The worst thing about a BPD Mother, for me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven’t introduced myself before , I am 27, daughter of a BPD mother, the hermit type. I found out six months ago and I am still dealing with it. I just had all these feelings and needed to express them “aloud” for first time in my life, I will do a proper introduction when I feel better. This a very long post, I know… (I am sorry about the mistakes; I am not English native speaker)

When I think about the worst thing about having a BPD mother, it has nothing to do with most people would imagine: the insults, the occasional hitting and breaking things, the guilt feeling, losing a day or a week of my life because she is in bad temper, so everything at home paralyses. She always had reasons for all that of course; I was so evil as a child –ironic, I was such a good girl, good marks, very tidy - I wish I hadn’t had to be so perfect.

Anyway, the worst thing is the consequences. The adult consequences. Particularly, the friends I wasn’t able to keep in touch because I felt some day they would reject me. The professional road I didn’t have the courage to take as I thought it would be to risky, even thought I’ve always had the best marks. But most, most of it, for not being able to be communicative, be myself, show the best of me, to the boy I felt in love with. I regret that every day of my life.

I know this may sound like…well, if he couldn’t see how I was maybe he wouldn’t deserve me. But I was so shy, so dumb, I got so nervous because everybody around was so self-confident, and I was over sensitive. I literally got out of words sometimes, it was ridiculous, embarrassing. And even tho, he had a crush on me. He told me “I really like you”. He really meant it. But we had some problems -which were no one’s fault-, and I couldn’t cope with them, I thought he didn’t like me. And I know now it was all in my mind, he liked me. I am sure, that if I had been more confident at that time, if I wouldn’t have stayed in my room crying, things would have been better.

It is weird to tell the story without all the details it contains, but the conclusion for me, in my life, and I am writing this 6 years later (I was 21, and I am now 27) is that I wish I could go back to those moments, and behave like the person I feel I should be, not scared. I’m so much closer to be that person now, after meeting amazing people that helped me see I was funny –I had never been told that before-, that my creativity wasn’t losing my time, that I looked good when I didn’t put effort in my look, that my tone of voice –which is very soft- was nice, not a symbol of weekness… All this negativity that was in my head.

The second step was knowing about BPD and understanding everything, it was such a relief. I found it on Internet when I was trying to “cure” myself from this “fear to everything that can go wrong”. And I understood about my mother. This forums are life saving, definitely life recovering, every word written here seems to me the most honest conversation I ever had with anybody.

Going back to my life mistakes, as I said, I also lost important friends because I always thought I didn’t really fit. I didn’t believe they loved me so much, I had this creepy voice in my head saying, they will reject you at some point because you are not good enough, you aren’t normal enough. And I actually remember them telling me, how important I was for them, but I couldn’t see it.

Also every friendship I had got a bit ruined because I was so anxious to be perfect on it, not do or say anything wrong. I still have some of this, but I am working on it.

It seems a bit selfish from me to say that my most important relationships got broken because of my Mum. And I try to analyse it objectively. Maybe if I hadn’t be so insecure and scared something would have been wrong too. I just hate the feeling I lost this people not for my own mistakes, not for them not liking me or because I did something wrong. I hate I lost this people in my life because I wasn’t able to be myself with them.

And now I am feeling better, my life is very good, good friends, good relationship…but I have this memories stuck in my head and from time to time…they still hurt me.

Thank you so much for reading, and thank you so much to all the people who writes their stories, it has helped me endlessly.

[January86]

I haven’t introduced myself before , I am 27, daughter of a BPD mother, the hermit type. I found out six months ago and I am still dealing with it. I just had all these feelings and needed to express them “aloud” for first time in my life, I will do a proper introduction when I feel better. This a very long post, I know… (I am sorry about the mistakes; I am not English native speaker)

When I think about the worst thing about having a BPD mother, it has nothing to do with most people would imagine: the insults, the occasional hitting and breaking things, the guilt feeling, losing a day or a week of my life because she is in bad temper, so everything at home paralyses. She always had reasons for all that of course; I was so evil as a child –ironic, I was such a good girl, good marks, very tidy - I wish I hadn’t had to be so perfect.

