healing

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm in the process of healing after a two year relationship. It's only been just over a week since I've moved my boyfriend out. 

I'm not really sure there is a book for idiots out there on how to heal or that there even is a clear cut path on how to approach it but I'm trying my best.  Personally, I think reflection on the past and taking personal inventory of yourself is a big part of it.  This morning all I can think of is "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is".  We've all heard that and I think it applies to all of us... .  I should only speak for myself but it applied to the beginning of our relationship.  Here this good looking, athletic, well-mannered, religious man walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet.  Two months later we are madly in love and he is whispering sweet nothings into my ear none stop.  He wanted to spent every single minute of every day with me if only to do nothing but stare into each others eyes and proclaim our love.  Even then I questioned why this seemingly perfect gentlemen didn't already have a girlfriend.  Why was I so perfect for him?  Why did this romance turn into a whirlwind love affair?  Why did he constantly need validation?  After I said i love you he would always question it and say "are you sure?"  Every night before we went to bed he would say "Thank you".  I would say "for what?"  He would say "for everything"  I thought that was strange.  Was he thanking me for meeting his needs of feeling loved, was he thanking me for cooking dinner, was he thanking me for not abandoning him on that particular day... .  I'll never know. 

In my own personal reflection, I needed to be needed too.  I lost my husband after a long illness and i needed attention too.  I was willing to overlook so much because I so wanted this relationship to work.  overall, it was good.  I think I've heard of you say that... .  the good was very good and it was.  Is it worth leaving when there is so much good?  In my case, leaving was the only option because the abuse was also directed at my daughter. 

I went to church this morning whereby they spoke of sin and forgiveness.  I had tears in my eyes questioning myself once again even after everything i've just said.  Maybe I am suppose to forgive the sins of my ex and accept him back in my life... .  that's what he says i'm suppose to do and that I'm being selfish for having such a cold heart.  I do still love him but how much abuse and pain and hurt is one person suppose to suffer?

I'm just expressing my feelings this morning as I "heal"

Thank you for listening... .  I know you guys get it and that means so much.

[healingmyheart]

I'm in the process of healing after a two year relationship. It's only been just over a week since I've moved my boyfriend out. 

I'm not really sure there is a book for idiots out there on how to heal or that there even is a clear cut path on how to approach it but I'm trying my best.  Personally, I think reflection on the past and taking personal inventory of yourself is a big part of it.  This morning all I can think of is "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is".  We've all heard that and I think it applies to all of us... .  I should only speak for myself but it applied to the beginning of our relationship.  Here this good looking, athletic, well-mannered, religious man walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet.  Two months later we are madly in love and he is whispering sweet nothings into my ear none stop.  He wanted to spent every single minute of every day with me if only to do nothing but stare into each others eyes and proclaim our love.  Even then I questioned why this seemingly perfect gentlemen didn't already have a girlfriend.  Why was I so perfect for him?  Why did this romance turn into a whirlwind love affair?  Why did he constantly need validation?  After I said i love you he would always question it and say "are you sure?"  Every night before we went to bed he would say "Thank you".  I would say "for what?"  He would say "for everything"  I thought that was strange.  Was he thanking me for meeting his needs of feeling loved, was he thanking me for cooking dinner, was he thanking me for not abandoning him on that particular day... .  I'll never know. 

In my own personal reflection, I needed to be needed too.  I lost my husband after a long illness and i needed attention too.  I was willing to overlook so much because I so wanted this relationship to work.  overall, it was good.  I think I've heard of you say that... .  the good was very good and it was.  Is it worth leaving when there is so much good?  In my case, leaving was the only option because the abuse was also directed at my daughter. 

I went to church this morning whereby they spoke of sin and forgiveness.  I had tears in my eyes questioning myself once again even after everything i've just said.  Maybe I am suppose to forgive the sins of my ex and accept him back in my life... .  that's what he says i'm suppose to do and that I'm being selfish for having such a cold heart.  I do still love him but how much abuse and pain and hurt is one person suppose to suffer?

