What to do when falsely accused by pwBPD?

[Inner Healer]

The person I assist has a suspicious mind as well as a flawed memory. I regularly get accused of hiding or changing things that they are quite sure wasn't their doing eg personal items, household objects; altering light switches or computer settings.

No matter how often I swear to not be the guilty party they only become more hostile and claim that I'm always lying. If I suggest that they may have a memory/attention problem from their medication or constant distressful state this only makes things worse.

This is like being in a Twilight Zone where I am so supportive and sacrificing and then expected to cease actions that I'm not even doing. My testimony and innocence are shrugged off in a hostile manner by this other person.

They want to keep 'talking' about this situation but with the expectation that I will confess or cease these suspected rotten behaviours. This stalemate is doing my head in. Please advise.

Yours Desperately

Inner Healer

PS: They are 'over' counselling and unwilling to try different medication

[hithere]

Who is this person to you?

I found that there was nothing I could do at the time of the accusations, I had to wait for her to cool down and regain some clarity, then we could talk it out.  But it would just happen again, not sure there is a complete solution to this.

[artman.1]

I don't know what your Relationship is, but I believe you do need to establish boundries and Limits with this Person. 

     The best thing I ever did was read all the lessons I could find, and a good number of books on the subject of BPD, and then turned all my focus onto myself.  I read about 20 books about Codependent behaviors and recovery from codependence.  As I studied about me, I discovered that I had weak, and non-existent Boundries and Limits. 

     I stopped My Wife's rages about a year and a half ago.  I discovered she is BPD, and I am Codependent a year and half ago, and started working on me, and learning about BPD. 

     Boundries: I will not remain in the same location with someone who is raging, humiliating, or calling me filthy names, etc.  I did not tell her my Boundry, and just left each time she started.  It took three times and the fourth, she said, "If I say that, you will leave." and stopped raging and calling me names.  I just wish I would have known this many years ago.  Limit: I will not remain in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me.  I have not informed her, but I will not stay with her if she ever does this again.

     Boundries and limits are for your protection.  You must protect yourself emotionally, and physically.  I have detached with love, not anger and hate, but with understanding and compassion.  This allows me to see clearly what she is doing and what her behavior is a result of.  That is my mindfull way of figuring out what she really means and is doing, such as projecting, or victimizing herself.  She accused me of cheating on her at our 43rd wedding anniversary celebration.  With Understanding of the BPD behaviors and why, it became obvious she was projecting onto me her guilt from her own past cheating.  It was in essence her admission to me that she has cheated, although she was not intending this, or even realized she was telling me her inner secrets.  Her behaviors betrayed her.  Typical BPD behaviors can allow you to know a lot more than you believe.

Art

[Clearmind]

IH, I assume the person you are assisting is BPD?

In order to stop accusations and blame we need to be the emotionally mature one and step out of the cycle – ever taken a toy from a child? The child will throw tantrums, tell you they hate you, “you are not my mommy/daddy”, punch. Can you reason with a child when they are in this state? – No!

Why argue the point with a disordered person? Why the need to make him wrong and you right? Remove yourself, don’t engage, don’t react.

Rather than react - respond with a boundary - In thinking about boundaries – yours! – What dialogue/phrase can you use to put a halt to this? For your sake and theirs because right now you are part of the issue.



Stop accusations and blaming

[HardDaysNight]

What do you mean by assisting?  I think of helping the elderly,those with Alzheimers or some serious physical disability.  I can see severalthings that would impact memory and/or trust that can lead to what you describe, none of which are BPD.  From my experience, these are classic symptoms of Alzheimers.

If you are assisting someone I think it is important to try to figure the cause because different causes are best addressedby different responses.