Dealing with FOO issues

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Through my breakup with ex-fiancé, I realized that I was used to the rollercoaster due to my FOO. I've been working hard on boundaries with my family. Yesterday my mother wanted me to help her with something. I already had plans and when I offered to do her project today she started the silent treatment. All the feelings of dealing with BPDex's moods rolled back. We were at a store so on the drive back to take her to her car I apologized for upsetting her. She didn't speak. Haven't heard from her... .  normally by now I would be a mess of guilt for upsetting her which is how I constantly felt my ex. Well yesterday I went on with my day and had a lot of fun with my friend. Today I'm just going to go about my plans and wait for her to call me.

Anyone else realize how similar their ex was on different points to someone in their FOO?  My T told me I stayed with mine as long as I did because he felt so familiar to me.

[beachgirl009]

Through my breakup with ex-fiancé, I realized that I was used to the rollercoaster due to my FOO. I've been working hard on boundaries with my family. Yesterday my mother wanted me to help her with something. I already had plans and when I offered to do her project today she started the silent treatment. All the feelings of dealing with BPDex's moods rolled back. We were at a store so on the drive back to take her to her car I apologized for upsetting her. She didn't speak. Haven't heard from her... .  normally by now I would be a mess of guilt for upsetting her which is how I constantly felt my ex. Well yesterday I went on with my day and had a lot of fun with my friend. Today I'm just going to go about my plans and wait for her to call me.

Anyone else realize how similar their ex was on different points to someone in their FOO?  My T told me I stayed with mine as long as I did because he felt so familiar to me.

[Surnia]

Oh, yes, beachgirl. Same for me! 

Only difference, it is not so much about silent treatment. Its about no boundaries.

Only with my ex and the shattered marriage and T I could realize how unhealthy patterns I had from my FOO! 

Well yesterday I went on with my day

I had those moments too recently, little so important steps! Love it. 

[FindingMe2011]

Through my breakup with ex-fiancé, I realized that I was used to the rollercoaster due to my FOO. I've been working hard on boundaries with my family. Yesterday my mother wanted me to help her with something. I already had plans and when I offered to do her project today she started the silent treatment. All the feelings of dealing with BPDex's moods rolled back. We were at a store so on the drive back to take her to her car I apologized for upsetting her. She didn't speak. Haven't heard from her.  normally by now I would be a mess of guilt for upsetting her which is how I constantly felt my ex. Well yesterday I went on with my day and had a lot of fun with my friend. Today I'm just going to go about my plans and wait for her to call me.

Anyone else realize how similar their ex was on different points to someone in their FOO?  My T told me I stayed with mine as long as I did because he felt so familiar to me.

   This was also my  experience when I was able to turn the majority of my focus, towards myself. Interactions with my mom(strong NPD traits), showed me where the feelings of guilt, shame, came from, and how my self esteem, could end up in the rabbit hole. It took some time, to figure out how I saw my mother, in my ex. Although the paths weren't exactly the same, the end result of how I felt, was a carbon copy. I didnt like them, nor understood them, but I knew how to survive in them. To have this come from a person, whom continuously needed to be saved, was the perfect, decade long storm, and always had me , for the most part.  These days, I see the dynamics working way before they get into full swing, and quickly put them in their correct place. I now, at times, show my mother her behavior. She even apologizes sometimes .  The ex, well, she doesnt like for one to show her, her behavior, and the order to the disorder continues, her choice, and another reason I stay NC/super LC  .  I wish you well,.  PEACE

[OTH]

Controlling Codependent mother. Bipolar sister (I've twice had to help hospitalize her). Possible BPD father I have been NC with for 20 years. My sister is doing pretty well lately. It is always a shaky balance. Our relationship is pretty good though. My mother is a major problem. They live together and I am supposed to be the fall back when anything goes wrong. This is just assumed. I asked my mother for a favor when I moved back to the same part of the country. She agreed to do it and then proceeded to ignore what I had asked and did what she thought was best for me. LOL. This brought back a whole lot of old feelings. We had been doing well with long distance. Mom raised me to be a more artistic artsy guy. I was more a jock type. I wound up rebeling and becoming an engineer. . Still a disappointment to her. I was raised with the nothing is ever good enough philosophy.

