Summing up three months after the breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Let me try to understand what has happened so far, in my confusion and sadness I dont know anymore if I was right to leave... .  

Sorry to those of you that know my story backwards... .  

He started shouting at me for nothing on a Friday night last October and I cried. I said he was mad and he went on the floor and screamed yes Im mad! He continued to rage for more than a week and my kids were getting hurt. He split them and blanked our D10, calling her a spy. It just got more out of hand. I wrote to him saying after years of conflict and my depression and chronic stress related neck pain, I wanted to separate, if not we were going to end up killing each other or miserable for life. in stead of talking to me, he got worse. So I left with the kids.

He screamed at me on the phone that he hoped I would find a good doctor and get cured!

He made no contact for about a month. Then got angry and called me a child stealer, and threw all my stuff out in the garden in the rain. Then a day of emails pleading for me to go back. He said sorry, so could I go back now? I didnt think he even remembered what he was supposed to be sorry for. I actually know a lot of the time he does not remember how badly he has behaved or whatbhe has said.

We met at two family birthdays and were civil. He started to invite me to go running, go to concerts, a day trip, but I said no, so he got angry. Threatened to come and take the car off me, was rude about my friends and family, refused to discuss arrangements for the kids or help me financially. He went through "nice" moods and sent me flowers and I still didnt go back so he got angry again. I said look stop being abusive to me, lets just focus on looking after the kids. We took our son to the cinema. Then he said he had tickets for the theatre and thought we both needed a good laugh. I said I didnt feel like laughing, so he got abusive again. The abuse is mostly email and texting. Just belittling me and then telling me I have abandoned him and destroyed his life and left him like a dog, he will die along with the goldfish, he has no present or future.

Then last week I turned up at the house at 8am and realised there was a woman in the bedroom! Had to make a quick escape but later wrote and told him I knew.

At first I thought wow, he realises too that it is over and wants to move on, he is not feeling so hopeless after all, but then I felt sick and sad andnhow could he do that in our house, I really thought he wanted me back, he said I had ruined the family. I went to the house a few days later and sobbed hysterically, he begged me to go back to him. To rebuild something together. But I could NOT look at him in the face, after 12 years of him saying he loved me cannot bear to think of him even kissing someone else.

I said I didnt know, I had to go day by day, that maybe it was over between us... .  and more abuse followed, that I had abandoned him but he had a right to start enjoying himself he had thought I had made a final decision... .  did I expect him to play the grieving wisow for ever...

Anyone recognise this pattern? Going between anger and dejection, making me feel guilty then inviting a new woman to our house even before the dust has settled, because I didnt accept his invitation to the theatre.

Many of you have said be tough enough is enough stop torturing yourself, we must stop the emailing and texting because he cant stop himself being abusive. If I go back it will start again sooner or later, if I dont go back he will try to make my life hell sending messages through the children or cutting off all support, no thoughts for our responsibility of being parents together!

Our children are just amazing and poor things it has been confusing for them but they have handled it... .  and i have had more quality time with them, and have felt better in myself, calmer. They now see a lot of their dad and a few days a week stay at the old house with him. I am scraping the money for the rent, and not eating so well as cooking and shopping were things I did as a wife and mum, I find it poainful to go in supermarkets ... now. The worst thing of all is that he has apart from occasionally when he is being nice and has a crisis of conscience, mainly blocked all my requests to meet to talk aboutnthe kids, says I just use him as a childminder so I can work, wont let me know his shifts or when he is free to get them from school, that has been the worst torture for me, and knowing it has hurt them too.

I think in three months, if he was willing to recognise he is not well and do something to show me that he really wants to get better and have a happy loving relationship like we did when the kids were little... .  he could have done a bit more than he did and a lot less being cruel to me. He has behaved like a child because thats the way he is. I left him because he behaves like a child and has no control over his anger.

Should I go withnhim to the BPD doctor? He says he is willing to trynanything, but only if I move back first. I feel we have to fix a minimum time, Inwould like to say that I dont know what will happen but I want us tonhave a trial separation for at least a year to reflect... .  

I am too nice, most of my girlfriends in the face of all this would have told him where to go many YEARS ago!

[Cmjo]

Let me try to understand what has happened so far, in my confusion and sadness I dont know anymore if I was right to leave... .  

Sorry to those of you that know my story backwards... .  

