I'm confused, has anyone experienced this?

[jaird]

Texting a lot with my ex and talking a little bit on the phone, broken up three months. She now tells me she is a different person, and she is "hard" now. She cannot detach completely from me, even though she broke it off. I know she is seeing someone else, but that is supposedly a very new and very casual relationship, nothing like what we had.

She seems unsure whether she wants to see me or not. She said I turn her into a crazy, jealous woman who is obsessed with me. I say that is only because we had a long distance relationship before, and that it would be totally different if we lived near each other and saw each other regularly. I have offered to move 1000 miles to be near her and try to have a "normal" relationship.

I am just not sure what she means by she is "hard" now, and "changed". Or why she cannot detach completely and says she will love me forever, and will never love another man as she has loved me, yet she is afraid to see each other again and start anew.

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

[4now]

Oh my gosh, such a good question. I can't wait to hear the replies. My uBPDh husband has said that he is "hard" now too, meaning nothing I do can hurt him.  Ironically, he started saying this after an episode of him leaving me and hurting me immensely.  I don't even remember what precipitated the leaving, but he left me but I was at fault.  This was before I knew about BPD, so this made no sense to me whatsoever.  Now it makes sense because I am sure when he left me and I didn't attempt to reach out and take him back, he felt rejected and abandoned!

The only thing I can say about this statement is watch out.  He has been saying this to me for a few years now and just when I think we are getting close, he pulls away.  I know, I know BPD. However, he will state this, I am hard now you can't hurt me when I question why he pulls away. (I used to do this, now I just know). I know he fears I will hurt him, ironic, even though I have never really done anything to reject or hurt him, except in the very beginning of our relationship when I felt things were going too quickly.  He had many good years after that with me and didn't display this behavior.

I wonder, did she say this before your breakup?  If not, I would guess she sees you as a source of immense hurt and pain and has drawn a mental boundary around you and will not let you back in again for fear she will be hurt. 

[jaird]

Oh my gosh, such a good question. I can't wait to hear the replies. My uBPDh husband has said that he is "hard" now too, meaning nothing I do can hurt him.  Ironically, he started saying this after an episode of him leaving me and hurting me immensely.  I don't even remember what precipitated the leaving, but he left me but I was at fault.  This was before I knew about BPD, so this made no sense to me whatsoever.  Now it makes sense because I am sure when he left me and I didn't attempt to reach out and take him back, he felt rejected and abandoned!

The only thing I can say about this statement is watch out.  He has been saying this to me for a few years now and just when I think we are getting close, he pulls away.  I know, I know BPD. However, he will state this, I am hard now you can't hurt me when I question why he pulls away. (I used to do this, now I just know). I know he fears I will hurt him, ironic, even though I have never really done anything to reject or hurt him, except in the very beginning of our relationship when I felt things were going too quickly.  He had many good years after that with me and didn't display this behavior.

I wonder, did she say this before your breakup?  If not, I would guess she sees you as a source of immense hurt and pain and has drawn a mental boundary around you and will not let you back in again for fear she will be hurt. 

Yes, I would like to hear other's answers too. But I can totally relate to what you said.

My situation was very similar. I don't understand it at all. Yes, we did hurt each other, but it was all verbal and I only engaged a few times after being harangued on the phone or in text. I tried to keep my cool, but her rants, twisted facts, baseless accusations, lies, and all the rest sometimes lead me from just defending myself to striking back by saying things that I knew would hurt her. But even all that was several months or more ago. She did far worse to me, and I found a way to try and forgive.

[jaird]

Oh my gosh, such a good question. I can't wait to hear the replies. My uBPDh husband has said that he is "hard" now too, meaning nothing I do can hurt him.  Ironically, he started saying this after an episode of him leaving me and hurting me immensely.  I don't even remember what precipitated the leaving, but he left me but I was at fault.  This was before I knew about BPD, so this made no sense to me whatsoever.  Now it makes sense because I am sure when he left me and I didn't attempt to reach out and take him back, he felt rejected and abandoned!

The only thing I can say about this statement is watch out.  He has been saying this to me for a few years now and just when I think we are getting close, he pulls away.  I know, I know BPD. However, he will state this, I am hard now you can't hurt me when I question why he pulls away. (I used to do this, now I just know). I know he fears I will hurt him, ironic, even though I have never really done anything to reject or hurt him, except in the very beginning of our relationship when I felt things were going too quickly.  He had many good years after that with me and didn't display this behavior.

I wonder, did she say this before your breakup?  If not, I would guess she sees you as a source of immense hurt and pain and has drawn a mental boundary around you and will not let you back in again for fear she will be hurt. 

