Relationship has gotten toxic, flood gates of truth burst open.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

BPDgf has been ill all week, as everyone has been.  She is the only one that is supposedly throwing up/has flu symptoms.  She is better now.  She has been extremely needy and overly sensitive because of it.  I have been trying to help out, take care of the kids, leave work early to help, get soup from the store, etc.  S11mnth and I were leaving to give her time alone on saturday to rest when she trapped me with a statement that she was going to the store.  I said ok, and she walked away.  Later she started guilting me that I didn't tell her I would go for her, although we were on our way out the door.  I came unglued.

I told her I felt like she trapped me, and that all she has to do is ask and I will do anything for her.  If she acts like its not a big deal for her to do something, I'm not going to treat it that way.  Then, I opened the pandora's box of issue shes given me over the last two years.  I would let her talk, i was completely guilting her.  I really don't even remember all that was said, I just said what I felt.  Son and I left for 5 hours.  Came back to her writing.  Put son to bed, did some house work and went to be.  Gf woke me up in the middle of the night saying she wanted to talk and couldn't sleep because of it, so I went down and she started talking and I tried to listen, but what she was saying was the same old stuff and I couldn't retain my contempt, so I let reacted again to what she was saying and walked away from the conversation.  She texted me saying that she would do anything to save the relationship and she loved me.  I told her I needed to think about it before I responded.  She couldn't sleep again that night, so I told her that we could work on it, but still didn't get her what she needed to do. 

Cut to yesterday, she was saying my son was weird and something wasn't right with him because he picked up stuff off the ground and ate it all the time, and that he wouldn't take baby food.  I said it was normal for kids to eat stuff off the ground thats why they need watched, and that maybe we should try some soft real food, and she got attitude with me, and again I came off.  I accused her of not watching him because she's always telling me he chokes to the point of throwing up, and I told her I didn't understand how she couldn't get him to sleep or eat or anything he needed so often when i never have trouble with it.  it ended in a big texting argument and I ultimately apologized for saying she was a bad mother.

This relationship is killing me.  I am becoming a bad person.  My first session my therapist said something that made it all worse, i suppose.  He said I was still young and could find someone and have a totally happy life.  And he told me it would always be hard with her.  I think since that revelation I've been even more angry and aggravated with her and her actions.  I called a lawyer last night and he didn't make me feel too good about my chances of primary custody.  I really don't know what to do.  I'm almost to the point of just leaving so my son doesn't see me like this and thing this is how to live.  I'm just scared she's going to screw him up.

Really perplexed and frustrated and disappointed with life.  I worked really hard my whole life to keep away from drama queens and people with issues, and now I'm tied to one forever and its driving me crazy.

[Winglessfallen]

BPDgf has been ill all week, as everyone has been.  She is the only one that is supposedly throwing up/has flu symptoms.  She is better now.  She has been extremely needy and overly sensitive because of it.  I have been trying to help out, take care of the kids, leave work early to help, get soup from the store, etc.  S11mnth and I were leaving to give her time alone on saturday to rest when she trapped me with a statement that she was going to the store.  I said ok, and she walked away.  Later she started guilting me that I didn't tell her I would go for her, although we were on our way out the door.  I came unglued.

I told her I felt like she trapped me, and that all she has to do is ask and I will do anything for her.  If she acts like its not a big deal for her to do something, I'm not going to treat it that way.  Then, I opened the pandora's box of issue shes given me over the last two years.  I would let her talk, i was completely guilting her.  I really don't even remember all that was said, I just said what I felt.  Son and I left for 5 hours.  Came back to her writing.  Put son to bed, did some house work and went to be.  Gf woke me up in the middle of the night saying she wanted to talk and couldn't sleep because of it, so I went down and she started talking and I tried to listen, but what she was saying was the same old stuff and I couldn't retain my contempt, so I let reacted again to what she was saying and walked away from the conversation.  She texted me saying that she would do anything to save the relationship and she loved me.  I told her I needed to think about it before I responded.  She couldn't sleep again that night, so I told her that we could work on it, but still didn't get her what she needed to do. 

Cut to yesterday, she was saying my son was weird and something wasn't right with him because he picked up stuff off the ground and ate it all the time, and that he wouldn't take baby food.  I said it was normal for kids to eat stuff off the ground thats why they need watched, and that maybe we should try some soft real food, and she got attitude with me, and again I came off.  I accused her of not watching him because she's always telling me he chokes to the point of throwing up, and I told her I didn't understand how she couldn't get him to sleep or eat or anything he needed so often when i never have trouble with it.  it ended in a big texting argument and I ultimately apologized for saying she was a bad mother.