He started shouting at me for nothing on a Friday night last October and I cried. I said he was mad and he went on the floor and screamed yes Im mad! He continued to rage for more than a week and my kids were getting hurt. He split them and blanked our D10, calling her a spy. It just got more out of hand. I wrote to him saying after years of conflict and my depression and chronic stress related neck pain, I wanted to separate, if not we were going to end up killing each other or miserable for life. in stead of talking to me, he got worse. So I left with the kids.

He screamed at me on the phone that he hoped I would find a good doctor and get cured!

He made no contact for about a month. Then got angry and called me a child stealer, and threw all my stuff out in the garden in the rain. Then a day of emails pleading for me to go back. He said sorry, so could I go back now? I didnt think he even remembered what he was supposed to be sorry for. I actually know a lot of the time he does not remember how badly he has behaved or whatbhe has said.

We met at two family birthdays and were civil. He started to invite me to go running, go to concerts, a day trip, but I said no, so he got angry. Threatened to come and take the car off me, was rude about my friends and family, refused to discuss arrangements for the kids or help me financially. He went through "nice" moods and sent me flowers and I still didnt go back so he got angry again. I said look stop being abusive to me, lets just focus on looking after the kids. We took our son to the cinema. Then he said he had tickets for the theatre and thought we both needed a good laugh. I said I didnt feel like laughing, so he got abusive again. The abuse is mostly email and texting. Just belittling me and then telling me I have abandoned him and destroyed his life and left him like a dog, he will die along with the goldfish, he has no present or future.

Then last week I turned up at the house at 8am and realised there was a woman in the bedroom! Had to make a quick escape but later wrote and told him I knew.

At first I thought wow, he realises too that it is over and wants to move on, he is not feeling so hopeless after all, but then I felt sick and sad andnhow could he do that in our house, I really thought he wanted me back, he said I had ruined the family. I went to the house a few days later and sobbed hysterically, he begged me to go back to him. To rebuild something together. But I could NOT look at him in the face, after 12 years of him saying he loved me cannot bear to think of him even kissing someone else.

I said I didnt know, I had to go day by day, that maybe it was over between us... .  and more abuse followed, that I had abandoned him but he had a right to start enjoying himself he had thought I had made a final decision... .  did I expect him to play the grieving wisow for ever...

Anyone recognise this pattern? Going between anger and dejection, making me feel guilty then inviting a new woman to our house even before the dust has settled, because I didnt accept his invitation to the theatre.

Many of you have said be tough enough is enough stop torturing yourself, we must stop the emailing and texting because he cant stop himself being abusive. If I go back it will start again sooner or later, if I dont go back he will try to make my life hell sending messages through the children or cutting off all support, no thoughts for our responsibility of being parents together!

Our children are just amazing and poor things it has been confusing for them but they have handled it... .  and i have had more quality time with them, and have felt better in myself, calmer. They now see a lot of their dad and a few days a week stay at the old house with him. I am scraping the money for the rent, and not eating so well as cooking and shopping were things I did as a wife and mum, I find it poainful to go in supermarkets ... now. The worst thing of all is that he has apart from occasionally when he is being nice and has a crisis of conscience, mainly blocked all my requests to meet to talk aboutnthe kids, says I just use him as a childminder so I can work, wont let me know his shifts or when he is free to get them from school, that has been the worst torture for me, and knowing it has hurt them too.

I think in three months, if he was willing to recognise he is not well and do something to show me that he really wants to get better and have a happy loving relationship like we did when the kids were little... .  he could have done a bit more than he did and a lot less being cruel to me. He has behaved like a child because thats the way he is. I left him because he behaves like a child and has no control over his anger.

Should I go withnhim to the BPD doctor? He says he is willing to trynanything, but only if I move back first. I feel we have to fix a minimum time, Inwould like to say that I dont know what will happen but I want us tonhave a trial separation for at least a year to reflect... .  

I am too nice, most of my girlfriends in the face of all this would have told him where to go many YEARS ago!

[thinkcentre]

He screamed at me on the phone that he hoped I would find a good doctor and get cured!  Oh so familiar to me.

I didnt think he even remembered what he was supposed to be sorry for. I actually know a lot of the time he does not remember how badly he has behaved or whatbhe has said.

This is also very familiar.  I split with my husband in October also and these kind of conversations keep happening, even up to a few nights ago when he showed up on my doorstep, after drinking, wanting to know if we could talk about reconciling.

