Feeling guilty and angry

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  It has been 9 plus since I left my BPD gf which was the worse day of my life. On some levels our relationship was good. However at times she just hated me she would yell and tell me she hated me put me down throw things slam doors, With others she would play so nice with everyone and subtly put me down with others. I felt isolated and alone. The last week she was here she ripped into me twice about other women an other strange things as well she could distort the truth so easily and make me sound terrible even when I did the right things she would make me wrong, There were never any other women I was just crazy about her and wanted our future together, On the last day when she was screaming at me less than 14 hours after she committed to stop venting her anger that way. I was pleading for her to stop raging she would not stop. I had repressed my anger for so long I was afraid of what I would do as I do not like confrontation and when I would get angry she would use the shame guilt card and she had me right where she wanted me. On our last day she just pushed me to the end of my rope it was going to turn physical and I knew it. So I told her I had had it and she had to leave. I had been pushed to far. I bought her a plane ticket so she could go back to where she lived before with her family at 51 years old

  Two days later she left no apologies or regrets in fact she blamed me for everything I must say she went out of her way to leave the house spotless for me as she always kept the house well.  I was a basket case as I never wanted this I wanted her to get some help, She needed help and I could not take one more raging attacks but I loved her none the less. In the future days and weeks I avoided her at first by phone then after more crap from her via e-mail I stopped her by e-mail as well. This N/C  was to start taking care better of me and to be honest I was terrified by her anger. I still am she has caused so many problems with friends as well as with us. I felt isolated and alone as well as cut off from everyone as she charmed everyone while I kept in the background.

I learned this behavior as a child when my Dad would disappear when my Mom constantly put him down and she did it all the time and he yet never said anything to criticize her. I have felt guilty by N/C as I have avoid her at every turn hoping she would get some help and I could not for one more day put up with her put downs.  I even avoided some of her family as my cup was just full and I felt so bad about me from to many months of put downs and then on other occasions in public she looked at me like I was her savior or something. I felt like I was loosing my mind

  It has been over 9 months now things have settled down and no more contact from her. I have started a little dating however nothing serious as I am still not ready. My problem sometimes I will remember the good times and I feel so guilty for leaving, the pain is so intense. My problem is I was taught to stay with a put down queen and I feel I failed I know that sounds crazy it self however it is how I feel, How could I leave someone who was sick and someone I cared so deeply for.

  Lost friends, Distortions, Lies and most of all betrayal and I still at times feel guilty can any of you understand my lost sense of self ! I just want to let go of all of this it’s getting better but there are times oh it still hurts

[Hope 4 a better day]

  It has been 9 plus since I left my BPD gf which was the worse day of my life. On some levels our relationship was good. However at times she just hated me she would yell and tell me she hated me put me down throw things slam doors, With others she would play so nice with everyone and subtly put me down with others. I felt isolated and alone. The last week she was here she ripped into me twice about other women an other strange things as well she could distort the truth so easily and make me sound terrible even when I did the right things she would make me wrong, There were never any other women I was just crazy about her and wanted our future together, On the last day when she was screaming at me less than 14 hours after she committed to stop venting her anger that way. I was pleading for her to stop raging she would not stop. I had repressed my anger for so long I was afraid of what I would do as I do not like confrontation and when I would get angry she would use the shame guilt card and she had me right where she wanted me. On our last day she just pushed me to the end of my rope it was going to turn physical and I knew it. So I told her I had had it and she had to leave. I had been pushed to far. I bought her a plane ticket so she could go back to where she lived before with her family at 51 years old

  Two days later she left no apologies or regrets in fact she blamed me for everything I must say she went out of her way to leave the house spotless for me as she always kept the house well.  I was a basket case as I never wanted this I wanted her to get some help, She needed help and I could not take one more raging attacks but I loved her none the less. In the future days and weeks I avoided her at first by phone then after more crap from her via e-mail I stopped her by e-mail as well. This N/C  was to start taking care better of me and to be honest I was terrified by her anger. I still am she has caused so many problems with friends as well as with us. I felt isolated and alone as well as cut off from everyone as she charmed everyone while I kept in the background.

I learned this behavior as a child when my Dad would disappear when my Mom constantly put him down and she did it all the time and he yet never said anything to criticize her. I have felt guilty by N/C as I have avoid her at every turn hoping she would get some help and I could not for one more day put up with her put downs.  I even avoided some of her family as my cup was just full and I felt so bad about me from to many months of put downs and then on other occasions in public she looked at me like I was her savior or something. I felt like I was loosing my mind

  It has been over 9 months now things have settled down and no more contact from her. I have started a little dating however nothing serious as I am still not ready. My problem sometimes I will remember the good times and I feel so guilty for leaving, the pain is so intense. My problem is I was taught to stay with a put down queen and I feel I failed I know that sounds crazy it self however it is how I feel, How could I leave someone who was sick and someone I cared so deeply for.

  Lost friends, Distortions, Lies and most of all betrayal and I still at times feel guilty can any of you understand my lost sense of self ! I just want to let go of all of this it’s getting better but there are times oh it still hurts

[morningagain]

I developed the disordered belief that it was not OK to be happy when someone close to me was not.  I developed the disordered attachment of my self worth to how others felt about me.  This led me to tie my emotions to my wife, who turned out to be BPD, and to chase her around her disorder when she was dysregulated to gain back her approval, thereby magnifying her dysregulation into catastrophic proportions.

It has been a long process, but by identifying my part in the relationship destruction - my dysfunctions are coming into clearer focus.  Turns out I have had my own issues well before meeting her, but my disorders never bonded so perfectly with another person's disorders in this way before.

What I can say to you is that it is OK to feel good and to be happy.  The relationship failed: you both came in wounded and those wounds fused together and exploded.  It is OK to say that it is as simple as that.  Neither of you were capable of being in a healthy relationship with the other - based on the result that seems apparent.  You both contributed, but it is what it is.  

Without both of you changing, it is unlikely you both will become happy and fulfilled in the relationship.  With neither of you changing, the same result will absolutely occur again and again.

And, you can only change yourself.

So perhaps you figure out why you think you should not be happy because someone else is unhappy?  At least that is working for me - takes time and patience with myself and practice, but it is getting better.

Find a way to give yourself permission to feel good.

Take Care,

Michael

[Hope 4 a better day]

Thanks Michael I have learned a lot. I went into this relationship unconsiously finding a perfect Mom replacement for one and the second thing I was trying to earn love trust and respect and to prove myself worthy just like I did as a child. I stayed with my BPD gf for as long as I did because she was ill with Cancer and it was the right thing for me to do. Today I know I already have all those caring qualities however sometimes I forget and There are times I slip and when I do I open myself to old pain Today clearing out a room I found things that brought up some old memories and the triggers go off. I cannot be my dad as I have to be myself he made his choices and I have to make mine.  Thanks again it is just good to know someone understands and can point me back in the right direction. My focus needs to be today I have some new friends a great mens group with my church as well as my continued 12 step work with Coda. I know I am still learning and will continue to do so  One day and one step at a time.

   I also learned that to many things get hidden in long distance relationships so no more of those for me      

[morningagain]

"If a tiny spark of God's love already burns within you, do not expose it to the wind, for it may get blown out... .  Stay quiet with God. Do not spend your time in useless chatter... .  Do not give yourself to others so completely that you have nothing left for yourself."

- St. Charles Borromeo

This quote was emailed to me today by a friend.  Seems like St. Charles Borromeo ought to be the patron saint for those of us who love someone with BPD.