This relationship is killing me.  I am becoming a bad person.  My first session my therapist said something that made it all worse, i suppose.  He said I was still young and could find someone and have a totally happy life.  And he told me it would always be hard with her.  I think since that revelation I've been even more angry and aggravated with her and her actions.  I called a lawyer last night and he didn't make me feel too good about my chances of primary custody.  I really don't know what to do.  I'm almost to the point of just leaving so my son doesn't see me like this and thing this is how to live.  I'm just scared she's going to screw him up.

Really perplexed and frustrated and disappointed with life.  I worked really hard my whole life to keep away from drama queens and people with issues, and now I'm tied to one forever and its driving me crazy.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Wingless,

I'm really glad that you are seeing a therapist to help you cope with your situation.  I'm not surprised that you have become very vocal about the way you have been treated.  You have kept a lot bottled up inside of you for quite a while.  Your therapist gave you something to think about: the possibility of an alternate life where you could be happy, but you are concerned about the well-being of your child.  I know that you have consulted a lawyer about your parental rights, if you choose to leave, and he already may have advised you to have a paternity test to prove that you are your son's biological father.  I would definitely recommend that you do this.  Many years ago, I worked with a woman (who was definitely unstable) who had a child she claimed was fathered by her boyfriend.  The boyfriend lived with the the woman and child for several years, and took on all of the child rearing responsibilities, then one day the woman decided she was tired of the relationship and kicked the boyfriend out, telling him that he was not the father of the child. She also told the court this, and the court took the word of the mother. The boyfriend did not receive any custodial rights to the child.  It may be different today, with easy access to DNA testing, but it is something to think about. 

I know you are concerned about how your son will be raised, if you choose to leave and don't have primary custody.  As I mentioned to you before, my mother has BPD. I know many times when I was growing up I wished my parents would separate, and that I could live with my father.  Even if they shared custody, at least I would have some days each week that were peaceful, loving, and happy.  Living in a BPD environment full time is difficult for a child.   You should talk to some of the fathers on the "Parenting after the Divorce" board to see how they deal with separate households, and the emotional impact on the children.  I know some of them have posted that even though they share custody with their BPD exes, the children actually spend more time with the fathers out of convenience, and because the mothers have trouble dealing with the responsibility of raising them. 

As you may remember, my son is married to a woman with BPD.  My husband and I have often thought about custodial rights if they ever divorce.  I found the article pasted below has some valuable advice that you also might find useful.

When considering who should get custody of a child, what factors does a court look at?

In almost all situations, a court will keep one primary question in mind when deciding a custody case, namely, what is in the best interests of the  child? To answer this question, courts generally look at a number of different factors, such as:

• A parent's financial and physical ability to provide a child with essentials like food, medical care, shelter and clothing

• A parent's medical history, both physical and mental

• The child's age, sex and medical history, both physical and mental

• A parent's vocation and habits, including things like excessive drinking or smoking  • The child's choice if the child is of a certain age, normally 12 years old

• The emotional bond between child and parent

• The wishes of both parents

• The willingness of each parent to support the child's relationship with the other parent

• The level of adjustment needed from the child if forced to move to a new school, city, or state, and

• The quality of life the child enjoys in the child's current status quo, and

• Whether any parent has brought false or malicious charges of child abuse on the other parent.

If, upon looking at all of these factors, a court cannot decide what is in the best interests of the child, courts normally tend to look closely at which parent would most likely provide the child with a stable household. This can vary depending on the child's age. If the child is young, custody may go to the primary caregiver. However, if the child is older, custody may be awarded to the parent that is better situated to provide the child with access to education, friends, and social development.

Does it hurt my chances of getting custody of my children if I move out of the home and leave the children with their other parent?

In short, yes, it probably will hurt your chances of getting custody of your children. Parents that leave the home, even for good reasons, may have a lesser chance of getting custody of the children when it comes time to go to court. By leaving, the judge will see an implied message from the parent's actions. Also, assuming that the  parent left the family home, a judge will probably be more inclined to grant custody to the parent that is currently residing in the home so as to disrupt the children's status quo as little as possible.  However, if you take the children when you leave the home, this may send a message to the judge that you are trying to protect your children. If you do move away from home and take the children with you, you need to be sure to go to court as soon as possible so that it does not look like you are attempting to take the children away unlawfully. If you do not set up a court appointment soon after taking the children away from the home, the other parent may ask the judge to take the children away from you as you took them without court authorization.

[SuperWaz]

Winglessfallen, I know exactly where you are coming from and I can feel your pain.  I'm in a similar situation and I hate every minute of it.  Frustration doesn't even come close.  I know I would be better off with another woman, there's just way too much damage, but I have to do what's right for the two kids involved.  Or so I tell myself daily.

I had six years in a relationship with my BPD ex and I still live with her for the aforementioned children.  I'm trying to support her the best I can so I can make the "right" decision at the end of her therapy if it ever ends, but I can't see my decision ever being to stay and I'm expecting the **** to hit the fan if I decide to leave.

