Love language triggers

[gina louise]

It may be too late to repair with my stbXh (uBPD/NPD) but I was reading a book by david richio "How to Be an Adult" and this prompted me to reflect on HOW my HUSBAND and I related so differently-that led in part to some serious dysfunction in our r/s.

I have heard and read about the "Five Love Languages"-that's not quite what I am hitting at, though it too was a good book.

My HUSBAND was and IS all about Doing. Perhaps it's more a guy thing, but in his head the fact that he put gas in my car= Love. Getting it washed and the oil changed= Love, paying the bills/working = Love, Sexual contact= Love, Me helping with yard work= Love, Me cooking /cleaning = Love to him. Doing a chore, running an errand= Love.

He felt as he was DOING, he never needed to be TELLING.

Pretty sure this stems from his FOO. His parents were typical Male/Breadwinner-Female/Housewife... .  and in his deepest self those roles equal Love and stability.

I once asked him did your parents ever TELL you how good you were, smart, funny, capable. He said NO but they took me swimming, took me to ball games, taught me to play sports, cooked my favorite foods and served me... it was ALL about DOING.

He wrote me a love Letter that was a LIST of what I DID for him that he loved me for! he did this TWICE. it didn't Look very loving to me. It didn't appear to me that he even SAW my qualities.(never mentioned patience, compassion, attraction, kindness... .  ) I was hurt, as MY expectations were different.

So he had an overdeveloped Sense that Actions = Love to him, if that makes sense. First 

In MY FOO it was all about noticing achievements. We didn't get praised for WHO we were, or our  good qualities. I was constantly seeking that approval. (still am, hence the r/s with my H) I felt invisible. I was scrutinized and always fell short, and any recognition was undermined by a negation. "You would look better... .  IF you kept your hair off your forehead... .  " You got an A minus... .  What happened to getting an A?"

MY Need in Love (Relating) was both Recognition AND WORDS. Praise, Verbal recognition + Acknowledgement.

If I didn't GET that I felt... .  less than. Rejected. Unloved.

My HUSBAND repeated that critical pattern although he had more the view of helping me correct my "flaws".

And he did. I took better care of my physical self, with him.

BUT, when I felt undermined and not appreciated-although he was DOING the Acts of Love that he felt deeply constituted Love-to him... .  

I WITHDREW.

This is crucial. I STOPPED performing MY acts of Love that HE would view as necessary and habitual.

I quit on HIM. That's HOW he took it!

I stopped texting as much. I stopped writing little notes. I quit cooking as he never had anything nice to say, or was too full from lunch. I stopped sitting or snuggling on the couch. I quit rubbing his hands or feet, shoulders or back, I pulled back from buying him clothes.

I withdrew in many small ways and to top it off in my angst I also began picking on him.

So I was seen BY HIM to be giving him NO Love(actions)and Abandonment.

And he was seen by me as Rejectiing and Not Loving.

WOW.     

GL

if you've read this far-feel free to comment, relate your own experience... .  please!

[MaybeSo]

I had a similar experience in reverse. I show love by doing, too. I do more acts of service,  rather than speak. I will speak in the sense that I can say I love you, and will do that frequently. But I don't comfortably and naturally verbally give feedback a lot (not the way of my people!). I express love by showing up, being faithful, cooking nice meals, keep the house nice, plan trips, listen to problems, make love, nurse him if not well, make a monetary and intellectual contribution via my own career, try to buy gifts he would like, listen, take him seriously, show respect etc.  

Turns out, a year after he booted me to the curb, he wanted me to verbalized my appreciation more. He needed to hear how great I think he is, how impressed I was with what he's done/accomplished, how much I love him, adore him, find him sexy, etc. it's not like I never verbalized those things, there was more of course in the early courtship phase, and later I did also but it was in context... .  he might relay a story and I'd praise how he handled something... .  but I didn't naturally verbally offer praise, appreciation, admiration, adoration on a daily basis... .  0n a day to day basis I showed love by doing. We didn't verbalized that way in my foo.

When he kicked me out of the house, he soon started dating again, of course, and was seeing a woman for less than 12 months. He says she was very verbally adoring, and it filled a need he didn't get with me. She verbally fawned over him, to the point where it started to feel weird, like she had him on a pedestal. But before it got weird, he loved it and felt it was feeding something he didn't get in childhood.

So, we had two different love languages. This likely could have been identified and corrected; but in his dysregulated state he bullied me out of the house and impulsively flushed down the toilette

a otherwise good relationship.

These are common relationship problems; with borderline features everything gets blown out of proportion. Sigh. His tendency to bolt, also made me reticent to verbalize adoration; I don't adore the part of him that is unstable, and it is hard for me to separate out what I adored from what I feared or felt anxious about with him. I think to really verbalize my deep appreciation, I need to be in touch with it, and that requires safety or a sense of reliable membership. I never felt I had reliable membership in this relationship.

By the way, I love David Richo's books. They are excellent.

[gina louise]

MaybeSo,

thanks very much. Mine also had the tendency to bolt, and that placed me personally on shaky ground even in public-where I assumed he wouldn't flee, ditch me or cause a scene. Mine never caused a public scene... .  but the running away? Classic.

I also didn't feel emotionally safe in my r/s. I even told him he was an abusive bully. He was! But I abused him as well, in my own passive-aggressive way. Hard for me to admit when I prefer being seen as a victim, too.

I am sharing some of my realizations with him-on a very limited basis- when I feel they will help my own healing.(amends, recognition for what my part was... .  ) I tell him it may not help "us" since he's filed for D... .  but it may help our next partners or r/s, should we find ourselves in similar circumstances.

thus far he's been appreciative, and welcoming of my insights as to the demise of our r/s. And shared a few himself. Compassion doesn't hurt anyone. 

thanks,

GL