Detachment fantasy becoming a reality.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have partially subconsciously been detaching.  More than I realize.  I am purposely in some ways, but I am starting to realize the my body and mind are forcing themselves to do more than I thought. And, apparently its working.  I can feel a division between us grow larger and larger.  She feels that I cannot support her or give her what she needs, I do not talk to her about anything, I do not involved her in anything in my life and I barely even speak to her.  I work, come home, do chores and go to sleep.  I know there is a clarity to her, because I will very shortly speak to her in monotony and sobriety, and instantly light up and smile and laugh at my son and play with him.  I dont even realize it sometimes.  I am very cold to her with out thinking about it.  And I am starting to see her breaking hold.

And I'm starting to realize that this is going to be scary.  If this happens, its a big deal.  My mind made light of it to get me here, and I'm starting to realize that this is a massive situation.  I'm not married, but have a child with my BPDgf.  I am both overcome by fear and emotionally numb to cope with the possible negative outcomes (mainly losing my son.)  I'm pretty freaked out.  It was in my head so long, I can't handle it feeling real.  I'm also emotionally confused on the level of the relationship.  I'm having a hard time realizing why I don't want to be here.  Does this happen?  Do we block out the bad for the good?  Sounds reasonable.

Scared.

[Winglessfallen]

I have partially subconsciously been detaching.  More than I realize.  I am purposely in some ways, but I am starting to realize the my body and mind are forcing themselves to do more than I thought. And, apparently its working.  I can feel a division between us grow larger and larger.  She feels that I cannot support her or give her what she needs, I do not talk to her about anything, I do not involved her in anything in my life and I barely even speak to her.  I work, come home, do chores and go to sleep.  I know there is a clarity to her, because I will very shortly speak to her in monotony and sobriety, and instantly light up and smile and laugh at my son and play with him.  I dont even realize it sometimes.  I am very cold to her with out thinking about it.  And I am starting to see her breaking hold.

And I'm starting to realize that this is going to be scary.  If this happens, its a big deal.  My mind made light of it to get me here, and I'm starting to realize that this is a massive situation.  I'm not married, but have a child with my BPDgf.  I am both overcome by fear and emotionally numb to cope with the possible negative outcomes (mainly losing my son.)  I'm pretty freaked out.  It was in my head so long, I can't handle it feeling real.  I'm also emotionally confused on the level of the relationship.  I'm having a hard time realizing why I don't want to be here.  Does this happen?  Do we block out the bad for the good?  Sounds reasonable.

Scared.

[thefisherman]

I can relate to what you are saying.

The disconnecting is part of the BPD'ers fears, right?  It starts to feel like abandonment to her.   You detach.  She reacts.  You detach more.  she reacts even more strongly.  You both spiral down.

Detatching from her extreme reactions seems natural but it isn't helpful.  Look for the S.E.T. communication tools and try to break out of your part of the cycle.  I recognize it is not easy.  I haven't been successful at breaking out of my side yet.

[atcrossroads]

Wingless,

Yes, I relate completely - your situation almost describes mine exactly.  Unlike you I'm in  a long (10+) marriage with no kids, but the feelings of scariness are the same - yes, it has suddenly become 100% real to me, and it is terrifying but also liberating.  Therapy and good friends have really saved me and helped me understand how toxic our relationship has been.  Are you getting any T?  This is NOT an easy process whatsoever, and I feel for you!

I have been detaching more hardcore (as you describe) for the better part of the last 10 months or so, and exactly what you describe happened.  WE have spiraled downward; I am finding myself, but the distance between US is DEEP.  He became very angry - has told me in more than one argument that he doesn't even feel like I'm a wife.  I have detached because I could no longer handle the constant turmoil (I realize now he will always have turmoil in his life- it's who he is - though he has the wonderful traits, as well)--- the early years of our marriage were so much happier (I can see the red flags now but I also see that I was mostly painted white, and it was me and him against the world).  

But even then we had clashes - interestingly mostly they were when he was AGAINST someone, which was almost all the time.  Frequent conflicts at work, etc.  And the clash occurred when I would disagree with him (I am a peaceful person who gets along with most everyone).  I would say things like, "well, I can understand how you felt, but can you see how x might have felt?  Is there a different way you could have handled it"?  This would utterly INFURIATE him and provoke rages where he would tell me "you don't even support me and you're my own wife.  NO ONE supports me.  F' everything.  I'm sick of being alive!... .  on and on and on... .  "

So, I learned that "disagreement" (on anything mind you) was perceived to him as LACK OF SUPPORT.  We had a few tumultuous years of this - I was a slow learner.  Then we made an official agreement that I would only listen in supportive (validating) way and never offer a different opinion.

That is when I see I started to detach subconsciously, as you said you have.  I learned I could not have a real convo with my husband. He had a different reality.  When you can't really "talk" to your spouse without all the smoke and mirrors of placating, I think it is natural to detach.  I still didn't understand it all, but yes, I pulled my heart back.

The detachment escalated when things blew up last spring- I really couldn't handle it.   I entered counseling.  Pulled back from him a LOT.  Spent LOTS of time out of the house with friends, keeping busy.  He HATES to be ignored.  Yes, he noticed this distance.  We talked and fought about it this summer.  He asked if I were having an affair!  Finally, I told him I find it hard to talk to him and I have worked later, stayed away more because of that.  You can imagine how that went over.  "You are not even a wife!  I barely have a roommate, etc."

So, yes, detaching I think has been healthy for me - we are now full blown separated in different rooms in house - but it has also been very difficult and confusing.  We are moving toward divorce (however I post on the different boards).  And, yes, this is SCARY as HELL!  Everything about it, and I can't imagine going through this with kids as so many on her have.  

My heart goes out to you... .  enter counseling if you can, find a good friend to confide in for support, keep posting here (so much good advice here!).  I think what you are experiencing is totally natural but very DIFFICULT.

In the end, only you can choose what is right for you and your son - if you stay, learn and use all the tools of validation, etc. if you leave - it will be hell now but perhaps freeing later.

Best of luck to you!  

[Winglessfallen]

I completely understand that placating.  I cannot truly share my opinions.  When I have, its been a mix of responses, but when its bad, its bad.  We had a talk this past weekend about how I don't feel like I can talk to her about my emotions because of some of the times she has completely disregarded and invalidated my feelings, often saying, you are just whining and have no reason to be depressed.  We spoke on the phone, because a few times she has spoken with me recently I have gotten very irate, and she has gotten fearful of speaking to me (a side of me I didn't know existed and has come out in this relationship).  I felt freer to speak not looking her in the eyes, and it seemed to help.  I was able to thinking clearer and speak my mind.  She seemed to genuinely apologize for what she has said in the past. 

But I never trust it, and it always seems to continue.  Even that same night she came in heated because I was rocking our son for too long and she couldn't sleep because she was having anxiety attacks because he wasn't in the crib on the video monitor.

Its a very toxic environment, and we're both providing it.  Its been very difficult putting on a show, but sometimes its not, sometimes its real.

I am in therapy.  I started a couple weeks ago and go for my second session wednesday.  He has experience with BPD and is her former T, so I think he is a good fit.  I am hoping it will help with the situation, whether alleviating it some, or helping my decision making.  I understand that it is difficult to want to be a part of a relationship where you're guarding your words and cannot speak freely.  I too, have found myself trying to leave as much as possible to be away from her.  I have been taking our son places on the weekends so that she can be alone, but also so that I can be away from her.  The job I once hated is now a refuge from her.  Its crazy to feel this way about your "partner", but I do.  And I find it so hard to know whether to trust my feelings and instincts or to continue to fight through it all.