Anyway, the worst thing is the consequences. The adult consequences. Particularly, the friends I wasn’t able to keep in touch because I felt some day they would reject me. The professional road I didn’t have the courage to take as I thought it would be to risky, even thought I’ve always had the best marks. But most, most of it, for not being able to be communicative, be myself, show the best of me, to the boy I felt in love with. I regret that every day of my life.

I know this may sound like…well, if he couldn’t see how I was maybe he wouldn’t deserve me. But I was so shy, so dumb, I got so nervous because everybody around was so self-confident, and I was over sensitive. I literally got out of words sometimes, it was ridiculous, embarrassing. And even tho, he had a crush on me. He told me “I really like you”. He really meant it. But we had some problems -which were no one’s fault-, and I couldn’t cope with them, I thought he didn’t like me. And I know now it was all in my mind, he liked me. I am sure, that if I had been more confident at that time, if I wouldn’t have stayed in my room crying, things would have been better.

It is weird to tell the story without all the details it contains, but the conclusion for me, in my life, and I am writing this 6 years later (I was 21, and I am now 27) is that I wish I could go back to those moments, and behave like the person I feel I should be, not scared. I’m so much closer to be that person now, after meeting amazing people that helped me see I was funny –I had never been told that before-, that my creativity wasn’t losing my time, that I looked good when I didn’t put effort in my look, that my tone of voice –which is very soft- was nice, not a symbol of weekness… All this negativity that was in my head.

The second step was knowing about BPD and understanding everything, it was such a relief. I found it on Internet when I was trying to “cure” myself from this “fear to everything that can go wrong”. And I understood about my mother. This forums are life saving, definitely life recovering, every word written here seems to me the most honest conversation I ever had with anybody.

Going back to my life mistakes, as I said, I also lost important friends because I always thought I didn’t really fit. I didn’t believe they loved me so much, I had this creepy voice in my head saying, they will reject you at some point because you are not good enough, you aren’t normal enough. And I actually remember them telling me, how important I was for them, but I couldn’t see it.

Also every friendship I had got a bit ruined because I was so anxious to be perfect on it, not do or say anything wrong. I still have some of this, but I am working on it.

It seems a bit selfish from me to say that my most important relationships got broken because of my Mum. And I try to analyse it objectively. Maybe if I hadn’t be so insecure and scared something would have been wrong too. I just hate the feeling I lost this people not for my own mistakes, not for them not liking me or because I did something wrong. I hate I lost this people in my life because I wasn’t able to be myself with them.

And now I am feeling better, my life is very good, good friends, good relationship…but I have this memories stuck in my head and from time to time…they still hurt me.

Thank you so much for reading, and thank you so much to all the people who writes their stories, it has helped me endlessly.

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi January!  Welcome 

I have sturggled with keeping and maintaining friendships as a result of negative self-talk, my lack of social skills and never seeming to say the right thing, so I can definitely identify with you there.

One thing I've realized through therapy, reading and maturing is that those friends also contributed in some way to the demise of that friendship- and that some loss of closeness with some people over the years is normal for everyone. 

You are SO right- when you don't feel that you have the right to be yourself, your friendships do suffer.  But don't beat yourself up.  The reason you have not been yourself is because you have been through some life experiences that have told you it's dangerous to be yourself.  You've learned ways of protecting yourself that have probably worked in some relationships- that's okay!  The good news is you don't need to not be you anymore. 

I hope you find all the resources you need on this board and in your life.  Once again, welcome!

[GeekyGirl]

Hi January,

Welcome and thank you for introducing yourself!   I'm glad that you've already found help here.

What you've described--the self-doubt, the fear of rejection, and the fear are all things that many of us who grew up with a BPD parent have struggled with. It's painful sometimes to look back and imagine what *could have* been. I look back sometimes at things I did in the past (especially my early 20's) and think, "What was I thinking?"

