He invited me and then changed his mind

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

Not sure whether to post here or on leaving, not sure whether to call my pwBPD my bf or my ex. Not sure whether I want to stay or not... .  We broke up a month ago, me this time, but we have been seeing each other and he seems to think we are back together and I guess a part of me feels the same, but I oscillate between wanting to be with him to not, Idk, I feel ambivalent about everything and have just been allowing myself to not think too much about the future and what will be, for now. I mean, if things would change I still want this r/s. But when I see the BPD behaviour I want out. I just don't want to regret my decision. And he was doing so well in T.

I have been taking better care of myself than ever. I hang out with friends, I reconnect with old friends, I try to make new ones, I go to the gym, I don't re-arrange my schedule for him (something I have never done before in our 4-year-r/s), I plan my life.

I have a boundary that has caused a dead-lock between the two of us. If it weren't for this I am sure we would still both be in T together and separately and we may make it work. A couple of days ago this came to a head again. He said he wanted to meet up later that evening. I said no. He suggested the weekend and I said I wasn't sure. Last night I felt I wanted to see him to try and sort things out and asked if we could meet. I am a perpetual optimist and never seem to completely let go of the conviction that we can make it work. He wanted to go out instead and asked me to join him. I asked him whereto and who with and accepted his invite. Half an hour before meeting up I called him about how to get there. I had had a shower, put make-up on and was ready. He tells me that I had made him feel uneasy when we had talked a few hours earlier, which is when he had invited me. Now, he no longer wanted to go or even meet me. I told him that I suspected he didn't want to see me so he could go on his own, causing him to explode and shout profanities at me and slam the phone down. There has been a lot of that lately coupled with apologies and pleas to see me. I think he feels that I am close to having had enough.

After that I wasn't sure what to do. The place we were going is a place I normally go, where a lot of my friends go, which he knows. When he cut me me out of his life for no reason about two years ago he ran a smear-campaign against me and he has admitted to this in CT. As far as I know he has done nothing to repair any damage done to me. Our separate social circles, as far as you can say he has one, do cross-over, and as I am attempting to take my life back, it is important to me that people in my circle are not made a part of this. I have already had FB-friends unfriend me for no apparent reason and I suspect whatever lies might be circulating about me to be at the bottom of it. There just isn't anything I can do to vindicate myself, without making it look like there are grounds for his accusations. Idk if any of this makes sense. I am not finding it easy to put into words what I mean and how it makes me feel. Last night I felt I needed to protect my "territory" and not let him take any more of my life from me, regardless of what happens between the two of us. Nor did I want him to intimidate me into not going. So I went.

It wasn't easy. He was there but I deliberately tried to be where he was not and just talk to friends, dance and have a good time. I did for the most part have a good time. But at one point I saw him and he saw me and our eyes met. He didn't look angry at all but seemed to have calmed down and the look he gave me I have seen many times before, one of wanting to reconnect, wanting forgiveness. All I could feel though was shame for being in the same place as him and I was more concerned he wasn't going to feel I was chasing him, because I was/am painfully aware that is obviously one side to how my being there must have looked to anyone who knows the argument we had had prior. So I looked away and ignored him the rest of the evening. He hardly stayed there even an hour.

I don't know if I did wrong, what to do now, what to make of this and where to go from here. I am also wondering why he is so back and forth nowadays when he hasn't been for a whole year. Could it be a reaction to my stronger boundaries and insecurities about the future of our r/s?

Any input appreciated

[mitti]

Hi all,

Not sure whether to post here or on leaving, not sure whether to call my pwBPD my bf or my ex. Not sure whether I want to stay or not... .  We broke up a month ago, me this time, but we have been seeing each other and he seems to think we are back together and I guess a part of me feels the same, but I oscillate between wanting to be with him to not, Idk, I feel ambivalent about everything and have just been allowing myself to not think too much about the future and what will be, for now. I mean, if things would change I still want this r/s. But when I see the BPD behaviour I want out. I just don't want to regret my decision. And he was doing so well in T.

I have been taking better care of myself than ever. I hang out with friends, I reconnect with old friends, I try to make new ones, I go to the gym, I don't re-arrange my schedule for him (something I have never done before in our 4-year-r/s), I plan my life.