Yes, that is what I think it is. She has put up an emotional wall around her, to keep me from "hurting" her. And yes, same as you, this was done after she broke up with me. The truth is, I have not said a nasty word to her in at least four months, and as I said, that was because I got sucked in to her tirades and tried to defend myself and eventually said nasty things to her.

I guess that is what she wanted, me to strike back so she could paint me black.

[hithere]

Since you are in the undecided forum I will give you the truth as I see it.

She is probably trying to see if this new guy is a good victim while keeping you warm on-the-side.

If she has BPD and you move 1000 miles to be with her, you will be in for a bad time.

[Broken Dreams]

I have offered to move 1000 miles to be near her and try to have a "normal" relationship.

I have a strong urge to scream out at you: DON'T DO IT! But I won't tell you not to do it, I'll just suggest that you think about this very carefully.

My relationship with my BPD boyfriend started off as long distance too, and I moved far away from my family and friends to live with him. When we'd meet up before I moved here, there were signs of what was to come, but I guess I chose not to see them (love is blind, and all that). He was verbally abusive at times, and would sometimes fly off the handle about apparently nothing. And guess what? He didn't stop doing that just because I moved closer to him - in fact he only got more abusive over the years.

Obviously it's your decision, but I just want to say that it is extremely hard to do this without the support of family and friends around you.

Good luck whatever you do, and take care of yourself.

[jaird]

Thank you hithere and Broken Dreams.

I am not doing it, not moving. I was under the impression that she was making progress because se asked me about two weeks ago for websites about BPD, and she started conversations about what she had read on those sites. Then we started texting again about ten days ago, and she seemed better, more calm.

But she disappeared for twenty hours over the weekend, the weekend before I was to buy a ticket to go down and see her. She offered no explanation for where she was, or why she couldn't answer the phone or text or email. We were supposed to talk Sunday night about me coming down, but obviously that did not work out when she went MIA from Saturday evening until late Sunday night.

Today we texted all day and she was horrendous again. Cruel and cutting. I guess there really is no progress. If there was, it did not last. Maybe it was my wishful thinking.

[artman.1]

All,

    First, please read the lessons and as many other books as you can, such that you come to an understanding of what BPD really is.  Feelings equal truth to a PWBPD, even if they must re-invent history to match their feelings.  They cope by using a few very powerful methods.  One is Projection.  Projection occurs when they feel shame and guilt for something they have done, or behaved.  They must claim you did that so they feel better about their shame.  Actually this is a childish method to cope.  PWBPDs have a need to be the Victim.  This removes the responsibility of their behaviors, and is why you are always at fault.  Another childish coping method.

    This all boils down to be INSANITY.

    My UBPDW accused me of cheating, on our 43rd wedding anniversery, as I was telling her how much I love her.  I realized that my statements caused her much pain and guilt because she has cheated in the long ago past.  I realized she was projecting that guilt and shame onto me.  I have never cheated, and she in my one and only.

    I hope this helps in some small way.

Art

[jaird]

Thanks Artman.

I think we have all read quite a bit. I know I have. More websites than books, but still at least 200 hours in the past three months.

But no matter how much I, or anyone else probably, reads, it is just astonishing and incomprehensible behavior, at least to me.

[Sammamish]

Jaird, sounds like a wise decision. I can relate to this as I made that move. Though in my case I moved to another country and ended up marrying my uBPDw. We were in a long distance relationship for years, so although there were red flags, I wasn't around long enough to piece it all together. Instead I focused on the fact that I couldn't live without her and it would all be fantastic if only we were together. Im now in another country far from family and friends and married to this woman. Only a couple of months into our marriage did I realise something was seriously wrong. My w and I have both been seeing therapists and I have been told that it could take a minimum of two years of intensive treatment after diagnosis to see any lasting improvement.

[benny2]

Hi Jared, as for trying for a  normal relationship, when you are dealing with BPD, you will never have a normal relationship. That is something  you need to really think about. I have been going through this for years and just when I think things are headed in a somewhat normal direction, he takes a turn. I also wonder if their fear of being hurt or abandoned has something to do with them pushing you away. Mine is pushing me away again just  after a few weeks ago telling me he wants to make this work. He has though been bringing up other men alot and seems to have a fear that I will find someone else. I am thinking maybe this fear is what is pushing him away again. Its so hard to  know. They have so many fears and never know what they really want. Its all just so crazy. Mine also was or maybe still is, involved with his ex while we were apart. I also think he may have lined me up for a spare. They do that. Its their way of insuring themselves they won't be alone.