Not much of a wonder how I fell head over heals in a BPD relationship. 

[beachgirl009]

Small break through... .  yes it totally bothered me my mom was acting like she was, but I didn't cave in.  I waited and late yesterday afternoon she called an apologized.  I found it funny because she said she had been sick to her stomach that we were fighting and that she knew I must be feeling the same way and she couldn't believe I hadn't called her to make up.  I told her that I thought she threw an unreasonable fit at the store and that yes I was upset briefly but I went on with my day and had fun with my friend and that I had focused yesterday on exercising and organizing my garage.  She was shocked and even said she was.  I told her that was how it was going to go from now on.  **Starting to get my strength back!**

[livednlearned]

Through my breakup with ex-fiancé, I realized that I was used to the rollercoaster due to my FOO. I've been working hard on boundaries with my family. Yesterday my mother wanted me to help her with something. I already had plans and when I offered to do her project today she started the silent treatment. All the feelings of dealing with BPDex's moods rolled back. We were at a store so on the drive back to take her to her car I apologized for upsetting her. She didn't speak. Haven't heard from her... .  normally by now I would be a mess of guilt for upsetting her which is how I constantly felt my ex. Well yesterday I went on with my day and had a lot of fun with my friend. Today I'm just going to go about my plans and wait for her to call me.

Anyone else realize how similar their ex was on different points to someone in their FOO?  My T told me I stayed with mine as long as I did because he felt so familiar to me.

Recognizing that my dad and N/BPDx were so similar (altho my dad is more N traits than NPD) was one of the biggest epiphanies I had in the past few years. It's really what kick-started my healing, recognizing that the root of the problem ran all the way back to my FOO.

It's wonderful that you are not mired in guilt for upsetting your mother. It's hard to change those patterns. I'm in a similar situation with my father right now. He's mad about something -- the men in my family tend to spend the better part of a year in grudge fests (silent treatment) over something or another. Usually the women apologize just to make peace and try to resume some semblance of closeness. I decided to live my life and not wring my hands about how my dad is dealing with me, and it's been so freeing. I think it's actually had a big impact on my ability to start a new r/s with someone. Now that I know what it feels like to let others be responsible for their own feelings, especially someone like my dad, I have a new emotion/behavior pattern in my repertoire.

Healing is good  

[beachgirl009]

   I didnt like them, nor understood them, but I knew how to survive in them. To have this come from a person, whom continuously needed to be saved, was the perfect, decade long storm, and always had me , for the most part

I couldn't sum this up any better myself!  It is crazy looking back now!

[ambi]

Yes.  My father alternated between rages and the silent treatment.  When I was 18, I decided not to participate in my varsity sport any more.  I was working full time and I was tired of juggling my schedule.  My father didn't speak to me for 3 months after that.  The wall of silence, you know - you say, "Hi, Dad." and he pretends you don't exist.  

The first time BPDH met my parents, he said, "Boy, they sure have NO interest in you or your life, do they!"  And, they privately told me, "He's a control freak."  They recognized each other way before I did.  LOL

And, if I begged and pleaded and was a good girl and did everything they told me to do - both he and my father would once again start speaking to me again and say they loved me.  Yep.  Old home week, it was.  

Ironic moment:  My father will not allow anyone to mention BPDH's name in his household or presence.  It's forbidden.  We are to pretend he doesn't exist and be silent about him.  It's okay - BPDH refuses to acknowledge my family, either. It's kind of funny to look at sometimes.  

[seeking balance]

Anyone else realize how similar their ex was on different points to someone in their FOO?  My T told me I stayed with mine as long as I did because he felt so familiar to me.

3 months into our MC, ex and I were in MC and taking a month of suggested separation.  I go across country to visit my parents who know the severe stress I am under - and literally within 48 hours my mother is raging at me for being disrespectful and rude - merely because I said I wanted to spend some quiet time to myself.

I go and call my T - my first words when she calls back, "I married my mother".

Yeah - FOO, fun times.

