how to counteract BPD behaviour and lies

[mother in law]

I have read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and while agreeing with the sentiments of it ie empathy and compassion,  it is hard to see a family member treated in such an abusive way and feel that empathy.

My soon to be ex daughter in law is exhibiting all the signs  of BPD. She has been seen by a psychiatrist after her 2nd overdose and a counsellor for her anger but we do not know if a BPD diagnosis has been made. She has given my son such a hard time for 15 years that I have feared for his and my granddaughters mental states. She has been emotionally abusive ie will not talk, cook or do anything for up to 8 days at a time, verbally abusive-has continually told him he is useless, a terrible husband and she could get someone much better and she has a history of physical abuse -to her parents and at times him. She blames all wrongs in her life on everyone else -mainly him and now me.

After her last case of physical abuse towards him she sent him a text to say that I (her mother in law) had hit her father and she was shocked. It needless to say is untrue and was very hurtful to me. She is extremely nasty when in a rage and although it is advised not to take this personally when the rages are at least for 1 week out of every month it is mentally draining and very hurtful month after month and year after year. He has been very patient with her, trying never to provoke the rages that occur and trying to see her point of view. It has however become too much for him and he has left her. He has part custody of their daughter.

My concerns are:

1) she continues to harass, change the rules that were agreed to in mediation re child care etc, verbally abuse him and us, tell lies about him and us to anyone who will listen. How do we set the boundaries with her and tell her in a "nice" way that this is unacceptable?

2) my granddaughter listens to all the complaints as her mother treats her as a confidante as well as not tempering her behaviour when raging at my son. I am concerned for her mental welfare especially as she sometimes acts out her mother's behaviour. How do we counteract this? We do not want to take her away from her mother as she does love her, but any advice is welcome.

Thank you for listening.

[ambi]

Hi mother in law:

  It's really hard to watch our children and grandchildren struggle with pain.  I'm sorry that your family is going through this.

There is a lot of information here that might be helpful.  You talked about your granddaughter being caught in the situation.  Shared Parenting    is a workshop that discusses  how to keep the child from being a pawn and having effective boundaries without exacerbating the situation.  It might be a good place to start.

I hope that you'll keep posting - there's a wealth of information here and some very compassionate folks who'll offer support and suggestions about the things that have worked for them.

ambi

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Mother in Law,

I second Ambi's  

I wanted to pass on that we also have a legal forum on the site since it sounds like your son and daughter in law are divorcing?  Lots of great advice on dealing with a difficult parent and the things that happen with a break up.  There is a very good book called Splitting with advice about dealing with a difficult partner in court, might be helpful to your son.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

May I ask how old is your granddaughter?

[Suzn]

Hello Mother in Law 

Welcome to bpdfamily.com. I'm sorry things with your dil have been so difficult for you. We all understand here what a struggle it can be to watch someone we love struggle themselves. Going through a divorce is hard for anyone, add in children and then BPD it can be devastating. Understanding more about BPD can help.

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Our boundaries are not rules we can expect others to live by. Our boundaries are about values we live by and they play a role in our reactions, we can only control ourselves. You won't be able to control what your dil says to other people about you, you can however control how you react. I know how painful it is to hear someone has said things about you that aren't true.   

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

It sounds as though your grand daughter is struggling with this situation as well. Divorce is usually hard on children. Being someone who offers her some stability will benefit her a great deal. She is lucky to have you. Your son will need to be the one who deals with the decisions made in mediation about the children, you are part of his emotional support through this.

I'm glad you have found us and am looking forward to hearing more of your story. Keep posting, it helps.   

[mother in law]

I am the mother in law (soon to be ex) of a BPD female who has turned our life and that of my son and their daughter upside down. She is all the things described in these pages-full of rage, manipulative and abusive (emotionally, verbally and physically). She tells vindictive lies about us and denies knowing arrangements about their daughter after they have been made. My concern is that becuase my son is not living there (he has nearly 50% custody) to take the brunt of this behaviour that my granddaughter who is 10 is bearing it and it is confusiong for us never mind a 10 year old. I have spoken to her about it a bit just to let her know that if her mother is out of control she can call me and I will come and take her out till her mother calms down. My son is still not in the head space of challenging her mother.

1) what else can we do to make her life easier?

2) when she tells lies about us and denies knowing arrangements do we correct her in as non threatening a way as possible or let it go? I suspect no one has ever challenged her as it is too hard as she becomes abusive.

It is complicated in that english is not her 1st language (she does understand though and speak english well) and people find it difficult to believe that someone from her back ground would ever behave like this. This has opened up my eyes to the fact  that people seem to think male to female abuse is not acceptable but female to male abuse is ok! It is sad as the effects on the abused male is just as great as on an abused female.