Feel like sharing and getting feedback on my NC situation.

[mindfulness]

Hi all, haven't posted in a while but have been feeling the need for some support from this awesome community recently. So I figured I should share the story of my current NC situation with my uBPDm. We have been NC for several months now. In November, her house was destroyed by hurricane Sandy and she had nowhere to go. It was a tough situation because whereas most BPDs get hysterical and make every tiny problem into a crisis, this was a legitimate one; and despite my years of learning not to play into her dramatic attempts for attention and need to be rescued, in this case she genuinely did need help and support, both logistically and emotionally, from me and others around her. So I made many good faith attempts to be helpful and supportive in a healthy, reasonably way, while at the same trying not to let her push boundaries.

However I was unwilling to drop everything else in my life and put her needs first, which of course to her meant I was a terrible, selfish person who doesn't love or care about her and who doesn't have any desire to help her, ever. I actually was very proud of how I handled the fight we ended up having, which did not devolve into a full-blown screaming match as it very well could have. In our conversation, I continued to remind her of all the things I had done to help and all the things I would continue to do in the future, and explained that the level of help she was asking for was not reasonable to expect (of me or anyone else) and that I was happy to help her if she could adjust her expectations. I reiterated that of course I love and care about her but that she makes the choice to MISinterpret my actions in a way that make her feel bad. That she has the power to see things differently and chooses not to. That I am an adult with my own husband, full-time job, and life, and I cannot continue to give her the level of attention that she wants from me. I even said that she expects me to act like a husband to her, and I can't do that. I also told her that I feel like no matter what I do to help her, it is never good enough, and that the truth is no matter what I had done in this instance, she would have been complaining that it wasn't enough. That really the only thing that will satisfy her is if I divorce my husband, move back in with her, and be at her perpetual beck and call. That short of that, she will continue to say I'm selfish and don't care about her.

She was not pleased, hung up on me, and then totally cut off contact (of course I'm sure in her head she has interpreted it to be that I was the one who cut off contact).

Since then, she has made a few paltry attempts to get back in touch. The first was a nasty phone message (thank god I didn't pick up!) that she left because she had heard from another family member that I had been inquiring about my mother's location (I had just wanted to make sure she was doing OK). My mom's message was a furious rant ordering me not to ask anyone else about her or to discuss her with anyone else (as if she has the power to order who I can talk to and what I'm allowed to discuss). I just ignored it.

Then, more recently, a curt email saying that she needs an item of hers that I have. I wrote back politely telling her that I will hold onto it until she needs it. Then another one yesterday asking that I mail her some clothing of hers that she left with me. I wrote back that I would put it in the mail today.

The whole situation is quite sad, but I am also having a feeling that I'm sure many of you can relate to. I'm torn between the sadness that things had to end up this way, when in fact I could have (and even wanted to) help her through a tough time. On the other hand, I am so relieved that things played out the way they did because it meant I didn't have to be around her when she was at her most vulnerable and needy -- which as we know means most melodramatic, manipulative, and abusive for a BPD. The demands would have been endless. The hysteria and breakdowns would have been nonstop. I got to miss all of that. I have a feeling we will be in contact again soon, but for now this period of NC has been a breath of fresh air. And I'm very proud of how I handled myself throughout. I didn't get overly emotional with her, which is very hard not to do. My therapist praised me for what she described as "continuing to act normal towards her" no matter how she acts. Not willing to get sucked into the manipulative cycles, and refusing to respond to her histrionics. Not basing my responses to her on a fear of how she will react, but on how I want to respond and what is reasonable to respond.

But it's still been hard. It feels very weird to not be in contact with her during this life crisis she is going through. My friends keep asking me how she is doing, and while some of them know the backstory and I can be honest with them, I'm never sure what to tell the others. I usually just try to be vague and get off the topic as quickly as possible. Sometimes I'll just say point blank that she is angry with me right now and so I haven't talked to her too recently but that I know she is okay.

How do you all respond to the questions of friends/acquaintances about your BPD family members when you are in periods of NC? Also would love to hear anyone's thoughts or feelings that came up in reading my story. Things you can relate to, your own stories, advice... .  Looking forward to hearing back from everyone.

[GeekyGirl]

How do you all respond to the questions of friends/acquaintances about your BPD family members when you are in periods of NC?

In general, there are things that I don't like to discuss with acquaintances, including my religious beliefs, political views, and my parents. Typically if I say something to the effect of, "They're fine," don't elaborate, and, like you've done, change the subject to something else or ask the other person a question in return, that's enough to satisfy most people. With good friends, I'll honestly answer their questions as best I can, and most of the time, we'll move on to another subject.

