I think he knows he's BPD now...

[tcevans78]

Hi All,

I haven't posted here in awhile.  Recap: I had a son (now 2 yrs old) w my BPD ex. We were off and on and in a typical painful relationship leading up to the pregnancy and when our son was 6 months he moved out for good.  We are two ppl who like, love, support, and respect one another - but it's not possible for me to stop hurting him so... .   We were working hard to co-parent w me supervising most visits, and it became too much.  I wasn't doing well so moved to live near family about 6 mos ago.  X comes to visit every 4-6 weeks for a long weekend.  

My x has always been aware that he struggles w an emotional problem, and has seen many therapists over the years who tell him he's fine but has an anger mgmt issue, or is depressed, or just stressed.  He has given up on therapy, and has decided to help himself.  He listens to audiobooks or public speakers every day (for a large pt of his day sometimes) to help him meditate or process his feelings, and set positive, healthy goals for himself.  :)espite his challenges, he is a smart, kind, mature man.  He often sends me a youtube link of what he's currently listening to and using.

I told him long ago about my therapist's suggestion he may be BPD and how this site (bpdfamily.com) has saved me (that was about 2 yrs ago).  He of course said lots of typical things rejecting the idea and calling me a BPD, etc.  Well, a few days ago I received it.  A youtube link about BPD.  And then the next day 2nd video. I called him and offered to talk.  He said something like, "it's interesting to know it has a name."  We talked for a long time and it was good. 

I'm shocked.  It's been more than a year of trying to move on.  I've been dating and have definitely created a healthy distance between us (one he supports and encourages as well).  His visits have made leaps and bounds in terms of becoming more pleasant and enjoyable over the past 6 months. We ended our relationship with the understanding that we don't want to break up - but must for our own emotional health, and of course for our son's and promised to support one another best we can (and try to avoid driving the other crazy by limiting contact).  We both realize we don't need to be in a relationship with anyone - and need to focus on achieving our mental health.  We both agreed to place this over finding a new relationship.  And we both agreed not to ask the other to wait - that if he or I found someone before the other was healed - well, that's life.  I date, but I honestly just love and miss my son's father and want us to be a family.  HOWEVER, I need to be at least dating and shaping my mind around the idea that he may never be healthy enough to be with us.  

Then - I get the youtube links.  I'm just shocked.  We talked a little about treatment programs - but nothing solid.  Wow.  

[Clearmind]

tce, wow I must say you guys have managed to really turn what could have been a very difficult situation into a supportive one. I can see you both have a friendship and care about each other.

I understand you are undecided, and now contemplating where to next.

Where do you see yourself in his treatment? Do you feel like you have the tools to move forward? Are you hesitant about a possible reconciliation?

[tcevans78]

Hi CM,

Thank you for the reply and good questions.  I was unsure where to put my post, and undecided seemed the better place.  I had been posting in parenting or moving on.  I stay the same - in terms of my actions and involvement in his life.  We both know that we each can't get involved in the other's process.  We want to feel healed as individuals - before looking to see if we're compatible romantically.  Besides - him looking at a video is only the beginning of what could take a long, long time to complete.  If he decides to complete treatment at all.  Today he is still not well and so we limit phone calls to things that are important only and try to remain pleasant for his visits. 

I'm a little shocked and curious what others have experienced w/their BPD if/when this happened for them.  Maybe I will post that Q in staying.  If there were a reconciliation, I'm sure it will be more than a year away. 

On the other hand, I have been a serial monogamist since I first turned 14 years old - which means I'm enjoying greatly the dating process.  I'm learning so much about people, and about myself.  About what I like/don't like, etc.  I'm taking a creative wellness course.  Who knows where he and I will come out at the end of our paths - maybe we won't even want to be together? 

But Damn - I just feel so shocked.  It's been a long hard road and to think this may be the tiniest glimmer of hope.  Not for me - but for my son.  He might have a healthy dad.  I just don't want to become too hopeful, I guess.  I want to try and be realistic.  I want to smile and I want to cry. 

Sorry this was so long. 

[almost789]

This is pretty amazing story, tcevans. And good you've realized the healing can't take place unless the separation first. How can he heal if the very thing which triggers him and you keeps triggering. I agree with you. Stay separate, work on your own stuff and he on his. Since you have children, I wouldn't give up that hope that you want the father of your children and to be a family. But, yes realize that it may never happen. Just take care of you and let him take care of him and who knows what might happen later down the road. It could be your not compatable anymore, it could be the complete opposite. Removing him from the "family' situation at some level does seem reasonable. Sadly, I don't think I've seen many who can handle the stress, unfortunately.

[tcevans78]

Hi LifeGoesOn,

I hear him say the same thing: that he can't handle the daily stress of family life.  Not without creating hell for us.  One good thing about dating is that I am starting to remember what it's like to interact with people in a positive, relaxed way.  It's making me wonder why I would WANT to get back together - child or not. 

The more I focus on, and invest in myself, the better I will be - and the better mate I will attract when it's time.  The happier the home I create for my son as well.  I'm trying to remain his hopeful friend - but it can be confusing sometimes - esp those times they show "promise".