The abuse is mostly email and texting. Just belittling me and then telling me I have abandoned him and destroyed his life and left him like a dog, he will die along with the goldfish, he has no present or future.

This is similar to what I have been told also, to explain why he had to move on to other women, because he has nothing to live for.  This statement is ridiculous, of course they both have children to live for, but admitting that doesn't allow them to place guilt and blame for everything on someone else.

At first I thought wow, he realises too that it is over and wants to move on, he is not feeling so hopeless after all, but then I felt sick and sad andnhow could he do that in our house, I really thought he wanted me back, he said I had ruined the family. I went to the house a few days later and sobbed hysterically, he begged me to go back to him. To rebuild something together. But I could NOT look at him in the face, after 12 years of him saying he loved me cannot bear to think of him even kissing someone else.

This is where we diverge, I had the reaction of being pissed mainly because he did it brought a new woman around almost immediately (4 weeks).  I thought he would treat the children better if he had a girlfriend, and the kids tell me that he did.

Anyone recognise this pattern? Going between anger and dejection, making me feel guilty then inviting a new woman to our house even before the dust has settled, because I didnt accept his invitation to the theatre.

Recognize and lived it, I feel you.

Many of you have said be tough enough is enough stop torturing yourself, we must stop the emailing and texting because he cant stop himself being abusive. If I go back it will start again sooner or later, if I dont go back he will try to make my life hell sending messages through the children or cutting off all support, no thoughts for our responsibility of being parents together!

No one can tell you what to do in this situation, it really is about you, your feelings for him and what you are willing to do/sacrifice to make things work.  In my mind it becomes a question of cost/benefit.  If you still have deep feelings of love, maybe the communication techniques would help make the situation better and you could decide if there is something there worth saving.  You probably recognize a pattern and I would say after a 20+ year marriage, the pattern never really changed, ask yourself if you want to play this drama out a couple of times a year for the next 10-15 years.  If you think you want to work on it for the kids, look at life from their powerless perspective and see the ratio of positive to negative interaction.  When I did that informal analysis in my own situation, I saw that staying for the sake of the children was doing them no good.  I left.

The worst thing of all is that he has apart from occasionally when he is being nice and has a crisis of conscience, mainly blocked all my requests to meet to talk aboutnthe kids, says I just use him as a childminder so I can work, wont let me know his shifts or when he is free to get them from school, that has been the worst torture for me, and knowing it has hurt them too.

Please try to shield them from knowing about all of this.  I don't intend to let anyone but my lawyer know that my husband already tried to "give" me full custody of my youngest (11) child in exchange for me not asking for alimony.

I think in three months, if he was willing to  recognize he is not well  and do something to show me that he really wants to get better and have a happy loving relationship like we did when the kids were little... .  he could have done a bit more than he did and a  lot less being cruel  to me. He has behaved like a child because thats the way he is. I left him because he behaves like a child and has no control over his anger .

Should I go withnhim to the BPD doctor? He says he is willing to trynanything, but only if I move back first . I feel we have to fix a minimum time, Inwould like to say that I dont know what will happen but I want us tonhave a trial separation for at least a year to reflect... .  

I am too nice, most of my girlfriends in the face of all this would have told him where to go many YEARS ago![/quote]


I don't think he should dictate anything to you if he really wants to reconcile with you.  In one way he has got you over a barrel, he gets to aggravate, insult, belittle you and hurt your self-esteem while having a girlfriend and not having to be financially or parentally responsible for anything.  My guess is that this whole dynamic would change if you were seeing someone, it would get a lot uglier.  I am in this same conundrum myself.  I am starting to see the value in very low or no contact.  I guess you should start with is the marriage really over?  Only you can answer that.  Then the second priority is to protect your children and be their "island of normal" whatever the outcome.  I wish you the very best.

[maria1]

Hi CMJO

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds very confusing for both you and your children. I am concerned that your husband is capable of abusing both you and them when he becomes dysregulated.

Have you posted anything on the staying board? Have you looked through people's stories on there? It might help to give you a clearer idea of how to do this if you do want to give it another try.

I would say don't do anything too quickly, or too reactively. Your children need this to be calm and thought through and your husband is already calling the shots by blackmailing you into returning when he says he will go to the docs BUT only if you move back in first. If he is really committed to therapy it must be for him and not for you.

Try the staying board for some advice from people who understand how to stay?