Obsession

[lost007]

I have been separated from my wife with borderline traits for a month. She has not been diagnosed but is currently seeing a psychiatrist. From what I read here, often the person with BPD abruptly leaves and the non is left reeling. I am still working on detaching. My soon to be ex is holding on tight. She is unwilling to let go. She wants me back. When i rebuff her attempts she gets remarkably angry and goes on long text tirades. She berates me in every way possible. If I am "nice" to her on the phone, she says she understands why I had to leave and she doesn't blame me. She almost gets rational. At the same time, I know she has had phone contact and texts with several other men. She says this just happens out of the blue. Yet she accuses me of talking with other women and I haven't, not once. She seems obsessed with me. Is this common. If I do not want to talk about our relationship, she gets offended. If I ask to end the call and hang up, it triggers hours of angry texts. Advice would be helpful. Not sure complete NC at this point is possible. Divorce not for another month yet.

[HarmKrakow]

I have been separated from my wife with borderline traits for a month. She has not been diagnosed but is currently seeing a psychiatrist. From what I read here, often the person with BPD abruptly leaves and the non is left reeling. I am still working on detaching. My soon to be ex is holding on tight. She is unwilling to let go. She wants me back. When i rebuff her attempts she gets remarkably angry and goes on long text tirades. She berates me in every way possible. If I am "nice" to her on the phone, she says she understands why I had to leave and she doesn't blame me. She almost gets rational. At the same time, I know she has had phone contact and texts with several other men. She says this just happens out of the blue. Yet she accuses me of talking with other women and I haven't, not once. She seems obsessed with me. Is this common. If I do not want to talk about our relationship, she gets offended. If I ask to end the call and hang up, it triggers hours of angry texts. Advice would be helpful. Not sure complete NC at this point is possible. Divorce not for another month yet.

First of all, the best comment of all as you know. You are not alone, i know it sounds cheesy but most of us go through that shi!t.

My advice would be, stick to it until divorce is final and then go on a strict NC policy.

How to deal with the 'crazy' in between? No idea, i'm struggling with that myself as well. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Here's is a decent article about detaching from a pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

It sounds best to show very little emotion (think dull and boring) during contact with her, and keep it brief and to the point.  I would use my lawyer as a mediator, too, as much as possible.

[lost007]

I have been working on boring. Just got back from seeing an ill family member last night. Again we are separated. My soon to be ex called. Wanted details. Wanted to console me. I really wasn't in mood. Kept it short. Too the point. Ended call after only a few minutes. That just lead to a couple hours being bombarded with ugly texts. Nastiness. Maybe I haven't been boring enough. There is part of me that is angry because she can't be with me during this difficult time of family illness because of her behavior. Because I had to leave her. Maybe if im too boring she will take that leap to being with another man. There are several waiting. Always have been. It's messed up. Just waiting and looking for some peace.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I feel for you in your situation.  It sounds tough and painful.  I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout from my breakup.  Keep your head up, and stay the course.

What you wrote reminded me of extinction bursts.  Have you heard of them?  There's been some great information on these boards about them.  Try a keyword search using the terms and you will get lots of hits.  It sounds like that's what she's experiencing.  It will eventually die down.

If you give in to her pleas, that will likely just keep the cycle repeating itself.

[lost007]

I have heard the term. Still relatively new to the board. So much to take in. I would agree that at times she wishes for my extinction.  It gets so frustrating I could burst!

[Phoenix.Rising]

I hope she doesn't wish for your extinction... that's not what it means!  You might be joking. 

Here's some information:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I do hear your frustration, and I understand.  This is not easy, but we have to take care of our ourselves first.

[lost007]

I was kidding. But after reading some, seems this is exactly what it is. How is this stuff so repetitive situation to situation. It is really amazing to sit back and watch it. I have never seen anything like it. Closest is in the movie fatal attraction. Hopefully not fully to that degree, but her behaviors in the movie and her reaction with Michael Douglas is so eerily familiar. My soon to be ex dose not self harm or cut, but has threatened suicide.  No one outside me really sees this side of her, and that has been remarkably frustrating.

[Phoenix.Rising]

The worst behaviors show in intimate relationships.  Outsiders or casual friends have no idea.  It is very frustrating. 

Like you, I was amazed, and relieved somewhat, when I read the similarities of behaviors... many stories were practically identical!  Before I know about BPD, I felt like I was losing it at times.  BPD is a serious mental illness.

