Should I stay or should I go? -- long post

[saitek]

Sorry for the long post…

I do not know if I’m still in-love with my BPDw.  I feel pity, guilt and sadness for her. I want her to be happy. But I’m not sure that I will ever be happy with her again. On her good days, we get along fine and things seem ok but they never really get better. I have zero passion for her sexually and all of that has been replaced with worry, resentment, doubt, and anxiety.

When she asks me (often) if I still love her I have to lie because while I do still care deeply for her (a form of love yes) I do not however feel that I’m in-love with her anymore and I don’t know how to fix that inside me. And of course I can’t tell her how I truly feel, seeing as how that would start a war. Her adversarial walls would come up and I’d be blocked out and eventually made to feel guilty for ever expressing an opinion that contrasted hers.

So I don’t know what to do anymore. We have a 6yr old d and she’s the light and joy of my life. My BPDw is not physically abusive to her although at times in the height of her anger when she’s disciplining her there are moments I feel her verbal rage is a touch excessive and hurtful . To contrast that, when she’s level headed she’s the best mom she can be. We’ve been married now for 8 years and her symptoms started to worsen around yr 2 of our marriage and have just escalated downward since then with a few peaks here and there. Your typical rollercoaster ride of emotion.

She is unemployed at the moment and has been for the past 6 years and can not manage to get more than 2 or 3 things done in a day before she gives up. I need a sanity check, is it asking too much to expect that the kitchen dishes will be clean and a meal prepared for me when I arrive after working 40hr weeks to keep us afloat? Isn’t that what a wife is expected to do?  Is it too much to ask that she unpack the boxes stacked in the dinning room from March of 12 when we moved to our new house?

I’m an avid gamer and enjoy playing video games in moderation to unwind but she’s been playing this mmo(Massive, Multiplayer Online game) called secondLife more than she engages in her real life. It’s hard for me to get her away from her pc to do anything other than eat a meal or get our d off to school. Last year I caught her having an emotional affair with a man online in that mmo. It devastated me and I offered her an opportunity to come clean and tell me the truth (that I already knew) and she lied to my face. It cut me like a knife and since that day I’ve not been able to feel that trusting bond that I used to. I have to fake passion for her to keep the peace and it’s gnawing at my soul.

She begged me to forgive her and swore that she’d never play that game again or talk to that man ever again. How was I to believe her?  We had a long talk and I confessed that I wasn’t sure if I loved her anymore and she became upset and moved out to live with her grandmother. Some how, I allowed her to make me feel guilty for her having to move out…somehow she turned it around on me and I was suddenly the bad guy and I let it happen. She talked her way back into my house 2 months later. She’s high functioning and knows how to cut and spin with her words much more than I can, when she truly wants something.

And now we come full circle 6 months or so back she started playing that mmo again secondLife…the very thing she promised she would not do.  To my knowledge, she is not talking to her affair but again…how can I really know without snooping and I don’t think I can snoop anymore. But the distrust is there gnawing at me in the back of my skull.

So I don’t know what to do anymore…I don’t want to drag my d through a devastating divorce but how can I maintain this? I suppose I can just compartmentalize my happiness and try to shove all the dreams that I had of having a strong confident partner by my side to the back and try to eek out some level of joy but how do I do that?

[Washisheart]

If the love is gone, I would say its time to start thinking about your future & where you see yourself in five years. I am sure divorce is never an easy decision. But do you want to spend the next twelve years supporting someone you don't love? You do realize though, if you leave you should take your daughter. Atleast until you see how she reacts.

[GreenTea]

WOW! I was reading your post Washisheart, I kept thinking this is me, this is me. Minus the gaming and emotional affair, your story is mine. I have just allowed myself recently to think that awful thought, "I don't love him." Like you, I do care for him a great deal, but the continuous anger, pessimism, negativity have killed everything within me. I don't care anymore, and THAT scares me. I, too, want a strong life partner. I thought that that was what I was signing up for 15 years ago when I said, "I do." And in the beginning, it wasn't too bad, but it has continued to decline starting with year 7-8. I don't want a divorce either, but like you, how do I continue to go on? On his good days, my H is a great dad to our 5D, but those good days are maybe 1-2 times a week, lasting a few hours. I don't want to drag our daughter through a divorce, but then I don't want to live like this anymore. I am curious to what responses you may receive on this post, since I'm  in the same boat.

