Suggestions for 2 year old daughter?

[zaqsert]

For most of the time since I joined these boards a few months ago, I've been on the Staying board.  Life with my uBPDw had been hellish.  Then I learned about BPD, read SWOE, and found these boards.  Wonderful people here and the lessons helped me to bring some stability to our home.  It's still a work in progress, but it's better than it was.

My question here is about my 2 and a half year old daughter.  Soon before I learned about BPD and found this site, my DD2 had started throwing tantrums.  I know many 2 year olds do this, but it seemed to me that her tantrums came soon after my uBPDw (her mom) was dysregulated and, supposedly reacting to something our DD2 did, either left to another room for the rest of the day, punished her for something pretty insignificant, treated her as though she were a much older child, etc.

Once I started to put the lessons into effect with my uBPDw, my DD2 started to improve too.  That was until recently.  Just recently, when she doesn't get her way or, sometimes, when we don't understand what she wants to do, she starts throwing a tantrum.

A couple of times I gave her an option (e.g., you can walk to <what we need to go do> or I will help you and carry you).  She snapped out of it pretty quickly and decided to walk on her own.  A couple of times I waited her out, and then she started giggling.  But other times, when we don't manage to help her stop it, it goes from a cry with no tears to a full-on sobbing cry with real tears.

This may just be part of her development as a 2 and a half year old.  But I can't help but worry that she may be picking up behaviors from my uBPDw, or that the frequent in[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] that she gets from her mom (my uBPDw) may be causing her to start developing some BPD or even "fleas".

What can I do to help my DD2 as best I can?  I saw the recommendation to read I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better.  I will read it.  Aside from this, any other recommendations?

Thanks!

zaqsert

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zaqsert]

One more background note regarding my question... .   I worry also because my T told me that the first 3 years of a child's development are crucial, and the first 5 are very important.  My T brought this up in the context of my needing to provide DD2 with at least one stable parent at least through age 3, and ideally through age 5.  With my DD at 2.5, I don't want to blow it during the crucial phase!

[BioAdoptMom3]

 !

I can certainly understand your concern since your wife has BPD!  It sounds like you are doing everything you can to be a stable parent in your little girl's life and that is so important!  I think you are correct though when you mention that this is a normal part of child development in toddlers and preschoolers.  Our 13 y/o DD probably has it, but her psychiatrist and therapist have both emphasized to us that at her age they label it as traits rather than a disorder.  Generally children are not offically diagnosed with it until they are 18 or at least close to it as the brain is still developing. 

In the meantime at this stage of development try giving your DD choices whenever you can.  It's time to go to bed.  Do you want to brush your teeth first or have a bedtime story first?  Or, do you want milk or juice with your lunch?  That does a lot to prevent tantrums, though they are still sometimes going to occur.  You also need to give her the language for how she feels whenever you can.  When they can express themselves and their feelings they are more likely to verbally share rather than whine, kick, scream, etc.  You might say, you are angry because daddy will not let you go in the street, but you could get hurt and I have to keep you safe.  That also will help if BPD is in her future because you are valadating her feelings and that is part of the treatment for the disorder.

[qcarolr]

zaqsert -  

What you have shared here is right on target for your little girl. She is so lucky to have you in her life. You can certainly make a big difference.

My gd7 has lived with dh and I her whole life. My BPDDD27 pretty much abandoned her to us at about 8 months when the daddy ended up in jail for a year. DD has been in and out of our home, and gd's life, over the years. She loves her little girl, and she  is rarely able to put gd's needs ahead of her. DD got her BPD dx when gd was  age 4 and I found this bpdfamily.com that has really saved my sanity over and over and over. I deal with lots and lots of   with gd.

We have also been working with a T since gd was 4 - sometimes family therapy, sometimes play therapy. And the T has lots of experience in attachment and dysfunctional families working in the county system. She has given me opportunites to do parenting classes, DBT therapy for myself, and a parent/adolescent DBT skills class. Even though gd is a child, this class gave me a clearer perspective about both my DD and my gd.

Last summer gd was given dx of ADHD, anxiety, PTSD. Learning disabilties have so far been ruled out by the school. So I do have worries about BPD in her future, as well as substance abuse. Both parents have all these issues as well.

The books I would suggest for you include. Click the links for a review.

Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors

by Pat Harvey, ACSW, LCSW-C, and Jeanine Penzo, LICSW

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;msg=12264094;topic=202679.0;sesc=c9cd85546c7db5903bade5ed5578f22d

Creating Loving Attachments  

Parenting with PACE to Nurture Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child

by Kim S. Golding and Daniel A. Hughes, PhD.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195443.0

[pessim-optimist]

Hello zaqsert,



welcome to the parents' board!

It was very encouraging to be reading your post! You sound like a wonderful, caring father.

You are very right, your dd's environment is important and being exposed to mom's invalidating and/or poor parenting approaches constitutes a risk factor.

The good news is, you can provide the necessary stability and support for your dd's healthy development.

In addition to what others have suggested, I would recommend the book "Boundaries" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend.

It's a book about boundaries in general (which is a good topic), and they devote a part of the book to child development and what is appropriate at what age, also what may go wrong and how to correct that at a later age. Their main point is that by age 3 they should be able to "be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one's freedom to be apart" and, express "appropriate no's ... . w/out fear of loss of love" and take "appropriate no's from others w/out withdrawing emotionally".

As you have observed, they describe that the period between age 1.5-3 is difficult (and also contains some important developmental milestones).