[lost007]

It is really pervasive. You can't believe what is happening and keep thinking it will eventually stop-but it doesn't. I never wanted to have to leave my wife. I was very in love. Sexually drawn like I have never been. Most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I truly think she loved me and still does. This illness is just so strong that I couldn't remain. She is seeing a psychiatrist. Has seen him 2 or 3 times. He has yet to diagnose.  She is practically telling him she has this. Her symptoms if he just listens are classic. Hopefully he can figure this out and she can be on the road to some help. She has realized the damage she is doing. She also knows she is powerless to stop it. I just couldn't ride it out any longer. Have lost friends, family and nearly my children. Would have only gotten worse had I not taken a stand.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Big kudos to you for taking a stand... tough stuff, indeed.  Like you, I felt "in love" like never before, and the sexual attraction was unlike anything I had experienced before.  But there was a dark side to all of it as well.  I saw many red flags, yet remained.  The price became too high.

I hope your wife sticks with therapy.  It is also a good sign that she has some awareness of the problem.  I don't believe these situations are hopeless if help is desired and sought after.  However, I hear it takes many years for real progress to materialize.

Will you consider reconciling if she continues with therapy?

[lost007]

This is the second time we have separated in a 2 year marriage. Overall we were together almost 5 years. So much drama in between. My family doesn't really want anything to do with her. It would keep a strain between me and them if I tried to reconcile. My kids-who are living with my ex wife-and I are very close. One of them loved her. The other not so much. It was getting difficult to hold it together in the house. She has a couple kids as well. Always broken plans. Drama. If I upset her she would take her kids and leave leaving me and mine reeling. Really crazy. I'm not sure if I could do it again. She has offered for us to stay together outside the kids. To travel and just have fun. But at this time I can't risk that. I know the same stuff will happen again. I have to admit her with another man in bed makes me crazy. She is just that good. Extremely sexual. I have to put all that out of my head. My therapist says to just stay away. It's hard to do. Expecially when she gets rational.  So, for now I would say no.  But I've learned not to say never. At this point, it should be never and I'm hopeful to get to that point.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Regardless of how it plays out, I suggest (if open to suggestions) putting your kids first, whatever that entails.  It sounds pretty stormy.  Mine was the same.  We split up and got back together multiple times over a period of around 2 years.

In regards to the sex, the more I learn about BPD and also the part I was playing in the dynamic, the less powerful that draw becomes.  In reality, she seemed detached much of the time during sex.  I think she was sexually abused when she was younger.  She told of a few things, but never got very specific.  I'm realizing that I have attachment issues of my own, and so the sex was like the perfect storm in many ways... but it was not healthy, adult intimacy.  Sure, we "loved" each other, but there was a lot of dysfunction there.  I don't want to go too deep into it here, but I'm trying to say that the pull you feel will lessen over time.  The sex for me became an addiction.

[lost007]

I think addiction is accurate. But she was never detached. She was probably more sexual than I was. Maybe some histrionic tendencies there. But intimacy was damaged for me because I knew she could blow up at any time. That to truly be intimate meant trust. No trust when anything you say can and will be used against you. Still I have that undeniable draw to her. Unexplainable. And I don't think understandable by others that haven't experienced this.

[trouble11]

She is seeing a psychiatrist. Has seen him 2 or 3 times. He has yet to diagnose.  She is practically telling him she has this. Her symptoms if he just listens are classic.

It's very possible he has diagnosed and not told her.  It's my understanding that many won't come right out and say "You have BPD."   

[Phoenix.Rising]

It's very possible he has diagnosed and not told her.  It's my understanding that many won't come right out and say "You have BPD."   

I've heard this as well.

lost007, When I say detached, I mean emotionally.  No question she attached to me emotionally on many occasions, but I started noticing she would close her eyes or avoid eye contact during sex.  I began to wonder if she was really 'present'.  It was a bit disturbing, actually. 

I've since read this is very common with pwBPD who were sexually abused, and it makes sense.  They can be very involved in the physical aspect (and she was), but disconnected emotionally... .  but, so can nons, for that matter.

[lost007]

That's interesting. I never felt detachment. Maybe didn't notice or wasn't there. And maybe he does have a diagnosis. I think sometimes she just isn't in crisis when she sees him.  There is no way he would think her behavior is acceptable. However she is so stunning and comes across so well he may be infatuated with her as well at this point. He did give her a survey to fill out. If honest, may be a window of opportunity for help. She has admitted a problem and seems to want to escape the destruction she has wrought.

[Randi Kreger]

Rather than control the hostility beneath the communication, which is not going to leave, I would change the method of communication. Use the BIFF model you can find on Bill Eddy's website. (Google it). The energy you are putting into this is draining you and frankly, what she realises is not your biz anymore. Be professional, businesslike, nice, and short.

[lost007]

Randy, it truly isn't my biz. However, she shares what is going on with me. And I'm still in process of detaching. Struggle with that. I m going to check out that model of communication. Thanks for the advice.

[lost007]

And you are right Randi. It is draining. Struggling to reconcile all that is going on.