He's been sleeping downstairs for two nights...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is it? Today is uBPDh birthday. He caused so much unnecessary drama. Didn't want a cake and told me today after i made a special trip to make sure he'd have one. I could tell he didn't like my card. I'm sick with a cold. He just blasted ME because our daughter came out of time out early. He put her in time out. He set the timer. He walked away and ignored her! I told him that was his responsibility because he established the timeout. He blamed me after all I did.

I'm done. No words. He's been sleeping downstairs for two nights 'so I'm not afraid.'

[Mind]

Is it? Today is uBPDh birthday. He caused so much unnecessary drama. Didn't want a cake and told me today after i made a special trip to make sure he'd have one. I could tell he didn't like my card. I'm sick with a cold. He just blasted ME because our daughter came out of time out early. He put her in time out. He set the timer. He walked away and ignored her! I told him that was his responsibility because he established the timeout. He blamed me after all I did.

I'm done. No words. He's been sleeping downstairs for two nights 'so I'm not afraid.'

[nowwhatz]

sparkle,

that sounds terrible. I don't think it qualifies as domestic violence but certainly sounds like a type of emotional abuse.

[20years]

Hiya sparkle awww I feel for you

and for what its worth... .  If he has been sleeping downstairs for two nights... .  whats going to happen when he gets fed up with that... .  

well I think he should be sleeping nowhere near you or a young child.

"So am not afraid" hmmm mental cruelty/emotional abuse can all too often result in domestic violence with BPD. I know that only too well... .  Ohhh yeah they might sleep down stairs but what do you think is going through his mind.

He used to say " I will show you you can't do this to me". Then the violence would start in the middle of the night.

My ex when he was in that situation could never take control of himself especially when under the influence of various substances.

Please take care of you and your precious daughter sparkle xx

[Mind]

I need some help here please. What do I say? Do I tell him he can no longer sleep here if we are married and both own the house?

He just came up and said thanks for everything! Like it never happened! I tried. I really did.

[20years]

You cannot tell him he can no longer sleep at the house because of your joint ownership and marriage.

However, you can say this relationship is over as far as I am concerned there is nothing more to say.  Do not enter into any discussion that might trigger him... .  

Just state cleary I intend to seek legal advice because I want a divorce and intend to start legal proceedings in terms of the marriage and the house... .  You have to act straight away because he won't take any notice you have to stand firm and show him you aint messing around anymore. Get that appointment sorted out asap and show him the evidence.

Awww of course you have tried bless you... .  Its just soo very hard... .  I understand truly I do...

[Mind]

Thank you 20y. I spent most of the weekend talking to him about how I feel about what's going on. My counselor said I'd know when it was time. She's right. I'm just not sure how to go about it. Maybe I will advise her tomorrow of what happened. I had the absolute best and really a good conversation with him the other day. I wasn't afraid. I was at peace and just told him like it is. He agreed that he has a problem. But when I asked him why he is with me, he couldn't answer the question. Then today happened.

I needed a sign and to listen to my intuition.

Is it worth sending his counselor a message or let it be?

[GreenTea]

Hi Sparkle13,

My jaw dropped when I read your initial post. My H's birthday is tomorrow. He hasn't spoken to me since a rage on Sunday and has been sleeping in the guest room since that day as well. Your story is so familiar to me. He wants nothing done for his birthday either. Our 5D gets really excited about birthdays so we made him a cake tonight. I'm a bit anxious about how he'll react tomorrow. I admire your courage to have that talk. I'm about at that point myself. I just want you to know you're not alone!

[20years]

hiya sparkle first things first a big hug for you because you are the one that matters its not about him anymore... .  

hmm in response to your question don't bother sending a message to his counsellor its not down to you... .  deal with your own businnes... .  let him do   do it... .  

Ohhh can't you just imagine what he will be saying to him/her... .  

