Vivid dreams lead to missing her and a desire to contact

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It was a weird night.  I kept waking up and falling back to sleep.  That's usually what causes very vivid dreams (lucid perhaps?).

There was some sort of peace in the dream, like everything was made right and I woke up missing her.  Yeah, I know, just a dream.  Subconscious expulsions and chaotic firing of neurons... .  

She has been sending me these occasional texts once every month or so.  They are all impersonal, like a web link or a book reading suggestion, but always relating to a topic she knows I care about.  Nothing has been expressed about the relationship or us or me or ... .  you know what I mean?

It's like they are feeler texts.  It's been 3 weeks since I got one and haven't responded. We've been apart since summer 2012.

So, then I start wondering if I jumped too hastily on breaking up with her.  For instance, towards the end of our relationship, if she'd tell me she'd come over at a certain time and hours would go by with no communication, I'd block her number and angrily gather all her things, ready to break up in an instant anytime I felt she was standing me up or, in my mind, being sneaky.  Maybe that was BPD-like of me, maybe I was too hard on her.  For me I think my trust had eroded and any little sign of abandonment or dishonesty would just make me put my foot down immediately.

Maybe I was too controlling.  I didn't like her going out without me because I felt excluded and, again, didn't trust her.

But as we turn to look at our own issues, maybe my distrust was over the top.  I went on the "where there's smoke, there's fire" policy and thought I was saving my dignity by ending it.

When she told me she had cheated on her ex many many times (about a month before break up) I judged her for that, even though she stated she was unhappy about it.  I began to think anytime her presence was unaccounted for, she was pursuing someone else.

And maybe that was paranoia or over the top fear of abandonment on my part.  Or maybe it was legitimate.  She implied that she wanted to change, but it tarnished her reputation for me.

So, anyway, now I wonder if these texts she sends me are because she still loves me or if it's just sort of a game to see if I still care about her.  I see it as either she's not getting what she wants from some other guy at the moment or she actually misses me/loves me/hopes that I will engage in conversation with her.  But I really don't know what she's doing.  She could be crying everyday for all I know or she could be f--king a different guy every night. 

So are her texts a game?  Or someone who is ashamed and doesn't quite now how to say what she really means?  Should I keep NC or occasionally respond with a quick reply?

Was it just two no-so-emotionally-mature people who could work together with some personal growth and effort?  Or did the relationship fail because of a pervasive dysfunction that is hopeless for years to come?

[struggli]

It was a weird night.  I kept waking up and falling back to sleep.  That's usually what causes very vivid dreams (lucid perhaps?).

There was some sort of peace in the dream, like everything was made right and I woke up missing her.  Yeah, I know, just a dream.  Subconscious expulsions and chaotic firing of neurons... .  

She has been sending me these occasional texts once every month or so.  They are all impersonal, like a web link or a book reading suggestion, but always relating to a topic she knows I care about.  Nothing has been expressed about the relationship or us or me or ... .  you know what I mean?

It's like they are feeler texts.  It's been 3 weeks since I got one and haven't responded. We've been apart since summer 2012.

So, then I start wondering if I jumped too hastily on breaking up with her.  For instance, towards the end of our relationship, if she'd tell me she'd come over at a certain time and hours would go by with no communication, I'd block her number and angrily gather all her things, ready to break up in an instant anytime I felt she was standing me up or, in my mind, being sneaky.  Maybe that was BPD-like of me, maybe I was too hard on her.  For me I think my trust had eroded and any little sign of abandonment or dishonesty would just make me put my foot down immediately.

Maybe I was too controlling.  I didn't like her going out without me because I felt excluded and, again, didn't trust her.

But as we turn to look at our own issues, maybe my distrust was over the top.  I went on the "where there's smoke, there's fire" policy and thought I was saving my dignity by ending it.

When she told me she had cheated on her ex many many times (about a month before break up) I judged her for that, even though she stated she was unhappy about it.  I began to think anytime her presence was unaccounted for, she was pursuing someone else.

And maybe that was paranoia or over the top fear of abandonment on my part.  Or maybe it was legitimate.  She implied that she wanted to change, but it tarnished her reputation for me.

So, anyway, now I wonder if these texts she sends me are because she still loves me or if it's just sort of a game to see if I still care about her.  I see it as either she's not getting what she wants from some other guy at the moment or she actually misses me/loves me/hopes that I will engage in conversation with her.  But I really don't know what she's doing.  She could be crying everyday for all I know or she could be f--king a different guy every night. 