[GreenTea]

Whoops! Saitek, this was in response to your post! Sorry about the name mixup!

[saitek]

Whoops! Saitek, this was in response to your post! Sorry about the name mixup!

np  I thank you for your response and I do hope that maybe we can find some kind of guidance in the dark here. I'm soo soo very tired of the rollercoaster.

[hithere]

I didn't really get anything BPD from what you wrote but perhaps there are signs that you did not mention.  It mostly sounds like your wife is depressed.

When you tell her that she promised not to go on the game and now she does, what is her answer?

Have you tried marriage counseling?

To me it just sounds like you guys are both in a rut of a crappy marriage.

Going through a divorce for a child is probably better than having the parents stay together and be miserable.

good luck

[almost789]

Meant to post on a different thread.

[saitek]

I didn't really get anything BPD from what you wrote but perhaps there are signs that you did not mention.  It mostly sounds like your wife is depressed.

That is probably my fault I didn't include all of our history I felt it was getting a bit long winded but yes she's been diagnosed a while back as BPD and chronic drepression. She's on anti-depressants and claims they are helping her although I still do not see any sizable change in her ability to handle stress or accomplish goals.

When you tell her that she promised not to go on the game and now she does, what is her answer?

I felt sorry for her and when she asked to play it again i caved. I feel that if I'm allowed to play video games I can't very well not let her do the same. So I've enabled this problem but now I'm not sure how to fix it. In the recent past I've tried voicing my concern that she's not able to get much done during the day and maybe the game is eating up a larger portion of her day than she realizes but she just gets defensive and attacks me claiming that she hardly plays at all during the day... .and that it takes her 8 hrs to do 2 loads of laundry and 1 load of dishes? I'm not convinced. but I'm at work all day so I have no way of knowing.

Have you tried marriage counseling?

I have mentioned it on several occasions but she hasn't taken the initiative and to be fair neither have I. Mostly because I dread the possible confrontation or just having to dig up all the crap and lay  it out with her in the same room frightens me.

To me it just sounds like you guys are both in a rut of a crappy marriage.

Going through a divorce for a child is probably better than having the parents stay together and be miserable.

good luck

yeah... .we made the ever common mistake of getting married way too soon in our relationship. I thank you for your suggestions and I know that doing mc will probably help maybe i dont know but she is unmistakably BPD there are lots of things that i've omitted from my post just because it would take too long and stress me too much to dredge them all up and spew them forth. I'm sure you all know what I'm talkin about.

[hithere]

I know it is not easy to think about and discuss the past... .it is painful.

I hear a lot of excuses in your reply, I don't mean that as a criticism but it does seem to me that you have given up.  Everyone has their limit and perhaps you have reached yours?

I know for me, I was not willing to give up my happiness and stay in the life-sentence that was a person with BPD and I probably should have answered your post question, Re: Should I stay or should I go? -- long post

I think you should go, you sound unhappy and maybe you have run out of steam.  Dealing with a mentally ill person every day is completely exhausting and particularly BPD makes it seem like you are just banging you head against the wall with no end in sight.

Make a list of deal-breakers, why you can't remain in the marriage and then ask for a separation, perhaps this will help your wife consider therapy? Either way I would seek some therapy on your own, it will help you deal with all the pain and maybe make your decision more clear in your own mind.

good luck

[WalrusGumboot]

saitek, I read your post and sad to say I see nothing but misery in your future unless there is a massive intervention of some sort.

I stuck with it for 23 years before I filed for divorce. I really thought sticking it out as long as I did was the right thing to do. The youngest child was a teen but still living at home. After he moved out, I still stayed for several more years falsely thinking things might improve. It just accelerated worse.

When I finally did file, I was worn to a frazzle and in poor health. How I wish I even had HALF of those years back! After it was over and done with, the youngest told me privately that he wished we divorced when he was young instead!

