Forgiving myself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm needing a little help forgiving myself.

Can't seem to forgive myself for taking so much past what was ok for me, for ignoring my own needs, for repeatedly holding out hope, for times when i halted my healing when she texted/only partially staying NC, for trying to be friends w someone who was disrespectful, for holding on to the idea that she HAS to be sorry.

I want to forgive myself. 

How have you all forgiven yourselves?

[Elsegundo]

I'm needing a little help forgiving myself.

Can't seem to forgive myself for taking so much past what was ok for me, for ignoring my own needs, for repeatedly holding out hope, for times when i halted my healing when she texted/only partially staying NC, for trying to be friends w someone who was disrespectful, for holding on to the idea that she HAS to be sorry.

I want to forgive myself. 

How have you all forgiven yourselves?

[GreenMango]

My list looked pretty close to yours.  I know I made mistakes.  It was a hard to deal with. 

I think the way I've forgiven myself is learning the lesson and working on the things I need to so this doesn't happen again.  Acceptance that this was the way things worked out at the time.

Time helps.

[seeking balance]

Honestly, forgiving myself was harder than forgiving my ex - for some unknown reason  (FOO)... .  I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect.

To forgive myself took me on a bit of a spiritual journey actually... .  not any specific religion or practice, I kinda borrowed from them all... .  ultimately, I made a joke out of it to myself... .  "SB, you don't walk on water, so maybe give yourself a break"

I did the best that I could in the situation that I was in - it really is that simple.

Be Kind to you!

[really]

I have found it difficult to forgive myself for being such a fool to have believed the statements of life long commitment when she was still sleeping with someone else, was very secretive about things and utterly disregarded my feelings.

When she refused / could not speak about things that really really hurt me, I used to shrug it off and just think, she is having a hard time, don't be too tough on her.

[FindingMe2011]

I'm needing a little help forgiving myself.

Can't seem to forgive myself for taking so much past what was ok for me, for ignoring my own needs, for repeatedly holding out hope, for times when i halted my healing when she texted/only partially staying NC, for trying to be friends w someone who was disrespectful, for holding on to the idea that she HAS to be sorry.

I want to forgive myself.  

How have you all forgiven yourselves?

Do you find it odd that you were able to forgive your ex repeatedly, yet cant seem to do this for yourself?... .  If you cant find forgiveness for yourself, whom are you expecting to do this for you?... .  Spend this time understanding the illness, and your own issues. With understanding it will help you see, how you were able to come to this place. Be patient, kind and forgiving to yourself, you deserve this. Its taken you a lifetime to get here, its going to take some time to get out. Many, if not all, come here and realize we have never, truly put ourselves first, believing this was selfish. Its a process, a tough one, but one you can achieve in a healthy way, just by being on this site alone. I will be brutally honest with you. The single best thing you can do for yourself right now, is be brutally honest with yourself, and be open to the idea, that what you have learned about r/s', and feelings, and the way you view things, just might be off a little bit. There will be times you dont understand things, keep at it until you do,  eventually it will make sense. its time to open up, like you never have before, express yourself as you feel, no more hiding. When you have a feeling, feel it ALL the way through, write down or post, it will help more than you think in processing things. If you post, other members will help you see things from different views, to give yourself different options, to help you see what is best for yourself. Although your not sure how your going to do it, believe in yourself, your going to see this through. Similar to the mindset you had about your r/s'. Tell yourself your going to love yourself, much in the way you did your ex. Can you give me any reasons why you shouldnt do this for yourself? You are human, and as humans we make mistakes, ALL OF US... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[just me.]

Imagine there's a person that really does care about you, and always has... .  and he's tried desperately to give you what you need, and to not hurt you along the way.  In his path were truly dangerous and confusing things... .  insane things that he was not prepared for.  He learned as quickly as he could, but he wasn't ready for it.  He tried to protect you, but he sees now that maybe he could have done things better.  He wanted to do everything right, but in the process of learning he maybe made some mistakes that hurt you.

He now asks you for your forgiveness.


Would you honestly not forgive that person?


I've forgiven many people in this lifetime who were far less deserving, and I'm sure you have too.  Just give that guy a break.  Give yourself a break.  Forgive yourself.  You did your best.