My ex's family was NPD mother and alcoholic father, made mine seem much more normal - I thought I met the perfect person for me as we both left our crazy families 3,000 miles away... .  yeah, fun times all around.

[livednlearned]

And, if I begged and pleaded and was a good girl and did everything they told me to do - both he and my father would once again start speaking to me again and say they loved me.  

This = me 

I would add: if I apologized for xyz without knowing what xyz was, that also earned me the big love. My brother stopped talking to me during the week my grandmother died, and refused to come to my parents house if I was there. He wouldn't go to the hospital if I was there. He wouldn't talk to people who agreed to talk to me. My dad got mad at me. 

So what did I do?

I apologized.

For what?

No idea.

When I think back to the things I apologized for in my r/s with N/BPDx, half the time I had no idea what he was fuming about.

FOO!

[myself]

My dad, when around, was controlling, distant, abusive. My mom, when around, was cold, distant, critical. Finding someone who was none of that (idealization/honeymoon phase viewpoint) was wonderful! I thought I'd found someone to make another kind of life with. To be close with. Finding out she was all of those hurtful things and more, despite the occasional flashes of real sharing and love, was heartbreaking yet familiar. It kept me in longer than I should have stayed, that familiarity. For a long time it seemed like 'This is how it is and always will be'.

Being an adult, I have more choices now than when I was a child. Each day learning to make better ones for myself, getting them in motion, and following through.

My parents, my ex--- They all lost out on knowing someone pretty interesting. ME.

[beachgirl009]

My parents, my ex--- They all lost out on knowing someone pretty interesting. ME.

We need a "like" button like FB!   

[ambi]

I have a quiz/exercise thing related to this.  Is it okay to post it here?

[gina louise]

Hey myself... .  are you my long lost sibling?

My dad was an Engineer, very rational and cerebral. Didn't express or encourage feelings; unless during a project he dropped a board on his thumb! he was abusive and scary. But more fun when drinking. He loosened up, then.

His idea of a family weekend was to take off and go fishing... .  alone.

I can remember him not talking to me for weeks at a time, yet I didn't DO anything wrong.

My Mom was a teacher, also very intellectual and cerebral. Didn't encourage feelings. Her idea of taking care of kids was to lie on the sofa glued to the TV, and yell at us to KEEP IT DOWN.

In fact my sister and I were TOLD how to feel, in addition to how to behave. Squashed from the outset.

Mom could spend hours on the phone while a friend poured out her misery over a cheating husband but if I had a personal problem my Mom was completely unable to relate to me. Like I was a stranger, walking in from next door, uninvited.

I read about "becoming a woman" in a book. Strangely, Mom used to teach "hygiene classes" back in the day.


I read Dibs, in Search of Self in high school and I could relate, ya know?

I had a weird family that I couldn't ever take friends home to. And I married the Combo Meal... .  a bit of both. Just for fun and old time's sake.

That kind of life leaves one stunted in some ways... .  and overgrown in others.

I feel very UN socialized sometimes, raised by intellectual wolves or something... .  



GL

[Gladto be away]

My father was supposedly a rapid cycling bi polar maniac depressive, alcoholic, and supposed child molester. He would get drunk and beat the ~ out of my mom and rarely hit me. Boy his tongue and lips worked well though. He would verbally abuse the hell out of us kids.

My mother, well I don't know what's wrong with her other than she has issues. Nothing I did could please her. She beat the heck out of me on a regular basis as a kid emotionally, verbally and physically. To this day I don't understand how she NEVER got in trouble. She was emotionally unstable and her moods flickered more than lights do ina thunder storm. She often ignored me unless she needed another drink, or the dishes washed. Often she said little to me other than to tell me how awful I was. Her favorite was "You're less the the dog $h!t under my shoe." Extremely manipulative and controlling.

My step mom oy she has major issues herself.

My step dad was verbally abusive for year under the guise of "just playing". He didn't know or chose not to see the abuse my mother put me through after she married him. Instead he chose to listen to her and believe I was a bad child. I was close with him for a bit, his hunting and fishing buddy. It was a great escape for me.

I didn't have any stability in my childhood. Very rarely affection

I thought all that therapy paid for helped me. Nope instead I walked right into it again.