I have a boundary that has caused a dead-lock between the two of us. If it weren't for this I am sure we would still both be in T together and separately and we may make it work. A couple of days ago this came to a head again. He said he wanted to meet up later that evening. I said no. He suggested the weekend and I said I wasn't sure. Last night I felt I wanted to see him to try and sort things out and asked if we could meet. I am a perpetual optimist and never seem to completely let go of the conviction that we can make it work. He wanted to go out instead and asked me to join him. I asked him whereto and who with and accepted his invite. Half an hour before meeting up I called him about how to get there. I had had a shower, put make-up on and was ready. He tells me that I had made him feel uneasy when we had talked a few hours earlier, which is when he had invited me. Now, he no longer wanted to go or even meet me. I told him that I suspected he didn't want to see me so he could go on his own, causing him to explode and shout profanities at me and slam the phone down. There has been a lot of that lately coupled with apologies and pleas to see me. I think he feels that I am close to having had enough.

After that I wasn't sure what to do. The place we were going is a place I normally go, where a lot of my friends go, which he knows. When he cut me me out of his life for no reason about two years ago he ran a smear-campaign against me and he has admitted to this in CT. As far as I know he has done nothing to repair any damage done to me. Our separate social circles, as far as you can say he has one, do cross-over, and as I am attempting to take my life back, it is important to me that people in my circle are not made a part of this. I have already had FB-friends unfriend me for no apparent reason and I suspect whatever lies might be circulating about me to be at the bottom of it. There just isn't anything I can do to vindicate myself, without making it look like there are grounds for his accusations. Idk if any of this makes sense. I am not finding it easy to put into words what I mean and how it makes me feel. Last night I felt I needed to protect my "territory" and not let him take any more of my life from me, regardless of what happens between the two of us. Nor did I want him to intimidate me into not going. So I went.

It wasn't easy. He was there but I deliberately tried to be where he was not and just talk to friends, dance and have a good time. I did for the most part have a good time. But at one point I saw him and he saw me and our eyes met. He didn't look angry at all but seemed to have calmed down and the look he gave me I have seen many times before, one of wanting to reconnect, wanting forgiveness. All I could feel though was shame for being in the same place as him and I was more concerned he wasn't going to feel I was chasing him, because I was/am painfully aware that is obviously one side to how my being there must have looked to anyone who knows the argument we had had prior. So I looked away and ignored him the rest of the evening. He hardly stayed there even an hour.

I don't know if I did wrong, what to do now, what to make of this and where to go from here. I am also wondering why he is so back and forth nowadays when he hasn't been for a whole year. Could it be a reaction to my stronger boundaries and insecurities about the future of our r/s?

Any input appreciated

[patientandclear]

I'm not understanding your boundaries, I guess. What you state as boundaries sounds like somewhat arbitrary withdrawal and distancing (of him, by you).  So it doesn't surprise me that he too is acting skittish.  It takes phenomenal discipline, patience and understanding to remain steady and constant while your partner is bouncing around emotionally.  It sounds to me like you are bouncing around emotionally.  If he has BPD it isn't likely he is phenomenally patient and understanding, able to meet  his own emotional needs when you are unavailable, and so on.  From what you wrote here, unless there are details missing, I would guess you are triggering his insecurities and he can't tell if you are coming or going, and he's very anxious about that.

That doesn't  mean you should stay in the r/s -- if you are unsure, you are unsure.  But demonstrating that lack of certainty to him is bound to push buttons for him.

[mitti]

Hi patientandclear,

Thanks for your response. I re-read my post, and no you are right, I don't think I made clear what my boundaries have been, and I didn't mean my behavior described in this thread. I meant that I have got better at enforcing my boundaries this past year when we have both been in T, together and me on my own. He sought T for himself but I don't think it happened in the end for whatever reason. I became better at protecting myself from all the drama by not tolerating raging or silent treatment and learning how to communicate my own needs to him. Things were getting a lot better for a while and he even said he liked that I had changed but this autumn we had a crisis and since then things got worse. His reactions to my boundaries were all of a sudden the opposite as if he was reading my boundaries as a way of trying to control him. He didn't give me the silent treatment but found other ways to exclude me from his life. He is so good at knowing what will hurt the most.

You are right that lately I have been very unclear of what I want anymore, but only because he decided to exclude me from parts of his life. He may not remember that though, or just remembering it differently making sure I somehow started it and therefore am to blame. So I am sure you are right that I am triggering his insecurities. I just don't know how to do differently without invalidating myself and my own needs. What do you do when they exclude you? What I did was to start living my own life and make him a smaller part of mine, although that is not what I want from a r/s. I want to share my life with him but he made sure he would not share a lot with me anymore. His reaction was to distance himself even more, to the point I felt there nothing remained of our r/s.

I can understand that a my lack of certainty will trigger his insecurities. And he is not used to that. I have always been safe and consistently always fought for our r/s but instead this will trigger his deep rooted fears of intimacy. I do feel for him but I am a loss for what to do to make things better. I have worked on my own issues but somehow that didn't seem to help us as a couple.