Why does it hurt so bad ?

[BPDizzy]

I think this time it is over for real and I'm hurting real bad . . .

We had been through several break ups and somehow there was a way to get back together. 

What a tormentous year we had !  We met a year ago, she claimed that she was set to see a love interest in Chicago ("Joe" and didn't.  During the year, she cried over him once when she was drunk, I even saw one of his texts:  "You told your boyfriend about us?", she even tried calling him while in my apartment.

Also during the year, she did a lot of drinking.  2 Dui's (her 3rd and 4th respectively), a 72 hr stint in rehab and 3 weeks in the county jail.  She lost her job (recently got a new one working out of her home), lost her license for at least 2 years and now wears an alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet for at least a year.  The police were called during one of her binges (she disappeared) and she also broke into my iphone while I was asleep and dug up old conversations I had with female friends of 10 years plus (forwarded these to herself) and even contacted these friends via facebook and tried to "friend" them.

This Christmas I learned that "Joe" relocated from Chicago to her hometown.  Around that time she began distancing, but also began blaming me for everything and would jump on the smallest things to pick fights.

She has recently broken up with me and this time I believe it's for real. . . . Joe

It's plainly obvious that she has issues.  She was never diagnosed BPD but had all the markers except the self mutilation and threats of suicide.

I began seeing a T last week, but I'm hurting hurting hurting.  Probably a blessing for me, but still it HURTS . . . why ?

[Rose Tiger]

Hi BPDizzy,

Sorry to hear you are hurting, we all can relate to how it feels to detach from a BPD partner.  It seems that the intermittent reinforcement is the reason it hurts so bad, they don't love consistently but throw in some curves that throw us off.  We feel uncertain and then they are loving again.  It creates a strong trauma bond, relief when they kind, anxiety when we don't know what is going on.  I must of said a thousand times to myself, are we broken up now?  It kind of feels unreal when it really is over, like any moment they will come back and say just kidding, I love you now.

Rough stuff!  How are you doing today?  Do you like your new T?

[cookiecrumbled]

BPDizzy -

Come to us. Bring your tired, your huddled mass and read as much on this board as possible.  Know that so many of us are exactly where you are - hurting, hurting, hurting.  I am so sorry you are going through this but at least you found this board.  I had been trying to figure out what "ailment" my ex had for months and my T didn't think it was helpful to me to worry about it - so finally on January 6th, I found it.

I'm here if you need to vent.

Cookie   :'(

[BPDizzy]

Hey Rose,

Thank you.  I think you're right on the trauma bond.  Lots of trauma throughout the year.  And yes, I always felt great with things were fine.  The occasional expression of affection on her part was a great high.  Today was a tough day, I got a text from her around noon, "Hope your doing well".  I didn't respond.  Still I'm very sad.  The T has been great so far, he's dated a couple BPD's so we clicked pretty quick.

Thanks Cookie, will be here a while.  Curious as to what happened on Jan 6 . . .

[cookiecrumbled]

Dizzy,

On January 6th, I found this board.  I began reading it and all the pieces of the puzzle fell together.   I haven't contacted him since - and he probably thinks I must be trapped under a rock somewhere b/c I have never been able to not text him for more than a day or two.  But after I read this board, the true dark nature of his illness became apparent to me.  I nearly took my life because of this man and he would probably have wanted to brag about it to himself in the mirror.  Or would have criticized me for being weak.  Today is his birthday and as hard as it is not to think back to the last two years when we were so happy, the water is under the bridge now.  He did exactly as the articles say and did something so awful that the relationship was irretrievably broken.  One minute I want to tell him I hate his guts.  The next I just want answers.  The next, I just want him back, thinking I could promise I'll never have needs and I am here for you no matter what... .  That's not a relationship, that's slavery.

For you see, we are all dizzy.  Take a moment and look at the user names on this board.  It is so sad.  Mine is in jest - I am mocking myself b/c I once was a tough cookie - and now I am a shell of my former self.

Get out while you can.  Get out on YOUR terms.  If he wants you, he will follow you and prove to you that he has changed.  You don't have to move in with him - but I know many don't have the resources to live apart.

Thinking of you and hoping he is being kind to you right now.

Cookie

[cookiecrumbled]

Sorry, Dizzy, I got two posters confused.  Please TRY to keep your mind from going to Joe.  He is to be pitied because he is behind you on the train of destruction.   Try to take a step back and look at it as your friends would - she's crazy - crazy like a fox - and managed to manipulate you and mold you and then discard you.  Its hateful and cruel and senseless.  And no one deserves that - except for them.

And if there is a God in heaven (which I believe there is), we will one day be happy again and be able to tell the person who truly loves us all about this nightmare we lived.

Cookie

[bpdspell]

Hey Dizzy,

From my experience the core of why this breakup hurt so bad was because of my own hidden shame about my Family of Origin Experiences. This clarity for me didn't come immediately after the break up... .  it took time.

My ex was an emotional replica of my mother. At times he was super loving and at times super rejecting and abandoning in every sense of the word. Usually our ex's remind us of someone from childhood who neglected us, abandoned us or simply didn't treat us well. My mother suffered from undiagnosed depression due to PSTD and had a really awful time being a validating nurturing mother when I needed her. This set me up for a lifetime of codependency and unconsciously seeking out people who were never emotionally available in a consistent way.

*This is usually the hook, the toxic bond, or that powerful deja vu soulmate feeling we tend to have with our BPD's.

By the time things ended with my BPDexbf I was emotionally spent: empty, broken and just feeling shattered to a zillion pieces. I think we hurt intensely because that hurt was always there waiting to be acknowledged. Unfortunately our ex's rip off the scabs of our own buried alive feelings. They also add to the pain that lives inside us as well.

This post about the lonely child vs. the abandoned child will help you to better understand:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

I think our BPD's are almost like a symbol for us... .  a corrective experience for us to heal whatever flawed thoughts and belief systems we have about our worth and our lovability. If we were emotionally healthy we would have never ended up with our BPD's.

Spell