I went NC with me mother for 15 years. Then allowed her back into my life. I even moved to where she was on lies and broken promises.

My choices in life haven't been the greatest. I've often chose the wrong man, and now sitting back over the past few months I noticed that several of my ex's were all controlling, manipulative, or abusive. Maybe a combination of all three like the ex NPD/BPD.

What's weird is I still have that little girl inside that so desires for the stability and love I never got, and in my twisted way I tried to find it. I feel like I wasted my life and am not what I could have been. Also though I encourage others to do great stuff with their lives I still have that awful residual feeling of I'm not good enough.

[sotiredtoonice]

This is an interesting thread. It really does make some sense when you think about your FOO. For me it plays into my lack of boundaries. I never really thought about how much my family walked all over me for years. After I got with my uBPDH I basically cut them off. (I only see them when it pertains to my son). Example of lack of boundaries, I used to rent a trailer from my mother. She would come to my house, walk right in, no knock, no nothing. I only locked my doors when I was home, just to keep her from barging in on me. Never once did I tell her it was unacceptable. The screaming that my H does really upsets me and if I really think back, when my dad would get really mad he would yell at us, like maybe just the word "stop" or "be quiet" or something, but thinking back, it would really upset me, just the loudness of it I guess. Of course I was never good enough for them, constantly compared to my twin sister who was the perfect daughter. I was never emotionally close to my parents, or my sister for that matter. Today, I am 32 years old and no one in my family calls me, no one in my family has ever set foot in my house that I have owned for nearly 6 years. I really am the black sheep, and I couldn't care less, but it does explain why I tend to overlook so many things that should not be let go. I have been doing it my whole life! 

[catsprt]

For many years I focused on the blatant abuse and figured that I was better off as I was not assaulted. It took me about a decade to realize that there was probably something wrong about the marital situation. Another decade later I can trace all elements back to my FOO. The more the couple situation degraded, the more it became obvious that they were a numerous similarities.

Years ago, my youngest child reacted very strangely. At the time, I was very surprise as her behavior was clearly inappropriate. Ten years later, I realize that I react the same way in a number of situations. Could there be more to thoughts or patterns?

[daze]

A resounding yes, the relationship with my uBPDh causes the same frustration and confusion as my relationship with my mother, who is undiagnosed as far as I know with strong narcissistic traits and perhaps some BPD traits as well.  She has seen three or four therapists over the years and I suspect strongly that at least one knows she is narcissistic because he alluded to it using other words.

It's been a recurring theme in my therapy for some time now.  In fact, I read an email to my T that my mom sent a couple of weeks ago. He said what she wrote was highly inappropriate and that she is clearly unbalanced. She is religious and she referred to her spirituality in the email.  T said if I responded at all, the best thing to do was encourage her in her spirituality.

My father, who raised me and my sister after my mother bailed, has issues as well but is a kind person who did the best he could with us.

Anyway, I suspect most of us have FOO issues - lack of boundaries, pd traits, fleas, etc. - otherwise we would not involve ourselves in such dysfunctional relationships.

Daze

[doubleAries]

Well, let's see--my mom is a Sadistic Personality Disorder with Borderline features. My stepdad was the ultimate fisherman husband--if the witch told him to beat the kids for her because her arm was tired, he didn't even ask why, lest HE get in trouble. Then every other weekend, I'd go for visitation with my father (diagnosed with PTSD from war, and NPD) where he would drunkenly fondle and grope me, then take me to Red Lobster and the amusement park. My younger brother--diagnosed Anti-Social Personality Disorder--would stab butcher knives into my pillow and crap on my books in my room. If I said anything about it I got in trouble.

Of course this couldn't possibly have anything at all to do with spending the last 18 years married to a guy diagnosed with bipolar 1 mixed with psychotic features and ASPD and NPD. Right? Totally unrelated, right? RIGHT?

We learn survival skills, coping skills, growing up in these dysfunctional settings (no matter the level of severity). Then grow up and head out into the world to look for situations and people to use the only skills we know on. And then become incredibly surprised to find ourselves in (GASP!) a dysfunctional setting! OMG! How did this happen?