My whole life is based on being open, honest and faithful, and she destroyed that from the very start of our time together.  Among other things, she had another boyfriend for the whole time we were together and gave him everything I wanted - the attention, the openness in sex, the whole nine yards.  I got nothing.  Nothing at all.  Just lies and a completely fake person.  The person she acted as for six years was exactly like me but she didn't even exist, and the person she really is was the complete opposite - someone I would not have gone anywhere near.  Ever.

I do see that she's being more honest now she's trying to change, but there are still secrets hidden away and that's just not good enough, whatever her reasons for not getting them out.  I know they're still there because she's afraid I will leave should they come out but I can't stand the never ending going around in circles. 

I really don't care about what she's done, she has already admitted to doing more truly terrible things in secret than anyone I have ever known or ever heard of.  I just want her to get the truth out completely because her therapy demands it.    Not 95% of it, the whole thing.  At this point in time she's actually writing down her list of "truths" for her therapist to empty out the bad in readiness for the good to be built, but I just can't see her ever making it to that 100% emptiness.

I would love to keep our family together for the little ones, but I just feel so tired too.   Moreso day by day.   I know things she has done, have concrete evidence, and I try to point her in the right direction, yet I get the same stories again and again that just don't add up.  They probably never will.

I can't advise you one way or another, since I still have no idea what to do for the best, the best I can offer is to say that you're not alone. 

[Winglessfallen]

Pinsandneedles:

Thank you for your supporting words and your insights.  I have been thinking a lot about these situations and guidelines, and am trying to wrangle myself into a better model for custody, in the case that it needs to go to that.  It is troubling/helpful/interesting to hear you wish you had a split home so that you could find some balance at least part of the week.  This is a bitter pill I have chased around my mouth for a while now.  The thought that I may have to take one of the lesser desired turnouts.  I just know that I will never be who she needs me to be, and it's creating a hostile environment.  I am trying to be understanding and sympathetic, but in all honesty, everything she says is something I've gone through because of her.  Yesterday she had a breakdown because she is feeling ill, and having bad cramps, which she has been having often and had to cancel a second OBGYN appointment to find out what was wrong because of her cycle.  And she had a breakdown because of issues stemming from this outburst I had and the fact that i had a therapy session yesterday.  She said now all she thinks is that I am talking about her.  And she said that all day she wanted to die, and that she had all these self esteem issues that she had worked through and that what I said had pulled back out of her, and that she just feels like she can't do anything right and etc.  And all I could think was that this is exactly what she's been doing to me this whole time.  She has killed my self esteem and made me feel like I do nothing right.  And I know her issues come from an overbearing father and a neurotic inattentive mother, but still, they are really tearing me down as well, and its difficult to sympathize with a 35 year old woman who is doing the things she's doing and saying its because she has the same self esteem issues you do.  I just find myself not saying anything because I just want to start yelling again, especially when she starts getting louder and cussing while her kids are asleep upstairs with their door open.  And she is just crying and telling me she can't look at me because I yelled and she can barely be in our house because of the memories, and i just have to stay silent because the only thing I can think to say is that she's saying back to me all the things I've wanted to say to her for years.

I guess the thing of it all is that I want to leave.  I know thats what I want.  I want to stand up say "Goodbye" and walk out the door.  My son makes that much more complicated, and the fact that she is so unbalanced makes it even more of an issue.  And sometimes I don't know if I'm not moving because of comfort or because I am being too lazy to deal with the work that is ahead of me if I leave, or what.  I just know that I really don't want to be there, be with her, or anything.

We talked again yesterday about happiness, and that I am young and have the ability to move forward.  We talked about how my T and I have similar mindsets and desire being amongst like minded individuals that help us grow and move forward.  And all I could think is that I feel like she is just trying to survive, when I am trying to grow.  And the thought of that being my pivot point is terrible.  I feel so selfish, but I feel like I'm dying here.  I really need to be away from her, even to feel a true sense of mourning and regret for the way I feel.  Now it just feels to me that I SHOULD feel remorse.  Or at least a measure more than I do.  But I don't.

SuperWaz:

She has, at least in her mind, made progress.  And she has.  She has stopped a lot of the physical problems she's done.  She was very into drugs in her late teens and has gotten away from it entirely, and she has "turned her life around" since then.  And, last night, she said she had worked through all of her self esteem issues.  And that may be the case, but if so, she went from low self esteem to high, because she still displays a lot of the "you aren't meeting my standards" traits of BPD.  I suppose its not that she isn't working, she just isn't working on the right things.  She is trying to tell herself she's doing the right stuff, when she isn't.  What is right and good for her, in her mind, is actually detrimental to those around her.  And her attitude is, and always has been, That she is just honest and those who hear it aren't strong enough to hear the truth.  I tried to bring up BPD last night, but i couldn't even get past a sentence to say anything. 

You really have to hate a disease that is so invasive that it makes you dislike the infected.