Money

[daylily]

I am finding it challenging to deal with issues regarding money with my uBPDh.  I am the breadwinner, so he's already predisposed to feeling powerless and like he's not contributing.  His main complaint is that I have all the control in our marriage and our decision making and that he's just "along for the ride."   He wants to be part of the financial decisions and gets very upset if I don't include him.  I can't say I blame him, but it's really hard to come to a decision that works for both of us, considering the fact that, for him, there are a lot of emotions tied up in seemingly innocent issues.

I'd be interested in how others handle money issues, i.e., decisions regarding relatively large purchases and expenses.  Do you get your pwBPD's approval?  Do you just do it without approval?  It's hard enough to agree on money with a spouse who doesn't have BPD! 

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[yeeter]

We have pretty independent latitude on items up to a certain amount.  Anything over this number and it requires at least letting the other know.  (not asking permission, but informing).  Really large purchases like cars would have full support of both parties.

Another method is to sort out the required bills first (and you can even split responsibilities for writing the checks on these).  And then each have a pool of discretionary $

There isn't any one way and everyone does it differently.  Only a matter of what works for the two of you.

[Chosen]

Hi daylily,

Again we face similar issues 

I'm newly married so there's much adapting to do to begin with, and it doesn't help that H doesn't discuss things (he thinks he does, actually it's just him banning everything I suggest or criticising my questions).

I have suggested having a joint account before; he banned it.  Then he accused me of not sharing my money- his idea is that I should give him at least half of what I have and deposit in his personal account, which I don't agree to.

I'm not the sole breadwinner but the place we live in and most of the money I have came from an inheritance.  However, besides those things which I can hold on to, I don't have close family to count on should I need financial assistance at any time.  Financially we're doing fine, thank God, but he doesn't contribute to bill-paying and maintenence of our home. 

He likes to brag about giving me money every month (because he does earn more than me) for running the home, but in reality he has given me about 2, 3 times in one year.  If I had counted on that to pay the bills we'll not be having electricity.  It's not that I don't have money to pay the bills- I lived alone before in the same place and I paid the same amount- but it's how he sees it that annoys me sometimes.  He thinks that I'm actually benefitting from him living with me as I used to pay just as much, but now I'm paying the same amount of money yet 2 people can use the ulitilies.  I guess it makes him feel better about not paying the bills... .  ?

Oh sorry daylily... I guess I don't have much wisdom to give 

[daylily]

If the issue weren't so emotionally charged, it would be easier to deal with.  H's ideas about money are colored by how he feels about himself and his distorted and ever changing strong opinions.  He complains that decisions are made without his input, yet he cannot seem to make a decision when faced with one.  He's more interested in pointing out where I'm wrong. He doesn't make much if any money, so he alternates between asserting that he should have a say in every little decision with regard to money and taking the position that he isn't entitled to make decisions because he doesn't contribute any money.  It's so hard to move forward with financial decisions under these circumstances.  And then regardless of who made the decision, I will be blamed if something goes wrong... .  

Wondering if others have the same problem and whether they just make the decisions themselves.  It's virtually impossible to reach an agreement with H, so I am faced with either doing what he wants or doing what I want.  

[daylily]

I lived alone before in the same place and I paid the same amount- but it's how he sees it that annoys me sometimes.  He thinks that I'm actually benefitting from him living with me as I used to pay just as much, but now I'm paying the same amount of money yet 2 people can use the ulitilies.  I guess it makes him feel better about not paying the bills... .  ?

This is the exact same type of warped logic I face all the time!  It doesn't make sense, yet it sort of does, if you really think about it.  Goes to show the lengths they'll go to feel better about themselves.  Kind of like the chain of blame... .  they'll go as far back in the chain of events as they need to blame someone else!   

[Chosen]

If the issue weren't so emotionally charged, it would be easier to deal with.  H's ideas about money are colored by how he feels about himself and his distorted and ever changing strong opinions.  He complains that decisions are made without his input, yet he cannot seem to make a decision when faced with one.  He's more interested in pointing out where I'm wrong. He doesn't make much if any money, so he alternates between asserting that he should have a say in every little decision with regard to money and taking the position that he isn't entitled to make decisions because he doesn't contribute any money.  It's so hard to move forward with financial decisions under these circumstances.  And then regardless of who made the decision, I will be blamed if something goes wrong... .  

I have the same problem.  H complains he doesn't get to input anything, but when I ask him stuff, like "so where would you like to move?  Would you like me to sell this place?"  He doesn't reply.  So my current strategy is: for the little things I just handle them (it's not like I'm asking him for his money anyway), but for the big things I don't do anything until he says something and has a solid plan (if he mentions putting the flat up for sale but doesn't suggest where to move, I don't put the flat up for sale).

[Vatz]

Funny I just posted about financial issues involving a significant other.

Anyway, as a non I don't think I could really ever know what goes through the mind of a BPD. But me personally, I've lived with my folks quite some time. Thing is, I try to contribute, I go to school. My job is seasonal, but just about all the money I make goes straight to my folks. I've helped them pay bills and such, and happily too. My boss thinks pretty well of me (from what he says) and eventually I can say I have several years of experience in a job and actually build some sort of career. I also hit the gym so that one day I can become a personal trainer, Im working on a degree in P.E so I can also one day teach in a school. My niece told me about one-day-a-week gym and I just wanted to rage-vomit. I want to someday make a difference.

Actually after posting this I just realized that I actually am doing something with my life. I always feel like I'm wasting it. Guess it ain't entirely true.

Anyway... .  

I don't know if I'd mind supporting someone, but I feel like there has to be respect and some contribution, nothing major. I guess so long as I don't come home and the place is a mess. But when I really think about it, I think I really just would rather live by myself for a while. But should someone move in, I honestly don't know what I'd want from the other. So long as I could pay bills, and manage to have some left over, I don't think I'd really need a lot from a spouse. But then again I haven't been in that situation so I don't really know.

[Vatz]

I have the same problem.  H complains he doesn't get to input anything, but when I ask him stuff, like "so where would you like to move?  Would you like me to sell this place?"  He doesn't reply.  So my current strategy is: for the little things I just handle them (it's not like I'm asking him for his money anyway), but for the big things I don't do anything until he says something and has a solid plan (if he mentions putting the flat up for sale but doesn't suggest where to move, I don't put the flat up for sale).

I like this, it looks like a pretty sound way to approach the issues being mentioned. I totally like how you go about it, I think I might just steal the idea.