in a relationship I need to prepare myself to get ready and not drop in a black void.

1) I've heard from a friend and the shrink that it wouldn't be a bad idea to start writing about my 'love' story with my BPD gf. What i've heard from my friends, here at the forum, where I went for professional help, is that the way our relationship evolved, is the perfect text-book example of how a borderline relationship dissolves. I always have been a good writer, and I already documented everything and starting to put everything in a book together to warn others for the signs of this typical horrifying personality disorder as I wish none of my friends to go through the same emotional hell I went through.

However, this is purely just 1 method to start detaching myself from her.

I mostly wonder how I get back my self confidence in life (also for friendships and relationships). My self-esteem and self-confidence is so crushed because I thought I gave everything for this relationship and I seriously thought it was enough to save it. But i was so wrong.

Any tips? I don't feel confidence in even starting new friendships, as my BPD girlfriend told me that there was so many things wrong with me that I should be happy that other people would like to be friends with me ... as, what my BPD gf told me, I can't be trusted, I don't show her my love, I don't feel empathy, and whatever I tried, everything backfired on me. My social life has shrunk since my detrimental time with my BPD gf because I cut contact with the res tbecause I wanted to show her I dedicated my life to her ...

What to do?

HarmKrakow,



Like Schroder's piano stated you are in the right place to learn how to sort out your feelings and thoughts.

Aside from taking baby steps in taking care of yourself physically: exercise, hydration, hanging out with friends and family it's highly recommended that you see a core trauma therapist because BPD breakups usually leave us in crisis mode.

Have you read the articles:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

There is a lot to understand about this disorder. Reading these articles wear so pivotal in the beginning stages of trying to make sense of what I had experienced.

No one on here can force you to detach. Detaching is not punishment towards them. Detaching moving forward in accepting that the relationship dance of BPD is over.

There is an undecided board here for you to explore and I support you in that as well. More than likely you love this woman with all of your heart but taking care of yourself is important no matter what damage has been done.  

keep posting, ask questions, and keep venting your feelings here. You will read so many stories on here that are very similar to your own. You are certainly not alone.  

Spell

[HarmKrakow]

Current state is that i'm still in a relationship with my BPD girlfriend however it's more than likely that we will split up. I've been postponing the moment for months now to get my own life back on track (job/other friends/forums like this) to pull the plug.

And the sooner I get to this moment, the more it hurts. I dread the moment of leaving her, as she was also my best friend besides the best girlfriend.

I now need to detach myself from her ... or atleast starting with this, although i'm still in a relationship I need to prepare myself to get ready and not drop in a black void.

1) I've heard from a friend and the shrink that it wouldn't be a bad idea to start writing about my 'love' story with my BPD gf. What i've heard from my friends, here at the forum, where I went for professional help, is that the way our relationship evolved, is the perfect text-book example of how a borderline relationship dissolves. I always have been a good writer, and I already documented everything and starting to put everything in a book together to warn others for the signs of this typical horrifying personality disorder as I wish none of my friends to go through the same emotional hell I went through.

However, this is purely just 1 method to start detaching myself from her.

I mostly wonder how I get back my self confidence in life (also for friendships and relationships). My self-esteem and self-confidence is so crushed because I thought I gave everything for this relationship and I seriously thought it was enough to save it. But i was so wrong.

Any tips? I don't feel confidence in even starting new friendships, as my BPD girlfriend told me that there was so many things wrong with me that I should be happy that other people would like to be friends with me ... as, what my BPD gf told me, I can't be trusted, I don't show her my love, I don't feel empathy, and whatever I tried, everything backfired on me. My social life has shrunk since my detrimental time with my BPD gf because I cut contact with the res tbecause I wanted to show her I dedicated my life to her ...

What to do?

HarmKrakow,



Like Schroder's piano stated you are in the right place to learn how to sort out your feelings and thoughts.

Aside from taking baby steps in taking care of yourself physically: exercise, hydration, hanging out with friends and family it's highly recommended that you see a core trauma therapist because BPD breakups usually leave us in crisis mode.

Have you read the articles:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

There is a lot to understand about this disorder. Reading these articles wear so pivotal in the beginning stages of trying to make sense of what I had experienced.

No one on here can force you to detach. Detaching is not punishment towards them. Detaching moving forward in accepting that the relationship dance of BPD is over.

There is an undecided board here for you to explore and I support you in that as well. More than likely you love this woman with all of your heart but taking care of yourself is important no matter what damage has been done.  

keep posting, ask questions, and keep venting your feelings here. You will read so many stories on here that are very similar to your own. You are certainly not alone.  

Spell

Thank you so much for this post

And yeah i've read the article and it was almost a 100% match of what has happened in our relationship.

I'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing by still being in a relationship with her, but already trying to detach myself from her. We are in shaky grounds right now and I can't take the pressure anymore with her. It's dragging me down. Therefore I am already also seeking a therapist .

Especially the nostalgia, the memories. Those are the hardest issues. I've literally redecorated my entire bedroom. Why? Memories ... memories ...