There are a few things about your story that jumped out at me, and I can imagine that this past few months has been very hard for you. You mentioned that it's been weird to be NC as your mother has gone through this crisis, and that you think you'll be in contact with her soon. Now that some time has passed, and you've had some practice now in setting boundaries, what would you do differently if/when you do get into contact with her again?

Then, more recently, a curt email saying that she needs an item of hers that I have. I wrote back politely telling her that I will hold onto it until she needs it.

I'm just curious--is there a reason you want to hang on to this particular item?

[mindfulness]

I'm just curious--is there a reason you want to hang on to this particular item?

I think this goes back to the notion I've talked about with my therapist of continuing to act "normal" towards her regardless of how she acts towards me. I feel like if I throw out the thing of hers that I have, I'm just getting caught up into her cycle, because the truth is there is no good reason for me to really get rid of it other than because I'm angry or because I want to prove a point to her.

Now that some time has passed, and you've had some practice now in setting boundaries, what would you do differently if/when you do get into contact with her again?

Not sure I would do anything differently, per se. I've been working on this boundary setting for years now. All I can say is, the more I do it, the better I get at it. So I would hope that the only difference would be that I try even harder to stand my ground on the boundaries I do set. I also have set some ground rules of my own that I want to really try to stick to. One is that I refuse to engage with her when she starts attacking my husband, which she likes to do as a way to goad me into a fight or because she likes to blame the problems in our relationship on him (he's turning me against her; I only care about him; he's a bad son-in-law, etc.). Growing up my mom had a major issue with triangulating; I'm an only child and she was constantly bad-mouthing my father to me and turning situations into an us (me and her) against him conflict. It deeply damaged my relationship with my father as well as their marriage (they are now divorced, surprise, surprise). Having been through that, I want at all costs to avoid involving my husband in my conflicts with her. They have very little to do with him and her attempts to drag him into it are just so childish and manipulative.

So I vow that if and when we resume contact, I will flat out end any discussion that goes in that direction. If she starts to trash him, that's it. No comment, change the subject, hang up the phone. Not that I've ever been willing to trash him with her in the past, but I think I have gotten caught up in defending him to her and I think that is totally pointless. I'd rather just make it very clear that her attempts to criticize him to me will not get any sort of reaction out of me, one way or the other.

[GeekyGirl]

So I vow that if and when we resume contact, I will flat out end any discussion that goes in that direction. If she starts to trash him, that's it. No comment, change the subject, hang up the phone. Not that I've ever been willing to trash him with her in the past, but I think I have gotten caught up in defending him to her and I think that is totally pointless. I'd rather just make it very clear that her attempts to criticize him to me will not get any sort of reaction out of me, one way or the other.

That sounds like a good approach.  If she has problems with your father, she needs to resolve them with him. By complaining to you, she's putting you in the middle, which isn't fair to  you. Changing the subject is good, and it might be worth saying something along the lines of, "I know you're upset with him, Mom, and I understand that you have good reasons, but this is between you two, and I'm not comfortable with talking about that." Stay firm, but caring and hopefully after you do it a few times she'll stop bringing it up.

[beatup]

     WOW! You did so well not to get sucked into the vortex. You are maintaining your boundaries and handling a pwBPD... .  no small task.

     My close friends know about my NC and I do discuss it with them... .  as for acquaintances, I simply say that my sister & I are not speaking and it is sad for me but that's just the way it has to be for now.

     I think the sadness is something we must live with regardless of our level of contact.

[WrongWoman]

I think it sounds as if you are doing great!  I know it's very difficult, but I think you're doing fine.  The more boundaries you enforce without wavering, the better you get at doing it, and the easier it gets.  It does get easier, I promise!

That doesn't erase feelings of grief and loss and even missing her, though, and those will have to be dealt with on your side of the equation.  Even if you move back into a position of contact with your mother, it will never be the relationship you need it to be, and that's worth grieving over. 

As far as what to say when people inquire about your mother, in my situation, I'm just mostly vague.  If it's someone I don't really know and will probably not become an inner-circle person in my life, I just say, "She's fine - she lives in another state" and don't elaborate further. 

I've come to believe that we tend to feel much more obligated to give people information (that they're in no way entitled to) than we should, in an effort to be polite.  As a woman, I feel like society expects me to always put others at ease, even if they're asking questions that are none of their business.  I try to be mindful of not falling into that trap.