Why are you still with me?

[Foreverhopefull]

Last night, my dBPDh was in a really good mood and out of the blue he asked: " After all I put you through, why did you never leave me? Why are you still here?"

I just looked at him and saw in his eyes that he was really questioning my staying. So I said all I had to say : "Our life is not a movie, it has it's ups and it's downs, I stay because you're working really hard on bringing out the best of yourself, I stay because you have helped me be a better me, I stay because I love you for who you are, I could never love anyone more than you. I know you love me too, so it's all worth it."

Then I noticed that he was looking at me, almost looking for more or not knowing how to process my response, so I added :" and you would cost me way too much in spousal support if I divorce you." (imagine me saying this very serious then laugh). He laughed so hard and just responded "Now that's the right answer.That's the real reason you stay... .  and you're right I would cost you a bundle since you're my sugar mama." and we went back to doing the dishes.

Of course, I had a feeling he would laugh because he was in the mood he was in, but I did take a risk it would backfire on me.

Did you ever get that question? I hate it more than "Why do you love me?" I was just happy that it was a good day.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

That question was the theme of our weekend.  He does not understand why I stay with him.  He thinks I deserve better than the way he treats me.  We talked a lot about why I accept and support him.

I just looked at him and saw in his eyes that he was really questioning my staying. So I said all I had to say : "Our life is not a movie, it has it's ups and it's downs, I stay because you're working really hard on bringing out the best of yourself, I stay because you have helped me be a better me, I stay because I love you for who you are, I could never love anyone more than you. I know you love me too, so it's all worth it."

I love your response.  It is so true and is almost exactly what I said to him. It is how I feel.  I get that question a lot.  He has such a hard time processing that I accept, love and support him.  He doesn't feel worthy.

So glad that you were able to joke and have a good day.  Enjoy those good days. 

[Rockylove]

DITTO!  I've gotten the same question and given a very similar answer... .  he still comments on it now and then though as if he's not fully convinced of my sincerity, but really wants to be.

[Peace4ME]

I just looked at him and saw in his eyes that he was really questioning my staying. So I said all I had to say : "Our life is not a movie, it has it's ups and it's downs, I stay because you're working really hard on bringing out the best of yourself, I stay because you have helped me be a better me, I stay because I love you for who you are, I could never love anyone more than you. I know you love me too, so it's all worth it."

I have gotten this question, and I've tried to answer in the same way, but I know I'm not being completely sincere... .  I'm not sure that either of us love each other in this way. Why do we stay? Sure there are good days, and I care for him, but the nasty side kills my love. I'm not sure I can or want to achieve Radical Acceptance, I don't feel that I'm getting anything out of it... .  

[Foreverhopefull]

Knowing that one of the things they struggle with is emotions, I kept it simple.

The reality is that I do love him, but some days I don't like him, I could pack up and leave, but then I remember that it's going to pass, that he's still in therapy and taking his medication, that he's still working hard on his sobriety (he does drink from time to time but now instead of drinking a 24 a day, he may "binge" drink a 12 pack in 3 days, then be sober for weeks/months. It's a far cry to what it was, and he continues to say that he want's to be completely sober), so I tell myself that this will pass like it usually does.

I stay because there is no more violence (even it happened once, before the therapy and medication and while he was at his top in his drinking... .  and now I'm sounding like I'm excusing it, which I'm not.) He really does work hard on handling his BPD better, I'm no idiot, he will blow up, he will try suicide, he will tell me things that break my heart during his blow up... .  everything that makes him BPD; but his work is making those moment fewer and further apart than before; they also don't last as long, are not as explosive/destructive and he is learning to deal with his feelings, recognize them, voice them without being hurtful or disrespectful.

Best part is that I'm learning to do this too. Because of all his hard work, I get to work on myself and together we have created a more stable environment for us to be together and be lovers more often than patient and caregiver. That's why I stay.

If I had to say all this, I would have lost him... .  and he would have said I wasn't responding. So I kept it simple and positive. He doesn't need to know that I have fluctuating thoughts in regards to us in moments of crisis, why open the abandonment trait when it's thoughts who last a few seconds to a few minutes and nothing more. It's not worth it.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I had that question too, and at the time, it nearly broke my heart.  I did keep my emotions in check.

I told her this, "Remember when I told you how much I loved you? that I felt a deep connection to you in my core?  Loving someone is not always easy, and when I told you I loved you, it meant the good, the bad and the ugly! and we've done a lot of ugly lately, yes? (she laughed) 

There was an intense few moments between us, something we generally don't do frequently because it tends to overload her.  She told me nobody had ever been so sincere, or tried to work through what she knew were her 'defective times'.  As difficult as it is for a pwBPD to trust, I believe that the slow and steady I've tried to maintain has been a good thing.  I'm the "calm to her storm" shes always telling me.

Relationships are hard work, r/s's with a pwBPD are really hard work, when times are good, the return is immeasurable.

I'm in for the haul, for as long as it works.  Perhaps that sounds naive, but nothing worthwhile is easy, but that's just me.

CiF

[Peace4ME]

Foreverhopefull, I'm going to use what you just wrote as an example, but I'm relating it back to myself, so please dont think I'm judging you. This is more of a question, and questioning myself.

You wrote that:You stay because you love him, because he is in therapy and getting meds, because he is getting better at staying sober, because there is no more violence and because his BPD traits are getting better.

I can mimick that in a way:I stay because he is in therapy and getting meds, because he is at least thinking hard about trying to quit smoking pot non-stop, because the emotional and verbal abuse is a lot less.

