Text From Mom last night... need help with response please

[donniesgrrl]

My Daughter had her 4th Birthday In January, we invited my uBPD mom and she and my step dad came.  2 and a half hours late but they came.  They did not bring DD a present, rather they brought her a card that said "your Mommy said she would bring you to our house so you could get your present".  The Present is a cake pop maker and so she can make Cake pops with my mom, which was something she was supposed to do the weekend of the incident that caused my Break through crisis see link for back story https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195214.0. 

It has been about a month since her Birthday, and after my latest contact with her about 2 weeks ago, when I basically said I will not be having the conversation you want to have, but if you want to start fresh and say the past is the past and move forward I am willing and wanting to do that (she wants to have a sit down discussion about the allegations and accusations I have made, her words not mine).  Mind you, we have tried to have discussions and all they do is go in circles about everything, and she denies or tells me my memories aren't correct or she tries to find someway to manipulate the conversation so that she can dump her feelings on me and feel better. 

I have not heard anything from her since I told her that I am moving forward in a new and healthy way, and if you would like to join me on that path you are more than welcome, left the ball in her court and was very respectful in tone and context of the message.  Last night I get a text that says "it has been a month since DD's party, what should we do with her present?"  I have not responded yet.  I will not go out there by myself and my Husband works every other weekend and I work full time.  I feel in many ways it is a trap to get us there on her turf and under her terms so they can drag us into a conversation that is not going to happen.  However, I also have hope that because the kids are there she would be civil.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't want to be the one who didn't try in this situation but my alarms are sounding and I have found they are usually right. 

Tips, thoughts, advice, response ideas... .  really anything would be helpful.

My Husband is very protective of me right now because of how fragile I still am in regards to her/them and doesn't want to go for fear of what it will do to me, but he is also leaving the decision to me and will go along with what I decide.

[GeekyGirl]

There are a few things that have worked for us (I have a 3 year old son) that might help you. DH and I (as gently as we could) have asked both sets of grandparents to respect our gift-giving guidelines. We've asked them to keep the gifts under a certain dollar limit and respect that we may determine whether or not they're appropriate for DS before we give them to him. So far, both sets of grandparents, including my BPD mother, have respected those boundaries.

As for what to do with your daughter's present, what would you like your mother to do with it? Are you ok with your daughter making cake pops with her, would you rather have the cake pop maker for your house, or would you prefer that your mother return it altogether? Could you use SET to ask your mother to send it to you so you don't have to pick it up? How you respond really depends on what you feel is best for you and your DD.

[donniesgrrl]

I would like there to be a relationship with the kids in a protected manner of course, we have set a strict boundary of no unsupervised visits which my mom and Step dad they do not like it and have basically told me I am spiteful to do that but we feel that it is not in the kids best interest.  I would not be opposed to going there with my Husband and Son in tow, but I know I will have to set strict boundaries of time, which she of course never respects and I guess my concern is that when we say we would be happy to come out there on such and such date until such and such time because we do have other things we need to do as a family etc.  she will not respect those boundaries and it will cause a situation.

In the past and for most every event including my wedding (she was 45 minutes late and would not allow my Step dad to go without her because she knew we had to start and we could if he was there, with or without her) my mom has the philosophy of I will not be rushed, I will do it when I damn well please and when I am damn well ready.  It has been hard for me to come up against that boundary without there being an issue.  I fear this would be another case, however, it may also be a good test for me to say we need to leave by 130.  and when it gets to be about 15 minutes out make the reminder and then follow through, it will also show her that when I say something now I mean it and I will not back down anymore because it is what SHE wants.

Sorry that was a lot longer than intended.

[GeekyGirl]

I would not be opposed to going there with my Husband and Son in tow, but I know I will have to set strict boundaries of time, which she of course never respects and I guess my concern is that when we say we would be happy to come out there on such and such date until such and such time because we do have other things we need to do as a family etc.  she will not respect those boundaries and it will cause a situation.

I hear ya... .  sometimes just saying, "we have things we need to do," won't get the reaction you're hoping for. What has helped me in the past was saying up front, "We're free from 10-12 on Saturday, but that's the only time that we're available to meet up. When and where during that time frame works best for you?" Have you tried a specific boundary like that?

[donniesgrrl]

Other than the boundary we have set with the kids and no unsupervised visits and not having the conversation she says she NEEDS to have to move on, I have not really set any other boundaries.  We have been limited contact since this all happened.

This might be a good time to Test out my ability to set an appropriate boundary so I can see what happens and have it be in a situation where it allows me to take control, as opposed to me always budging and saying "no it's OK, we can leave a little later", I will have my Husband with me which will help to defuse any issues, if I am unable to do what needs to be done in order to contain the time frame.  He always says to me "if need be, I will be the btch" meaning he will put his foot down, granted he is respectful 99% of the time but he would rather be the one to take the brunt of her outburst than have me deal with the fallout and the anxiety and physical reactions it usually causes me.

Thank you for helping me sort this out, I think I will discuss with the H when I get home but then respond with a "we are free on March 2nd from 1030 to 1pm,we would be happy to come out there after DD's dance class."

[Rose1]

I had a lot of that type of stuff with BPDmil and enmeshed fil too - reality is it never really got better. I learned that if they wanted the "conversation" they moved heaven and earth to have it. My only choice at times was to have a neutral third party present or to leave. Then they would run me down in front of the kids. Don't think that they won't have their say to your kids if you aren't present - your supervised visitation idea is great if you can stomach it. I didn't do that initially and the kids always came home with some sort of incident or being stuffed full of things they were allergic to or red cordial type of stuff just before being sent home. Presents were always things they couldn't eat.

I assume the plan was that I would have tantrums here when the kids came home when they couldn't have the stuff. In reality my kids were pretty good about food. At one time youngest was on epilepsy meds that made her react poorly to chocolate. Guess what always came home for her? I used to walk straight to the bin and bin it. D was never bothered by it as she didn't like the way chocolate made her feel. 

Oldest D reacts to salicylates in food -maybe because of being stuffed full of straight juice when she was a baby and susceptible - who knows? She was once fed 1/2 pound of prunes because they "were good for her." Poor kid had explosive diarrhea for days. Supervised visitation would have been a very good thing - they would have reacted badly but in the long run the kids well being is more important. I don't understand what happened really - how someone could do that to a kid, even if they are nuts. It's malicious. Basically if I asked for something not to happen, they would make sure it did at some stage. ExBPDh has turned out the same way.

As they got older, the kids were treated more like I was - put downs, you are just like your mother etc. Big surprise when the girls restricted their relationship in their late teens. EXBPDH was useless at protecting anyone - me included - he saw the whole thing as "they mean well". They actually didn't.

[Clearmind]

donniesgrrl, I can understand you feeling obligated.

Boundaries are important and it’s wonderful you and DH are on the page. Awesome stuff.

Sometimes what helps me, is knowing what tools I have to protect myself in certain situations – I no longer feel fearful. If I am at my fathers and things get out of hand – I know I can leave at any time.

Its possible the purpose for you visiting your mom’s is to pick up the gift, exchange a few niceties and get on with your day, drama free

Your mom’s expectations in you visiting are different to yours. This is where conflict can arise.

If you do decide to go - Are you able to talk on the phone with your mother before you go – indicating the time you will arrive, how nice it would be to pick up DD’s gift, that you can stay for a cup of tea however you need to leave by x o’clock. I find that pre-warning – setting the scene for the visit helps with managing disappointment.

This still may not go down as planned – for you – however you have the option of leaving at any time. Listen to your belly and if it escalates leave.

Then…you can always ask she send it to you. Choice is yours.