I am really torn as to what to do and how to handle this situation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My cousin is getting married in June which I have been invited too. My mum (bipolar & BPD), who is my cousins aunt hasn't been invited because she was abusive my cousins brother over the phone last year.

I told my mum I had been invited because she asked me and I didn't want to lie. I made the mistake of telling her that if she didn't want me to go I wouldn't, which I now regret.

She has just left me a voicemail message saying if I don't message my cousin and demand she be invited 'all hell will break loose'. She also said if she finds out I have gone to the wedding she will never speak to me again. Complete emotional blackmail! But partly my fault for telling her I wouldn't go to the wedding if she didn't want me to.

I am really torn as to what to do and how to handle this situation. I do actually sympathise with my mum for not being invited because that must hurt her. However not being invited is a consequence of being abusive over the phone. Mum is not used to having consequences for her actions as I have let her get away with extremely bad behaviour in the past (read my other posts!). I applaud my cousin for managing to stick to his guns with her, something I struggle to do.

Has anyone got any tips on how I should deal with this situation?

[Laura88]

My cousin is getting married in June which I have been invited too. My mum (bipolar & BPD), who is my cousins aunt hasn't been invited because she was abusive my cousins brother over the phone last year.

I told my mum I had been invited because she asked me and I didn't want to lie. I made the mistake of telling her that if she didn't want me to go I wouldn't, which I now regret.

She has just left me a voicemail message saying if I don't message my cousin and demand she be invited 'all hell will break loose'. She also said if she finds out I have gone to the wedding she will never speak to me again. Complete emotional blackmail! But partly my fault for telling her I wouldn't go to the wedding if she didn't want me to.

I am really torn as to what to do and how to handle this situation. I do actually sympathise with my mum for not being invited because that must hurt her. However not being invited is a consequence of being abusive over the phone. Mum is not used to having consequences for her actions as I have let her get away with extremely bad behaviour in the past (read my other posts!). I applaud my cousin for managing to stick to his guns with her, something I struggle to do.

Has anyone got any tips on how I should deal with this situation?

[GeekyGirl]

It sounds like your mother is triangulating. She had a falling out with your cousin, and now she's asking you to avoid your other cousin's wedding as a sign of loyalty to her, right?

This is a tough spot, but you have to decide what's in your best interest here. From what you've said, it seems like you want to go to your cousin's wedding. Your cousin has made it clear that your mother isn't invited, and it's good that you're respecting your cousin's boundary there and not trying to interfere on your mother's behalf.

You'd likely regret not going to your cousin's wedding, so from there, you could be honest with your mother and say something using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) to explain that  you're sorry that she wasn't invited, but you're going to the wedding. It's important to validate your mother's feelings and recognize that she really is hurt, but ultimately her relationship with your cousins is between the two (or three) of them.

[Laura88]

I've just tried talking to her calmly about it this evening on the phone but she's completely blown up at me. She's demanding I give her my cousins mobile numbers so she can speak to them. She's saying if I don't she's going to get a new sim card tomorrow and change her mobile number and never speak to me again. I don't understand how i've become the 'baddie' in this situation!

I've ended up switching my phone off. She just makes so many demands of me and even when I do them she's still horrible to me and demands more. I really don't think I can cope with much more of it.

When is life going to get easier?

[InaMinorRole]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds really painful.

Your mom is acting like a two year old having a tantrum. I think when someone acts like this there is really only one way to treat them: like a two year old having a tantrum. Be the adult. Don't get sucked in. If she's going to scream and threaten until she gets the toy (okay, wedding invitation), and make everyone miserable until she does, then you put in her room by herself (allow her to stop talking to you) and tell her you're sorry she is angry and you'll be there when she settles down.

I personally have zero tolerance for "if you don't do what I want then I will (dire consequences)." I think the only answer to that is, okay. If the dire consequence is suicide, call the authorities. That's embarrassing and that particular threat is less likely to happen.

I really don't think talking about it afterwards will do any good at all with a BPD. If you want to go to the wedding, go to the wedding. None of this is your problem.

That's my two cents worth anyway. Your mom has done enough to you, she shouldn't be separating you from the rest of your family.

[GeekyGirl]

She's saying if I don't she's going to get a new sim card tomorrow and change her mobile number and never speak to me again. I don't understand how i've become the 'baddie' in this situation!

You're not the baddie, although I know it can feel that way. You're respecting the boundaries your cousins have set (honestly, I don't like it when someone gives out my cell phone number without my permission in any case!) and as long as you validated your mother's feelings and broke the news as gently as you can, don't second guess yourself.

What you can do is negotiate with your mother. If she changes her number and sim card, you can make it clear to her that once she cools down, you'll be there for her. You're still going to continue with your plans to attend your cousin's wedding, though. Keep reinforcing that your relationship with her is separate from her relationships with your cousins.

I know firsthand how tough this is, but it helps to be consistent and remember that you're doing the right thing by setting and respecting boundaries.

[BiancaRose]

This sounds so familiar! Simply put, in this kind of situation you get cast as the bad guy when you don't do whatever your BPD mom wants. What she's asking you for is unfair, and it's unfair of her to make you out to be the villain because she thinks she should have your automatic, unquestioning loyalty no matter what. That's not how it works, but BPD moms don't seem capable of understanding as much.

Something I've learned over the years: threats to never speak to you again are generally empty. I've gotten to the point with my Mommie Dearest that when she says, ":)o x or I'm never talking to you again," I'm thinking, ":)o you promise?" To actually stop speaking to you would be to set you free from her control, but to threaten to do it . . . well, if it scares you enough, maybe you'll obey, and that's what she wants.

I'll hand you a page from my brother's book, since he's been relatively successful at negotiating boundaries with Mommie Dearest. Any time she tries to drag him into a fight that he's not involved in, he just says, "That's between you and [Dad, BiancaRose, Grandma, whoever]. I'm staying out of it." And he refuses to deviate from that. You have a relationship with your cousin separate from your mom's relationship with her and nothing your mom says changes your right to that relationship.

I know, I know, easier said than done. Just stick to your guns. And if your mom brings up that you originally said you wouldn't go if she didn't want, own up that you misspoke and shouldn't have said that, because you don't feel right following through. Then stick to your guns some more.

Good luck!

[WrongWoman]

She's saying if I don't she's going to get a new sim card tomorrow and change her mobile number and never speak to me again. I don't understand how i've become the 'baddie' in this situation!

I've ended up switching my phone off. She just makes so many demands of me and even when I do them she's still horrible to me and demands more. I really don't think I can cope with much more of it.

When is life going to get easier?

Have you asked yourself whether you really want a lot of contact with your mother?  It's her choice if she follows through on her threats, and frankly, to me, my mother cutting off contact would have seemed a blessing.  That sounds harsh, but going N/C / L/C was the first peace I ever experienced and that's when my life got easier.

I know that N/C or even L/C isn't for everyone, depending upon the situation, but I certainly wouldn't let her ruin what would otherwise be a nice day for you and your cousins and their family. If you can negotiate with her, then great.  But sometimes it isn't possible.  Either way, you are NOT the baddie.