All of those reasons I just gave to stay are an attempt to even get to a place where we are in a healthy relationship, where it is tolerable. The more I read them the more codependent I sound to myself. I am happy he is doing these things for himself, and that sometimes they benefit me, but am I missing the love part? Without love what is the point of all this? He really doesn't do anything for me, he is so consumed with himself and his own problems that he has nothing left for me. I want my reason to stay in a relationship to be: because we do kind things for each other, because we trust each other, because we respect each others individuality and connect. Etc... .  

Again, none of this is meant to put you down. I just see that your love is enough to pull you through thehard times, and I don't think mine is, especially when I get so little back. If we had years of good times to back us up that would be different, but things got so ugly so fast.

[Foreverhopefull]

Peace4me,

In no way do I feel that you have judged me. We all have our reasons to deal with a pwBPD, the reality of our relationships is also that the reasons of today may not be enough tomorrow or be the same ones in 3 months.

It took me a very long time to get to the place that I am right now. It was a combination of faith, tons and tons of work on myself and a better understanding and realization of what defines my relationship.

It's hard to get a hug from my husband on certain days, sometimes I get one but he complains about me being needy, other times he's the one who hugs me and keeps me in his arms for quite a few Mississippi  . Those moments are the ones that remind me that he does love me as much as I do him. Being able to say that a great hug is enough and, often the most you can get out of your husband, takes a long time to process and accept as enough. When I say "I love you", i get " You're crazy". It used to kill me that he wouldn't even say "me too"; now I understand better that his response is the same as "me too". In the last few months, I got a few "I love you" and they felt even more amazing that anything else he could say... .  I understand now what it took him to be able to say it.

I try to "get" his moments that he takes to say he loves me and find them "enough". That being said, I would love for him to do more stuff like we see in "normal" relationships, who wouldn't. We love to be told/shown that we are loved, it's human nature. When I say "enough", I mean that this is what my "normal" is in this relationship. I feel that he is doing all he can do at the moment to show me an emotion he has a hard time processing (he has major issues with "love" and that anyone can love him when his own mother hated him), that his actions are stronger than his words.

I might sound a little (or allot) co-dependent when I mention that I stay because of what he has done; the reality of it is that if he hadn't done it, I would have left. I refuse to stay in a relationship that I'm the only one fighting for. We walk hand in hand to a better us, personally and as a couple. It's a long walk, filled with many many adventures and curves, but as long as we are doing it together and it's enough for us, I will be there.

[Peace4ME]

I might sound a little (or allot) co-dependent when I mention that I stay because of what he has done; the reality of it is that if he hadn't done it, I would have left. I refuse to stay in a relationship that I'm the only one fighting for. We walk hand in hand to a better us, personally and as a couple. It's a long walk, filled with many many adventures and curves, but as long as we are doing it together and it's enough for us, I will be there.

You sound very strong and he sounds lucky to have you 

I need to make some decisions. I post mostly on the Staying board, but in reality I'm still quite undecided. I started reading my old threads, they go back over a year now. He has made a lot of positive changes, I have changed my reactions and done my best to adjust my thinking and understand him more, but we still arent happy. Life with him is so up and down, chaotic or mundane. But I find myself asking many of the same questions as last year and feeling much of the same pain.

[crazymade]

My H asks me that very same question and i tell him if someone only wants to be with you during the GOOD times, then you don't need them. times will get rough, but we'll be together. one other thing he said to me that struck a nerve is that he said 'your'e just as messed up as i am for putting up with this s*it.' Yes, i've got my own little bag of disorders, but after coming here for a while, self-esteem is not one of them. i've used the tools on this board and am trying to make progress.

[Willow Bird]

I've gotten this question, but never when he was in a good head space, only when he had just finished ranting at me and making me cry.  At those moments I don't know how to answer.  Once I simply said 'I don't know'.  That did not go over well, but it was honest.

I'd love to be asked this question when he was feeling introspective in a positive way (does that happen?), when it's a real question and not a challenge, when we could have a rational conversation about it.

[patientandclear]

Peace4Me -- I am so impressed with your honesty with yourself about whether there is something in there for you after you get done appreciating the efforts your partner is making.  I know it takes courage to surface and entertain that realization, that maybe it doesn't contribute to your happiness and you are doing it mostly for the sake of doing it, and in order to not give up.  I've been there, not, ironically, in my current BPD situation, which is hard but not unrewarding; but in a long marriage with someone who was constantly sort of working on his very profound issues.  Or about to start working on them.  It was so hard for me to find the line where I could say "yesterday, this was enough to stay, but today, and for the rest of my life, it isn't.  I'm done."  Because mostly, it wasn't dramatic, it was just depleting without compensating joys.  Warm thoughts as you evaluate. 

CiF, that is just a beautiful story!  She is so damn lucky you exist and are as balanced, healthy, funny, loving and brave as you are. 

[Peace4ME]

Peace4Me -- I am so impressed with your honesty with yourself about whether there is something in there for you after you get done appreciating the efforts your partner is making.  I know it takes courage to surface and entertain that realization, that maybe it doesn't contribute to your happiness and you are doing it mostly for the sake of doing it, and in order to not give up.  I've been there, not, ironically, in my current BPD situation, which is hard but not unrewarding; but in a long marriage with someone who was constantly sort of working on his very profound issues.  Or about to start working on them.  It was so hard for me to find the line where I could say "yesterday, this was enough to stay, but today, and for the rest of my life, it isn't.  I'm done."  Because mostly, it wasn't dramatic, it was just depleting without compensating joys.  Warm thoughts as you evaluate. 

You hit the nail on the head. I suppose it really isn't all that dramatic often, but my life isn't very enjoyable with him. I do things with friends that I enjoy and I have a nice night with him a day or so a week, but mostly there is a big storm cloud that hovers over our life. I think I have been in an evaluation process all along. I don't want to waste anymore time, and since DBPDbf is pushing me away since I have been detaching, this time I'm just going to go with it, not be weak and remember how I got to this place.