Daily Rant

[theboro504]

I'm tossing this out to help myself and I hope it helps someone else too.

While I still am only maybe 80% sure of my ex’s BPD, I still struggle as many do here to exist day to day and letting go a little more all the time. I was at a pretty good place in my own recovery and emotionally when my friend first contacted me to just spend time together because all our friends were married. I work now to get back to that place without her, our friends or my church. But one thing that I do know, it was too easy for me to let the peace and healing I had come to be taken from me and I just can’t blame that on her, I let it happen because apparently my own self worth was poor to start. I didn’t think it was and in the beginning of starting to see things get bizarre, I would even tell her I loved myself too much and her too much to let us settle for less than we wanted. Those were good words, but when I was forced to eat them, they are choking me.

I will try to keep a spiritual slant out of this, but for me that is where I am coming from. My problem was and after this nightmare, is  my own self worth and where I get it from. The lie, which I lived and maybe some of you as well lived, is that others dictate that worth. For me, if I examine my past, both distant and not so long ago, I see a pattern of trying to get the people who were the absolute least likely to have the maturity or honesty to affirm anyone, to affirm me. It is as if THIS, sick, selfish, arrogant person were to love me for who I am, then I AM Worthy… what a lie. And I have lived out that lie more times that I care to admit. The most recent cut is only the deepest because she made me believe she understood. She wanted what I wanted and that she was also on a journey of self discovery. She wasn’t. In her own words, “you talked about it, I just listened and went along with it”. Probably the only truthful words she ever spoke to me and those were the day she called it quits. And this, is a person capable of validating my worth?

Our worth is simply a given. It isn’t earned, it just is. Yes, having safe, healthy people to validate us as well as be honest enough and love us enough to keep us in check is a great asset to living, but their opinion or their love does not prove our worth.

I am very angry at all that’s happened but mostly at myself for living out of some sick place in me that craves this toxic, dishonest, sneaking, secretive 48 year old child to tell me she loves me and finds me worthy of her precious attention. I’m getting ticked at myself just writing that... . hehe

Anyway, I just wanted to toss this out to all who stop to read it, maybe spend some time tonight asking ourselves, after witnessing what we have from them, if we were to gain their love or get them back, exactly what would that prove? When I finally gain the true vision of my worthiness, I hope to be able to reverse the craving and realize, if she did love me, then I would need to examine myself for further flaws. Sometimes, with some people, it’s a blessing they don’t get a “spark” from me.

OK, end of daily rant... .