Auspicious says it here:
Nobody at bpdfamily.com advocates "tolerating abuse", and none of the tools we teach involve "tolerating abuse". That's a common misconception, but it is a misconception.
I dont have any numbers/statistics either... . but its like a lot of things - even one instance is too many (imo). I have never seen an instance here where it was encouraged at all to put up with abuse. Just the opposite, and have coached many posts in safety planning, disengaging, etc etc.
On the other side of this coin are the behaviors of ourselves. It was my experience that by learning. Adapting. Gaining some skills and tools and a different approach to the relationship, that this DID change the dynamics. Part of this was not allowing or tolerating abusive actions towards me (I can not believe that I allowed certain things... . to this day). But its more than just ending abuse - changing the way that I engaged with the relationship changed the dynamics of the relationship, and how I was treated. Some of this was counter intuitive at times. But for sure, I was playing a role in the dysfunction.
We all have our own 'stuff' to own and work on. One objective I had for myself through it all was to be sure that I put my own issues on the table - and work on them - and not simply point the finger that it was 'all her fault'. Often times we land here completely depleted, depressed, angry, full of resentment, etc etc... . that we cant possibly make clear thoughtful decisions. So first step is to take a step back and get our own two feet back on the ground. Become healthy and strong as an individual, leading to better decision making in the long term.
(and dont misunderstand - there are some relationships that are clearly better off if the person is OUT of them - so by no means am I always an advocate of staying. In fact unless its clear exactly 'why', I lean towards getting out since these are typically unhealthy emotional relationships. But getting out but not establishing your own emotional health, will just set you up to repeat all over again)
A worthwhile topic of conversation. Im a big believer in grounding yourself on exactly 'why' you are choosing to stay. I think it helps a lot to fall back on when the chaos kicks up.