-------

That's not to say you shouldn't examine your mistakes and try to understand why you might have made them.  It seems like maybe you're suggesting concern that you accept, tolerate, or maybe even crave too much disrespect or emotional abuse... ?  Regardless of what concerns you may have of this nature, I think you can look at issues like that without beating yourself up over it.  Like I said... .  you did your best.  Could you ever ask more of any friend?

[Wimowe]

How have you all forgiven yourselves?

For me, self-knowledge and self-acceptance are prerequisites for self-forgiveness.  For example:

Of the ways in which I failed the relationship, the hardest to forgive myself for is my failure to set boundaries -- with respect to both my own time, space and energy and my uBPDxgf's unacceptable behavior toward me.  I feared losing the relationship. My T observed that I had a choice: I could risk losing the relationship because I set boundaries; if I didn't, I would most certainly lose the relationship.  I could sense the damage to the relationship caused by each failure and recriminated myself severely.  I still wonder whether I was unconsciously sabotaging the relationship out of my own fear of intimacy or protecting myself from a relationship some part of me knew was ill-advised, unhealthy, and dangerous.

I feared that, if I asserted boundaries, my uBPDxgf would either act out by flirting (or worse) with other men or leave me for someone else.  I intensely feared the possibility seeing her with another lover, and had the most vivid fantasies about this.  I was perplexed about the over-the-top intensity of my fear and eventually understood that something about this relationship was activating a deep wound from childhood.

I had to accept the possibility that maybe I was disabled from setting boundaries by my own childhood trauma and wounds; that the relationship was inherently insecure; and that I was in an unhealthy state of constant insecurity about it.  I had to face my own fears of abandonment.

And, in fact, I did try to set boundaries, the way one would in a healthy relationship with a functional person.  My mistake -- and willful denial -- was in thinking I was dealing with a functional person.  This website helped me reach acceptance and understanding, and become a little more sympathetic to myself.

I've acknowledged to myself that these are hard lessons.  I'm clear that I want to do better in the future.  I'm pursuing healing (e.g., psychotherapy, Twelve Step Work, acupuncture) of the underlying wounds and intend to learn more about the practice of setting boundaries (I'm not that good at it in love relationships).

Awareness - Acceptance - Action

[bpdspell]

Hey Elsee,

You've got to great advice on here.

Beging with this question: How was forgiveness modeled to you in your FOO?

For me forgiving myself means treating myself with the same kindness, nurturing, love, compassion & protection that I extend to others. It takes practice to give this to yourself when you've been conditioned to punish yourself for not being perfect. We often learn how to forgive from our FOO. When I was a little girl my mother was very unforgiving and punitive. It's what was modeled to me. My mother was also undiagnosed depressed. It was very hard getting validation from her. I felt I had to be perfect just to see a smile on her often sad angry face. I grew up feeling unlovable and unworthy of love it became my modus operandi. Forgiveness was something I felt I didn't deserve. :'(

After my BPD breakup like Finding Me states... .  I've been brutally honest with myself by admitting the truth of my feelings, grieving my childhood and slowly learning how to give up the hope that the past could have been different. Self-forgiveness is a daily process in accepting your humanity. Being human means being imperfect. And we're all human here so what makes you believe that you aren't deserving of forgiveness? Get to the root of that you'll be free.

There's a book that I recommend called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping that has been invaluable in helping me to free myself from the chains that bond me.

Spell

[Phoenix.Rising]

Self-forgiveness is a daily process in accepting your humanity. Being human means being imperfect.

I've been thinking about this lately, embracing my humanness, my humanity.  What does this mean?  I am imperfectly perfect.  I have flaws.  I make mistakes.  I do good things.  I do harmful things.  I love.  I hate.  I am not God.  I am not the scum of the earth.  I am human.  On one level, I feel I put as much love into my relationship with my exBPD as I was capable of, but love does not cure mental illness. 

I also brought my own pain into the relationship.  Some of my intentions were good, some were not so good.  I tried.  I'm trying to learn from the experience.  She gave me many gifts, if I choose to receive them.  I am worthy of love and of loving myself.  It is ok to be good to me.  It is ok to accept me as human.  I am precious in the eyes of the Universe, and so are you!