Chaos with The Queen

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Wife... .  undiagnosed BPD and in the middle of divorce who is also deep into an adulterous affair with a HS friend... .  daughter 17 yrs old and suffering.

So going by the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" my wife is the Queen. SHe has surrounded herself with new subjects (friends) that don't really know her and don't know the truth. Her mother (also an undiagnosed BPD) has encouraged this adulterous relationship. No one has held my wife accountable... .  with the exception of my daughter. My daughter and I got tricked into coming back from Australia for me to be served and my daughter to be held hostage. My wife has found it's not as easy as she thought it would be, especially with my daughter kicking and screaming all the way.

FFD to yesterday... .  wife and her lawyer went to court with my lawyer representing me. Wife's attorney said, "Husband is obviously still in love with wife and needs to get over it. And daughter is old enough to decide who she will live with." Essentially my wife is picking this adulterous relationship over her daughter. This book even states this will ultimately happen when they don't fall in line. I am in shock... but also know my daughter will be devastated by her mother's decision.

This is good in the sense that I can get my daughter away from her mother to bring "sanity", but we're trying to keep the family together. And so far wife does not think she is sick. In fact she thinks there is nothing wrong with all this. Apparently she was screaming at my daughter, "I deserve to be 'happy'... .  don't you want me to be 'happy?'" Now there are blatant Facebook pics raving what a wonderful guy she is with. She's STILL MARRIED!  Anyone in the know is just in disbelief. And yet no one has seriously confronted her. The analogy I give is my wife is in a car stuck on the railroad tracks with a train bearing down on her and all her close friends are screaming "get out of the car" with her saying "Why? Everything looks fine from here."

Will an intervention work? If my daughter and I leave will this feed into my wife's abandonment issues to where leaving with allow her to say, "There you go... .  everyone I ever loved leaves me." How can I bring to light just how sick she really is? Is there anything (aside from saving myself andd my daughter) that I can do to at least show her or shock her into seeing truth? We are at the end. 

[spratrbo]

Wife... .  undiagnosed BPD and in the middle of divorce who is also deep into an adulterous affair with a HS friend... .  daughter 17 yrs old and suffering.

So going by the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" my wife is the Queen. SHe has surrounded herself with new subjects (friends) that don't really know her and don't know the truth. Her mother (also an undiagnosed BPD) has encouraged this adulterous relationship. No one has held my wife accountable... .  with the exception of my daughter. My daughter and I got tricked into coming back from Australia for me to be served and my daughter to be held hostage. My wife has found it's not as easy as she thought it would be, especially with my daughter kicking and screaming all the way.

FFD to yesterday... .  wife and her lawyer went to court with my lawyer representing me. Wife's attorney said, "Husband is obviously still in love with wife and needs to get over it. And daughter is old enough to decide who she will live with." Essentially my wife is picking this adulterous relationship over her daughter. This book even states this will ultimately happen when they don't fall in line. I am in shock... but also know my daughter will be devastated by her mother's decision.

This is good in the sense that I can get my daughter away from her mother to bring "sanity", but we're trying to keep the family together. And so far wife does not think she is sick. In fact she thinks there is nothing wrong with all this. Apparently she was screaming at my daughter, "I deserve to be 'happy'... .  don't you want me to be 'happy?'" Now there are blatant Facebook pics raving what a wonderful guy she is with. She's STILL MARRIED!  Anyone in the know is just in disbelief. And yet no one has seriously confronted her. The analogy I give is my wife is in a car stuck on the railroad tracks with a train bearing down on her and all her close friends are screaming "get out of the car" with her saying "Why? Everything looks fine from here."

Will an intervention work? If my daughter and I leave will this feed into my wife's abandonment issues to where leaving with allow her to say, "There you go... .  everyone I ever loved leaves me." How can I bring to light just how sick she really is? Is there anything (aside from saving myself andd my daughter) that I can do to at least show her or shock her into seeing truth? We are at the end. 

[Clearmind]

Will an intervention work? If my daughter and I leave will this feed into my wife's abandonment issues to where leaving with allow her to say, "There you go... .  everyone I ever loved leaves me." How can I bring to light just how sick she really is? Is there anything (aside from saving myself andd my daughter) that I can do to at least show her or shock her into seeing truth? We are at the end.  

Short answer is No!

spratrbo, she needs to get help when she is ready - who knows when that would be. Denial is rife.

Leaving could trigger her yes - however right now, how can you protect you and D17?  Be mindful spratrbo that many things may trigger her abandonment fears - not yours or D17 fault.

You are not responsible for her happiness - you are however responsible for your own and D17 Be kind to you

[hithere]

Is there anything (aside from saving myself andd my daughter) that I can do to at least show her or shock her into seeing truth?

I vote no also.

Leave and give your daughter all the love you can and explain that her mom is mentally ill.