It's a christian book with scriptural references, but if you don't happen to have a christian background, you will benefit from the sound scientific approach. The authors are both psychologists.

Another important point that I would make is that children at this age do not know how to express their feelings appropriately and don't know how to deal with their feelings appropriately. And our role as parents is to LET THEM feel their feelings, validate them, and teach them how to appropriately express them, and how to deal with them.

If we successfully teach them this lesson, we give them a tremendous gift.

All the best, looking forward to hearing more of your journey with your little sweetheart... .

[vivekananda]

Hi zagsert   

You have been given excellent advice above. I would just like to add, not to worry too much. You don't want to be anxious for your toddler, she will pick that up too  . If you are happy and relaxed, that improves her changes of feeling good. If you are doing the reading and implementing the tools, you should feel a lot happier and more relaxed  .

While those first 3 years are critical for any child's development, it is the teen years when you will be tested and when your validation and boundary skills will be seriously challenged. It is in the teen years that some are able to overcome the BPD tendencies. (I listened to Dr Blaise Aguirre talk on adolescent BPD just yesterday, he mentioned a study of twins in Florida found 4 in 100 with BPD tendency and studies of BPD in adulthood show it to be 1 in a 100).

By the time it gets to those teen years, you should have your skills nailed good and proper... .

good luck,

Viv 

[pessim-optimist]

I would just like to add, not to worry too much. You don't want to be anxious for your toddler, she will pick that up too  . If you are happy and relaxed, that improves her changes of feeling good. If you are doing the reading and implementing the tools, you should feel a lot happier and more relaxed  .

By the time it gets to those teen years, you should have your skills nailed good and proper... .

Yeah, that TOTALLY TRUE! I will need to remind myself of that too. We do not want to become nervous wrecks trying to engineer our kids just right. That would be rather counter productive.   

Thanks Viv, do we ever remember to just relax and be ourselves?   

[zaqsert]

Hi BioAdoptMom3, Qcarolr, Pessim-Optimist, and Viv   

Thank you so much for your suggestions and supportive responses!  I will do my best to give my DD2 a good environment while (hopefully) not worrying too much.

 

zaqsert

[mamachelle]

Hi zaqsert,

These are all excellent suggestions for reading.

I am a mom and stepmom. I am parenting 2 sets of kids with one BPD parent ages 8-16. I am also a mom of a 2 year old S with my NonH. Only one of my kiddos SS10 is showing real signs of BPD traits. My 2 year old, well, he acts like a 2 year old and throws tantrums and fits. Now my SS10 was 4 when I met him and I can honestly say his behavior has not changed a great deal-- so I don't want to tell you that all is fine and dandy, but I can say-- consistent, structured parenting in wise mind is the best medicine. My favorite book so far is the 'Parenting A Child with Intense Emotions' and then of course 'I don't have to make Everything all better'. It totally changed the way i parent. Yes, you can validate a 2 year old. It works!

Here are a couple resources that deal more with the BPD mother aspect of things:

Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

We are here for you!

mamachelle

[zaqsert]

Hi mamachelle,

Thanks for the pointers and support!  I will try these.

It looks like you have your hands full.  All the best to you too!

zaqsert

[lbjnltx]

Modeling behaviors that can help our children develop an emotional vocabulary may help avoid some of the frustrations they experience.  Being heard, understood, validated, not judged and supported as they move through the stages of development while meeting the hierarchy of needs can minimize the risk factors.

Being able to verbalize beyond the 5 basic "feelings" with more descriptive emotions while verbalizing facts and then reaching a balanced view/decision will demonstrate to our children how to achieve wisemind and problem solve.  A 2 year old is not capable of wisemind of course... . it is the modeling of this overtime for them to witness that teaches these skills.  This naturally occurring internal process can be externalized for their benefit.

Just thinking out loud... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Good thinking lbj,

How does verbalizing beyond the 5 basic feelings look like? Any reading suggestions?

I must admit that my FO never modeled that for me, so I am lacking in that area. Learned to run on my intellect suppressing all feelings. These days sometimes it's hard to tell how I feel unless the feeling is intense... .

Read the book "How We Love" (a Christian book about healthy and unhealthy love styles found in couples and how to learn to love each other better). The book talks about "feeling and dealing" (learning to feel our feelings and deal with them, and teaching that to our children). It has a full page - a list of feelings with synonyms. You can look at the list and expand your emotional vocabulary. But a lot of those are a puzzle for me. So I guess I am looking for another complimentary guide to learn more about feelings... .

[vivekananda]

I did a bit of trying to improve my emotional vocab (not so successfully, I think it requires a bit of concentrated study   ) but I did find a cute picture that made some sense. Now I think there are many ways of considering emotions, so this is not the answer, just one perspective.

Plutnik's Wheel of Emotions

It's limit is obvious when you consider it doesn't account for 'shame'

cheers,

Viv   

[qcarolr]

check out this feelings list link. Each category expands to lots and lots of synonyms

www.feelingblocks.com/feelingvocabulary.html

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you guys,

both are interesting.

I'll have to explore the blocks a little more since I have a problem matching my feelings to the different words (don't know how to discern beyond the basic emotions).

The wheel looks awesome too. Matches my visual nature to the interrelations of the emotions - how one flows into another and how they escalate in intensity.

[lbjnltx]

Good resources posted here.

Try this:

"I feel _____"

"I need _____"

Poll: Are you in touch with your needs and wants?