I no longer exist to him but I can't help texting him. Anyone else?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been 7 months since he said, "I love you, honey.  I'll see you tomorrow." and that was that after a year and half of dating only each other.  I have not seen him since November and have only received approximately four or five texts from him since November, all in response to my texts except for one on Christmas Day.   My messages range from a week to a month apart - usually an update on one of my children "Walker has scored 22 points and its only the third quarter!" or "A plaintiff I just deposed is one of your patients." or "Happy Valentine's Day" - he simply doesn't respond.  For some reason, it comforts me to tell him things, despite the fact that he's not responding.  Of course, I feel awful most of the other time - and wonder if he has a new girlfriend and they make fun of my weekly texts; or does he delete them without reading them; or does he read each one and then continue living his life. 

Since I don't know what he is doing, how he is feeling, if he is dating and has been all this time, how can I let go of imagining that he is missing me?  I think of him as tormented and sad, having pushed me away because he knows he is ill.  When in fact, he could have cheated on me, left me and celebrating 7 months with her.  I guess I ask, in the face of clear evidence (lack of contact) to support it, why will I not accept that he does not care about me?  I am thinking of hiring a private investigator to find out what he is doing - so that if he's dating another person, I will have to face it and move on.  I won't be able to pretend that he is alone in the apartment I decorated for him and my side of his bed is empty.

The agony of no contact.  It is almost too much for me to bear.

Cookie

[cookiecrumbled]

It has been 7 months since he said, "I love you, honey.  I'll see you tomorrow." and that was that after a year and half of dating only each other.  I have not seen him since November and have only received approximately four or five texts from him since November, all in response to my texts except for one on Christmas Day.   My messages range from a week to a month apart - usually an update on one of my children "Walker has scored 22 points and its only the third quarter!" or "A plaintiff I just deposed is one of your patients." or "Happy Valentine's Day" - he simply doesn't respond.  For some reason, it comforts me to tell him things, despite the fact that he's not responding.  Of course, I feel awful most of the other time - and wonder if he has a new girlfriend and they make fun of my weekly texts; or does he delete them without reading them; or does he read each one and then continue living his life. 

Since I don't know what he is doing, how he is feeling, if he is dating and has been all this time, how can I let go of imagining that he is missing me?  I think of him as tormented and sad, having pushed me away because he knows he is ill.  When in fact, he could have cheated on me, left me and celebrating 7 months with her.  I guess I ask, in the face of clear evidence (lack of contact) to support it, why will I not accept that he does not care about me?  I am thinking of hiring a private investigator to find out what he is doing - so that if he's dating another person, I will have to face it and move on.  I won't be able to pretend that he is alone in the apartment I decorated for him and my side of his bed is empty.

The agony of no contact.  It is almost too much for me to bear.

Cookie

[bb12]

Hey OneToughCookie

Yep - identical over here. And it is pure agony... .  and makes no sense.

Mine also ended without a real fight. Just the silent treatment. But unlike your text messages, many of mine were very angry. Especially after the first month or so when I realised his silence was deliberate. I am sure he has used my anger to retropectively justify ongoing silence... .  

I am 12 months out now and he has never, ever, ever responded to anything. And you walk the Earth like a zombie. I think even the sanest person can not help but fixate on them... .  on the situation... .  because it makes no sense. And it is their ultimate power trip... .  a passive aggressive way to ensure supply.

I realised back in OCT that every SMS or request for dialogue was nothing but Grade A narcissistic supply to him so I stopped giving it to him. 4 months of NC later and I still hear nothing from him

I'd be lying if I said it does not still affect me, but I have somehow managed to move it to a less personal place.

I shifted to self-examination and how I choose so badly for myself.

When all is said and done, no normal person can switch off their feelings on a dime and act like 2 years of very intimate contact didn't happen.

Just believe that at your core and depersonalise all of it. See the illness and do your best to let it completely go

I am at the point now where I have more good days that bad and feel blessed in a way that this decimation actually happened and that I got to build a brand new me from the ground up. But as grateful as I am for all of that, the pain or scar or pull can still be a very big part of my day... .  and I want it to stop



bb12

[HardTruth]

Hi Cookie,

I TOTALLY feel for you.  I'm so sorry about what you're going through.  I actually stalked my exNPDbf after he left me - he only lived up the street so it was easy  I HATE and HATED the silent treatment.  It is the absolute worst!

I don't know what kind of support and help there is where you are.  I got lucky and was recommended to a great counselor after that break-up.  She works with "manifestation" and my starting goal was to find a great guy and relationship where the guy would stay.  So, she asked if there were blocks.  There were.  And so we started by working on identifying and clearing the blocks.  

So, there wasn't a lot of talking about things over and over again.  She would get to work with me right away.  Muscle test me to see where to start, and start doing exercises with me, telling me things like - Guidance says there's three things in your heart chakra that it wants to tell you.  What are those things?  Then I'd have to close my eyes, get centered, go into my own "guidance" and see what spoke to me.  

It has been an amazing process.  A little hokey-pokey.  But who cares, because it was effective!  She gave me homework at the end of each session.  

I had my "goal" but underneath it I was severely depressed.  Suicidal thoughts constantly.  We didn't actually address the depression directly.  But all the above work did address it.  Worked with abandonment, lack of self worth, etc.

My next relationship lasted for 5 years and was better than the one with my exNPDbf.  Even with all the ups and downs over the subsequent years, and then leading up to my relationship with my exBPD, my recovery time has significantly improved.  My depression and total lost feeling has gotten so so so much better.  

Finding someone who can really help you address the issues of abandonment that are deep in your subconscious I think is really important.  Then you can make a progressive change that you can see and feel in yourself.

Hugs to you.  

-HT

[cookiecrumbled]

Thank you both!  Yes, I believe I am nearing the end of effectiveness with my current therapist.  I just sit and cry and she says I have to get my head out of my ass.  ?

[HardTruth]

Yikes!  That what she tells you/ that's her attitude?  I wish I could turn off the pain receptors too, but that button doesn't seem to be working!  That's why I'm seeing a therapist... .   

Yup, I think you need a therapist that has some more effective tools than that to offer you!  Hopefully someone who has some tools to work with the unconscious.  Mine is a non-dual Zen Buddhist practitioner, so she has a pretty strong commitment to her own growth and dealing were her unconscious attachments and all that. 

If we could just control our emotions by just wishing them to be what we want them to be, we wouldn't be on this board!

[Clearmind]

Cookie, he is telling you something if you want to accept it. Detaching is conscious not unconscious - it takes effort on our part to move forward - to do this - when you think about him - turn it around and look at why you are contacting him.

Why are you contacting him? What do you want to achieve by doing this? Is it hope, or is to maintain contact so he doesn't forget you - just in case he may want you back?