First steps into recovery?

[Depression = 72% of members]

After months of undecided , letting uBPDh back in, to and fro between message boards... .  lots more hurt and anguish over Xmas... .  the penny has finally dropped.

I know he had almost all the traits of BPD but I still questioned myself, especially about the sexual one as it isn't his strong point.

He wanted to restart our marriage back in late November... .  I finally gave in a week before Xmas.  He was almost so sincere and I fell for it... .  again!  He was the perfect partner for 2.5 weeks... .  then the cracks started to show.  I am so glad I read so much on here.  So many people in an almost identical situation to me. 

I observed his behaviour, read some more... .  observed his conversations, read even more... .  I knew there was no hope but I still stuck it out.

Then, one evening when he was out, myself and my daughter were looking up family members on google... .  OMG! There he was... .  a bisexual swinger!  Well, I was floored.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams this would happen.

It was the final straw.  I very subtly put it to him via text message and although he was a little surprised. He admitted it.

So now he is out, gone for good, I don't feel sorry for him like I did before.  I do feel sick and my gut is twisting but the pity and understanding has gone.

How on gods earth do I come to terms with this as well as still dealing with my other emotions.  I was a mess last time he left but this has shocked me badly.  I did begin the slow recovery process before I let him back and I think some of it has stuck but I need help now.  I have yet to tell my 13y daughter.

He has also gone back to an ex he had a fling with 14years ago and he has a 13yr daughter with her that I recently discovered.

Where do I begin this recovery... .  

[Apple white]

After months of undecided , letting uBPDh back in, to and fro between message boards... .  lots more hurt and anguish over Xmas... .  the penny has finally dropped.

I know he had almost all the traits of BPD but I still questioned myself, especially about the sexual one as it isn't his strong point.

He wanted to restart our marriage back in late November... .  I finally gave in a week before Xmas.  He was almost so sincere and I fell for it... .  again!  He was the perfect partner for 2.5 weeks... .  then the cracks started to show.  I am so glad I read so much on here.  So many people in an almost identical situation to me. 

I observed his behaviour, read some more... .  observed his conversations, read even more... .  I knew there was no hope but I still stuck it out.

Then, one evening when he was out, myself and my daughter were looking up family members on google... .  OMG! There he was... .  a bisexual swinger!  Well, I was floored.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams this would happen.

It was the final straw.  I very subtly put it to him via text message and although he was a little surprised. He admitted it.

So now he is out, gone for good, I don't feel sorry for him like I did before.  I do feel sick and my gut is twisting but the pity and understanding has gone.

How on gods earth do I come to terms with this as well as still dealing with my other emotions.  I was a mess last time he left but this has shocked me badly.  I did begin the slow recovery process before I let him back and I think some of it has stuck but I need help now.  I have yet to tell my 13y daughter.

He has also gone back to an ex he had a fling with 14years ago and he has a 13yr daughter with her that I recently discovered.

Where do I begin this recovery... .  

[KellyO]

That sounds so horrible, and I have no other advice for you than maybe you should get a therapist. It could be really helpful when your situation is that complicated. Time is a great healer, but right now it might  be too much waiting 

[freshlySane]

I have been there falling in love with the person they portrayed over and over again. Questioning myself is it me did i mess up was she right.

But i had similar experience finding dating profiles finding about her sleeping with men she convinced me was just  childhood friends, talking to men all hours of the day, while still telling me she loved me and still doing loving things from time to time. It drives you crazy do they care? is it BPD? is it me? was i enough ? how can they do this?

remember did he berate you?, did he physically harm you, did he emotional and mentally hurt you?, was he faithfull before you ofund out about this site? ... .  was he loving in a sense of consistancy? look at the positives and negatives.

Even regular relationships suffer some form of this and survive and many crumble... .  their are Non BPD relationships who have people who cheat abuse lie infidelity all those things and people mourn and move on... its not as easy for us because of issues we deal with as well as the idealization they put us on but people survive

BPD's are not special they are not the one the one nurtures you consistently love yous with no bounds and respects you. The one is one who accepts you despite your faults and helps you to excel in life and help you to reach your potential.

[Apple white]

He has almost destroyed me emotionally on more than one occasion.  I have suffered depression and anxiety on/off during the marriage.  He has been unfaithful on many occasions, however, even when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied he had done anything wrong.

I have just been reading the 3 stages of separating from a partner and I seem to have been detaching on auto pilot since he came back in December.

When I confronted him with the latest evidence he made feeble comments and eventually said 'ok'.

I feel very numb at present but not pity at all, which I am surprised about.

Tomorrow is another day ... .  I will keep a close eye on here for support and advice. It's a god send