You are finally starting to realize your future with her. Leaving won't be easy, but, you still will end up with most of your adult life ahead of you and another chance of getting in a normal relationship. Don't be like me and wait until your 50. My 2 cents.

[saitek]

Thanks for all of the responses guys! the holidays came like a whirlwind and I got sick with the flu on top of it. I can't really check this board at home i have 0 privacy so my only time to post/read is either at work or late at night.

[saitek]

saitek, I read your post and sad to say I see nothing but misery in your future unless there is a massive intervention of some sort.

I stuck with it for 23 years before I filed for divorce. I really thought sticking it out as long as I did was the right thing to do. The youngest child was a teen but still living at home. After he moved out, I still stayed for several more years falsely thinking things might improve. It just accelerated worse.

When I finally did file, I was worn to a frazzle and in poor health. How I wish I even had HALF of those years back! After it was over and done with, the youngest told me privately that he wished we divorced when he was young instead!

You are finally starting to realize your future with her. Leaving won't be easy, but, you still will end up with most of your adult life ahead of you and another chance of getting in a normal relationship. Don't be like me and wait until your 50. My 2 cents.

Everything you've said makes total sense and that is my greatest fear that if I keep holding on... eventually I wont have anything left or worst case scenario she will out live me and I'll die... .  unfullfilled, unhappy and down trodden.

The trouble with my BPDw is that she will do better in little spurts... .  a few days here she'll actually do the dishes and function in a motivated fashion but then a few days later it's back to the old "im too tired to do anything but play video games all day"... .  mode.

Most days I allow her to make me feel like her happiness is my responsibility. If I left her she would have to find a place to live and get a job. She hasn't worked in 7 years and though she has family here I just know what kind of a ~ storm i'm going to have to struggle through.

When it's bad... .  I tell my self I'd give anything just to be "alone". Alone and drama free. i feel suffocated by her constant needieness. It's like if I don't tell her I love her every single day multiple times... then I must not love her. Do I love her? I think I'm depressed because lately I really don't know if I am anymore. I mean I don't hate her, I don't wish bad things to pass. I worry about what will happen to her if I'm not here to do damage control and put out all the fires she can sometimes create. Is that love though?

[WalrusGumboot]

Everything you've said makes total sense and that is my greatest fear that if I keep holding on... eventually I wont have anything left or worst case scenario she will out live me and I'll die... .  unfullfilled, unhappy and down trodden.

Allow me to be so bold as to say you probably would be as you describe. Do you think one day she will wake of and be normal? She will stay the same or get worse, and so will you. By the way, I had these exact same thoughts.

The trouble with my BPDw is that she will do better in little spurts... .  a few days here she'll actually do the dishes and function in a motivated fashion but then a few days later it's back to the old "im too tired to do anything but play video games all day"... .  mode.

I've used an analogy here a number of times to describe this, and that is me playing golf 

As a whole, my game is pretty bad, but every now and then I hit that perfect drive, or sink a long putt, or chip the ball a few inches from the cup. I think "have I turned the corner and my game will now improve?". The next shot... .  goes right into the sand trap or the lake.

You get those crumbs of hope, but the big picture is still bleak. You are a starving man who wants to eat the buffet, but are being fed with a few grains of rice.

Most days I allow her to make me feel like her happiness is my responsibility. If I left her she would have to find a place to live and get a job. She hasn't worked in 7 years and though she has family here I just know what kind of a ~ storm i'm going to have to struggle through.

Oh, I know. You feel like you would be throwing a puppy out into traffic. Same situation for me. What I found out is that they do just fine. If they cannot make it on their own, they find somebody else. It took mine a whole 5 months before she remarried.

When it's bad... .  I tell my self I'd give anything just to be "alone". Alone and drama free. i feel suffocated by her constant needieness. It's like if I don't tell her I love her every single day multiple times... then I must not love her. Do I love her? I think I'm depressed because lately I really don't know if I am anymore. I mean I don't hate her, I don't wish bad things to pass. I worry about what will happen to her if I'm not here to do damage control and put out all the fires she can sometimes create. Is that love though?

Not to me, and probably not to anybody else here. It's the FOG. Sure, no doubt you care for her, but it is not love the way it should be.

Good luck as you start the rest of your life!

WG