My ex when he told his counsellor about me he was able to manipulate her as well as he was manipulating me. He proudly came back from a session and informed me "See I was right my counsellor thinks you are a horrible woman as well... .  she feels sorry for me"

Strange that statement this woman had never even met me. Yet she was acting in a professional capacity and making an assessment/judgement of my character/personality.  Obviously no knowledge at all in my opinion of counselling or indeed BPD.  Hmmm he actually had two sessions with his counsellor and that was it in 20 years... .   

[20years]

Hi green tea how did the birthday go ? I remember occasions like that... .  I bought him a beautiful present and walked into the room and gave it to him.

His response in front of other people " What have you bought me this for I don't want this... .  

me "oh I thought you would like it" Well I don't like it at all you keep it". I felt so humiliated... .  

Why did he do that ?... .  hmm it would seem to me that all the attention was on me from the people in the room because I had gone to so much effort. They said ohhh isnt that beautiful so in his twisted thought process for a  moment he wasn't getting the attention he needed. So he went into a verbal attack mode and not only made me feel so hurt and upset other people felt so uncomfortable and left almost immediately... .  

[GreenTea]

20years, (I feel like I'm hijacking Sparkle's thread!) H's birthday was uneventful. I kept everything lowkey this year. My daughter and I made him a cake on which he didn't want candles. He ate it and actually smiled (the first I've seen in over a month!) when our daughter and I sang to him. Of course, our daughter was too stinking cute with her crazy birthday song and dance, how could one not smile? Now he's out for a "walk." Who knows where to. He hasn't really spoken to me except to tell me that it's just another day. I didn't get him anything because of past birthdays like you described. And frankly, I just don't know what to get him anymore that he would appreciate that doesn't cost less than $500.

[20years]

hiya sparkle how has your day been today been thinkin about you Xx

[Mind]

Hi 20y! Thanks for asking! I'm okay. I came down with a minor flu bug. Laying low has allowed me to do lots of reflecting. My H had to take over the responsibilities. He pretty much ignores me when I'm sick. Funny, he is so funny and calm when he has to actually do something around here. You are right! It's about me now and that's what is important.

Green tea: I can relate! Especially to the part about gifts. My H thinks buying me overly priced gifts is what love is about and should make up for everything. No way!

My talk last weekend was really for me to get everything out that I've wanted to say but for him to see how things need to be to move forward. He showed me once again he can't meet those standards in order for me to have a healthy and loving relationship. The thing is he'd be fine living like this. I'm not! I'm meeting with my counselor next week to discuss what's next.

[20years]

Sparkle Awww sorry to hear that you havn't been feelin so good... .  keep yourself warm n toasty esp in this weather...

Me ex also like your H was quite happy for me live to life on his terms... .  when I challenged that and asked him to accept/respect my boundaries... .  he agreed... .  that didn't last long like every other issue that caused me immense pain...

In one case I asked him to come off a dating site that on his profile he was single... .  well what was I the invisible woman he could of ticked attached, cohabitating etc,... .  only been living with me for 19 years at that time

A couple of hours later back on it again with a new name and totally new profile and still single... .  

[GreenTea]

Sparkle: I think we're living the same life! I met with my T yesterday about the next steps. I'm getting paper work together so I can put a timetable together. I think I am going to go through with it: separation. It's just having that talk with him again... .  :'( But like you said, I'm not OK with living like this anymore either. I hope you're feeling better!

[Mind]

Green tea- Yep, I see some similarities. Keep us posted. I've called my therapist twice to update her but I see her this week.

So today another episode happened. I was resting in the bedroom. He was just fine a few hours before. He said his mom is having a bday party at her house on sat. bc I didn't. He asked if we had plans and I stated that my sister's birthday is this weekend and I didn't know what day we were celebrating.  I could tell he was getting angry inside. I asked him to resay that over- I told him he is not allowed to talk to me like that.  I said I don't allow you to talk to me that way. He was mad at me for standing up for myself.  It was all because I didn't throw him a party  and reward him for his awful behavior!

He then threatened me and said he's taking the kids to his parents for this party and if I feel like coming fine. Those are the plans and that's it. He stormed out of the room. Minutes later he tells me he's set up a counseling appointment tomorrow.

I called to update my counselor. I was shaking. I think I'm counting the days... .