What we can do, though, is look forward, learn from what we've been through, and come out stronger than we would have before learning about BPD. You've learned about BPD and taken an honest look at yourself, which is a brave thing to do. You said that you have some good friends and good relationships now, and it seems like you're in a good place; how have you moved past that fear of rejection to build those relationships? It sounds like you've done some very healthy things.

As for the memories, it's so hard to get past them--I know. What has helped me and may help you is to look at the Survivor's Guide (on the right of this page) and see how remembering and mourning can lead to healing. You can't always forget the past, but you can use that experience to grow and heal. It's not easy or quick, but worth the effort. 

Please keep posting--you'll find many others here who can relate to you.

-GG

[isshebpd]

What you've described--the self-doubt, the fear of rejection, and the fear are all things that many of us who grew up with a BPD parent have struggled with. It's painful sometimes to look back and imagine what *could have* been. I look back sometimes at things I did in the past (especially my early 20's) and think, "What was I thinking?"

Yep, I've been reflecting on that a lot too. All the holding back, self-sabotage, and other unnecessary defence mechanisms made my early-adulthood so much worse than it had to be. If only I had grasped the reality of my upbringing back then.  :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi January86! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying here, the consequences really do hurt. I also often think about how it doesn't really even hurt that much that my mother did all those mean things to me, but what really troubles me are the huge consequences her behavior has had on me. When you talk about the fear of rejection and not being able to be yourself fully, it's like reading my own life-story. In my late teens and early twenties I was also very much in love with someone but wasn't able to truly be me and give myself fully as a result of all the negative internal dialogue that was going on inside my head.

I also still struggle with accepting the past because I realize now that I really didn't have to feel the way I did. With the knowledge and skills I have now things could definitely have been very different but unfortunately we can't change the past. Growing up like this we've lost a lot of good things but the good news is that we only have to go through it once. I try to focus on the present because this is the only place where my actions can actually influence and change things. I do still think about the past a lot and struggle with acceptance, but I try to use the past by learning from it so things can be better now. For instance, I've analyzed past interactions with my mother, looked at my own responses and how her behavior affected me, and tried to develop better responses and coping skills. I may have lost the past, but I'm not gonna lose the present too!

I’m very happy for you that spiritually you’re in a much better place now with good friends and a good relationship. Take care and continue your journey of healing!

[January86]

Hi again to everybody! Thank you for the replies  . After writing all that I felt so embarrased, it was such a "melancholic" post! I wrote when I was feeling a bit down... .  But your replies made me feel better, it seems I am not that crazy heh.

Geekygirl, you asked how I have moved on, and I would say travelling was a huge thing. My mother's obsession of me being a good student had a positive side as I studied languages so I went to several language exchanges and stayed in other's families home. Being inside of healthy families gave me an idea that something was wrong in mine.

Also, when I am abroad I have this feeling like my mother is not watching me, and I feel free. When I lived a year abroad I started being more talkative and "risking" a bit. The fact that this had only good effects, was so surprising for me, and I continued doing it, step by step.

I am also very inspired by this kind of people who is so positive and that next to them everything is good vibrations, this kind that aren’t judgemental and when they speak they truly mean what they say. I had the good luck to meet some people like this, and I thought, I want to be like that!  As I am still building my own personality, I feel I can choose how I want to be. When some friend of mine says something related to me being the positive person of my group of friends, or the smily one, I am so pleased that they see me like that! That’s the best reward I can have.

I wanted to point out too something that some people may feel identified with. My city is very small, is like a town, and most people judges a lot. Most young people is obsessed (in my opinion of course) with their look, their car, their friends being cool… So in this social context it would have been difficult for me to see that my Mum’s behavior was unhealthy without traveling, because sometimes the context made her be right, even though she could be wrong.

An example, she critised a lot if I went out of our flat with my hair not done perfectly, even to buy bread to the shop nearby, to the point I actually washed my hair and iron it just for going out 5 minutes. But at the same time, maybe later I was with some friends and I heard something like, look that girl with that terrible hair… So from that point of view, my Mum was right. Thanks so much for the travelling, and to the cheap flights companies heh!