Wit's end

[NewMom2012]

I'm posting this simply to vent. I know there are no answers, I know there is nothing that really can be done. My 18 year old step daughter has BPD. We've known this for about two years now. She ran away from home and eventually moved in with her grandparents (who live about 2 hours away) after she graduated from high school last spring. (They have about as much success in getting her to follow rules as we do... .  and quite frankly are too old to have to be putting up with her stunts. But they won't kick her out... .  )

Our biggest issue with her right now is her overall health. About two weeks ago, after getting pregnant (because she refuses to use bc) she performed a self-abortion by overdosing on drugs. She did enough damage she won't be able to have any more kids (which, I hate to say it, maybe isn't a bad thing in her case) She's hooked on painkillers and gets drunk every night. After ODing on the drugs and alcohol, she passes out and apparently stops breathing, so her boyfriend and/or friends freak out and call an ambulance (understandably so). Every. Single. Night.

We have tried working with the hospitals (in the state we live in, she's not considered "age of majority" until she's 19 - but we can't make her a ward of the state because they say she's too old... .  it's a gray area. 18 year olds are granted certain rights and privileges even though they're still minors - like if I call my insurance company to discuss her visits, they say they can't talk to me about it because she's 18 - but I'm still expected to pay the bill for something I'm not allowed to be told about - and even though technically, since she's under 19, the hospitals are supposed to get consent to treat, they rarely call us claiming if she shows up in an ambulance, they don't need consent - so half the time, we don't even know she's been in the hospital until the bill shows up) to get them to understand what is going on - and while they acknowledge she has mental issues, and say there's nothing they can do about that because the mental health care system is overloaded with people who have "real issues," what we cannot comprehend is why they continue to prescribe her painkillers! (She would probably find a way to get them anyway, but seriously... .  ) She spent a week in the hospital back in November because she was fainting and allegedly coughing up blood (this only happened when her boyfriend was with her - it never happened when she was around us) They did every medical test under the sun, and even put a loop recorder in to see if she had anything weird with her heart. They found nothing wrong with her medically. My personal belief is that all of her medical problems are psychosomatic and she causes them for the attention.

She's totaled two cars in the past six months. (Though she had no insurance the last time, so that put an end to her driving since she won't be getting insurance money to replace it, and we refuse to help her buy another car) She was put on medical restriction not to drive because of her fainting but ignored it and did it anyway - because rules don't apply. We tried telling her it was illegal for her to drive without insurance - she ignored us, because rules don't apply. We tried getting her grandparents to take the keys away - but they wouldn't because of the drama that would ensue. We're just thankful her accidents didn't hurt anyone else. We could never get through to her what a danger she was out on the roads driving when she might pass out any time, while she was drunk, high on drugs, etc.

My husband has never been able to deal with her BPD very well - all the books and videos and therapy sessions on how to change your behavior towards them doesn't work with him. He tries, and fails. Just gets too frustrated and fed up with her behavior and how she talks to him, how she doesn't care about her health, etc.

Anyway - I know none of this behavior is anything new for parents of BPD kids. Like I said, just needing to vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trainwreck4]

Newmom2012,  sometimes I am amazed we don't wind up being the ones in the psychiatric hospital. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I also have similar issues as to my BPDd15 and her medical "business" that is none of my business, as it turns out    we are not at the level of frustration you are at yet, but give us time... .  :'(   Keep your chin up.   

[vivekananda]

ah NewMom2012,

It sound as if every which way you turn there is an obstacle. You must be frustrated, angry, sad and everything else. It's hard to know what to say exceot our no one rule here - look after yourselves. You know the serenity prayer... .  and remember that 'mindfulness' plus 'purpose' brings you to intrinsic happiness. So practice what you learn here for your own benefit. Maybe, one day things will be different.

sending you special hugs and best wishes,

Vivek