The logical thing to do here was to purchase a card and a small token present. But she was furious for months about this slight. So by validating the feelings that she was taken advantage of, used, her family had unrealistic expectations, I would be saying she was right in the decision she had made.
Hithere, you are right – this is where you use S.E.T – validation mixed with truth.
It takes one person, usually us unfortunately to exercise some emotional maturity. Its unfortunate our partners lack this.
If my partner with BPD says she is angry because I was talking to someone else for 5 minutes and she felt left out, I do not feel that is a valid emotion to have based on my morals, So it is not okay or right for me to validate her feelings.
It’s not a valid emotion to you! To her she feels completely justified. We can either counter-attack and escalate the situation - where we end up in a conflict cycle or we can use S.E.T – SET is not just about validation its about truth as well – this communication tools allows you to put your point of view across.
This excerpt is from the right --> Choosing a Path
End the destructive, pointless, circular miscommunications that you are having with your partner.
Step 1 - Stop the Bleeding
You are probably asking yourself, Why was she doing this to me? Why does she think I am the cause of all the problems? Why is she so unreasonable and hurtful? Why is there such a double standard? You are probably feeling either hurt and defensive, or resentful and angry, or both.
Often we find ourselves caught up in a cycle of conflict. We trigger reactions in them. This in turn triggers reactions in us. And so on. You may be living together - yet alone and in cold war. You may be separated and fighting.
What should you do? The same thing we do for any wounded soldier: "stop the bleeding". This is not a long term fix for the soldier and it is not a long term fix for you. But if we don't stop the bleeding, nothing else really matters.
What does it mean in this context to "stop the bleeding"? It means to end the destructive, pointless, circular miscommunications with your partner. This can only happen when one party stops. If your partner has BPD or BPD traits, this is not likely to happen unless you initiate it and stay strong. For you to do that, you must first believe that "stopping the bleeding" is in your best interest - and far more important than all the things that are driving the cycle of conflict.
Unless there is physical abuse, stopping the bleeding is more important.
How do we stop the bleeding? First, we stop fighting back. This goes beyond just 'not arguing'. It includes: no pouting, no passive aggressiveness, no silent treatment, no saying "whatever".
Second, we use proven communication techniques. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. After food and shelter it is one of the more basic of human needs. Giving this to the pwBPD (or with BPD traits) is a powerful way to break down the immediate trauma. It is possible to stop making things worse and it begins with learning a new way of responding and listening. And it includes learning how to ask for what we want in a constructive way.
There is a formula for speaking with someone that has a better chance of success if used properly. Our attitude, tone of voice and body language has a huge impact on how our message is interpreted.
Communication techniques are discussed here. They take practice. They take time to work. Be patient. You may get frustrated, but keep trying as the payoff could be a new, healthier relationship.