So are her texts a game?  Or someone who is ashamed and doesn't quite now how to say what she really means?  Should I keep NC or occasionally respond with a quick reply?

Was it just two no-so-emotionally-mature people who could work together with some personal growth and effort?  Or did the relationship fail because of a pervasive dysfunction that is hopeless for years to come?

[almostmarried]

Let´s forget HER for a moment... .  what she does,how she  feels,what she wants.

Now... .  What do YOU want? Do you still want to give all your power and your thoughts and your heart away... .  into all this uncertainty?

[struggli]

Let´s forget HER for a moment... .  what she does,how she  feels,what she wants.

Now... .  What do YOU want? Do you still want to give all your power and your thoughts and your heart away... .  into all this uncertainty?

Maybe I want to hope she has "seen the light" or that I have erased jealousy from myself.

I still am in love with her after all these months.

[almostmarried]

I hoped for 27 years that M. would see any kind of "light".

Now she more than ever lives in her narcistic darkness,without any regrets about her son,who left her because he couldnt see her anymore,and 2 divorces.

[struggli]

That sounds difficult.  And that's a very long time.  I take it the relationship wasn't all bad for that long?

[rogerroger]

Maybe I want to hope she has "seen the light"... .  

I have gone down that road so many times. One reason may be that the behaviors characteristic of BPD are so alien to us that we have trouble accepting that stem from a persistent disposition. That is, they WILL reoccur again and again. Even if she accepts that she has BPD and that this leads he to behave badly, that isn't enough. She can't change without a lot of really hard work under professional supervision.

The world is full of people who smoke even though they know it is bad for them. Having knowledge ("seeing the light" isn't enough for the vast majority of them to quit. Nor does knowledge cure any personality disorder.

[struggli]

Maybe I want to hope she has "seen the light"... .  

I have gone down that road so many times. One reason may be that the behaviors characteristic of BPD are so alien to us that we have trouble accepting that stem from a persistent disposition. That is, they WILL reoccur again and again. Even if she accepts that she has BPD and that this leads he to behave badly, that isn't enough. She can't change without a lot of really hard work under professional supervision.

The world is full of people who smoke even though they know it is bad for them. Having knowledge ("seeing the light" isn't enough for the vast majority of them to quit. Nor does knowledge cure any personality disorder.

But there's the whole "What if I was wrong?  What if I pushed her away?" factor.

Ultimately, the breaking point for me was her becoming distant -- not communicating much anymore and going out to bars without me.  I told her I wanted to be with her one on one and she wanted to go out instead.  Maybe I should've just allowed her to be young or whatever.  Maybe I was too controlling.  Maybe when she texts me I should accept the "light contact" as that she cares about me.  Maybe I should be extending my hand instead of ignoring her.  Am I self-gaslighting or was I too hard on her.  That's what I don't know.  I was jealous of all the attention she got all the time and that she didn't seem to be satisfied with just my company.  Maybe she felt smothered and I should've backed off.

Of course there is a much longer back story.

[JonnyJon42]

Just want to say 1st off i feel alot like you and relate to alot to whats going on with you.

For me anyone women who says she has cheated loses trust and respect in my book. If someone did it once it shows they are more then capable of doing it again. I would have a very very hard time  trusting a g/f that a mites to it even if they feel bad for it.

Your not the crazy one that happen to me so so many times in the 10 years ive been with mine. After a break up ( which has been like 5) i always sooner or later look back and think "wow maybe im the crazy one" but we act the way we do ( jealous, mistrusting etc ) because of the red flags we act like are not there while dating them. I have zero trust in mine she has cheated on me with sex and emotional relationships and as far as i know cheated on every man that tried to help her and be with her. When she ends a relationship she starts another one ASAP cause of her crippling fear of being alone.

I get the dreams too and it make its very hard to move on when it happens to me i lose a day for the most part. As time goes on it gets easier and they wont stop you in your tracks as hard.

I had the same issues at some point or another a switch would flip and i would feel the need to watch her like a hawk and if anything felt out of place i would be quick to try to end it but never would stick to it at the end cause after talking to her i would calm down and feel like a fool. Just remember if you feel this way something is happening to make you feel this way may it be a change in how she is acting or things just changing in the relationship ( mirroring another was a big one for mine would think and act one way for months then BAM im now a hippy ).

All i can say is weather the storm if you know your not happy in the relationship ( or in my case dont like the man you become in the relationship) then dont be so quick to jump back into it. In my case i feel like im done with women cause all ive dated was crazys and im loseing faith sane women are out there .