I'm just expressing my feelings this morning as I "heal"

Thank you for listening... .  I know you guys get it and that means so much.

[sandw0rm]

Whoa, I totally identify with this. It's only been a week for me too... but yeah. Just like you, to a T! This attractive, intelligent, athletic, well-mannered man, possessing all the traits you describe, waltzes into my life... It's so easy to get sucked into their fantasy; into this beautiful, glimmering future they paint for us. It seems so perfect, and we want it so badly--how do you turn down someone who, at least for quite a while, both projects this future AND backs it up by being intensely affectionate and loving (again, at least in the beginning)? That hurts to tear away from. But we do need to protect ourselves, and at some point, that abuse that crops up and that whittling away of self that happens just cannot be tolerated. We have to believe there's something better out there, even if it's just preserving our own sense of self and dignity. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that relationships with those with BPD can be the most toxic and volatile things ever. Be safe. You deserve healing. Don't let him compromise that.

[healingmyheart]

sandworm,  If I may be so bold to ask, how long was your relationship?  How are you doing emotionally?  Did he leave or did you ask him to leave?  I guess in a nutshell, whats your story? Did he lie and if so, how did you feel?

[sandw0rm]

sandworm,  If I may be so bold to ask, how long was your relationship?  How are you doing emotionally?  Did he leave or did you ask him to leave?  I guess in a nutshell, whats your story? Did he lie and if so, how did you feel?

My ex was my best friend for two and a half years before we ever got together. Throughout that time, we always had had strong feelings for one another, but whenever one of us was single the other wasn't. After a very rocky year with another girl, he broke up with her, and stated he did it to be with me. The actual, official relationship was only from november of this past year until last week, so... I guess that would put us at about four months. But, though that time isn't lengthy, the weight of the friendship and expectations was.

He lied endlessly. He actually never stopped seeing/sexting/hooking up with his ex while we were together, and eventually I found out about it. He would lie about anything he felt guilty about, which was a LOT, and then get upset with me for "not being emotionally communicative enough," which in turn, "FORCED him to turn to his ex for emotional/sexual support." Everything became my fault, no matter what. In the end, he initiated no contact, stating I was a poisonous and hurtful presence in his life. There was a lot of verbal/emotional abuse that took place, but it was always made clear that he felt I deserved it, and that I made him this way. Awful stuff.

I'm really not doing well, but I AM doing better than I was a week ago, when I got the voicemail that told me he was cutting me off. It's all very confusing--the behavior of these last few months seemed to come out of nowhere. Though I could see red flags in his past, and increasingly so in his relationship with his ex over the past year, I didn't see this coming. I think it's something that's still developing with him; we're only 21/22 respectively, and I know this is a time in which disorders begin to get uglier, if they were present at all in the person. Still trying to figure it all out.


What's your story? How did this all happen for you? Same questions--how're you holding up?

[healingmyheart]

I've been doing pretty good distracting myself this past week but how long can I do that... .  I can't avoid the issue and live in denial forever.

We were introduced through a mutual friend.  she was just a mom friend to me but "best friends" with my ex.  He clung to her and her entire family and even went on numerous family vacations with them.  After we were together for 6 months, I stumbled upon evidence that they had had a physical affair (she was and still is very married).  I suspected something weird going on... .  after she got us together she wouldn't even look at me anymore and acted jealous and didnt invite her "best friend" and I to her 50th birthay party.  I confronted my ex about the affair which of course he denied.  I finally told him I knew the truth.  He had a difficult time talking about it and just said he wouldn't talk to her and would have nothing to do with her because I was his everything.  Will it became an unspoken truth and it never went away.  He continued contact and I found him texting her numerous times after midnight in bed which he denied was her.  I obtained phone records which outlined many midnite rendevouz with her via text and lots of phone calls.  the interesting thing is that she was only the tip of the iceberg... .  he was also communicating with two other women... .  another previous girlfriend and a married women.  I showed him evidence of phone records and he literally continued to try and deny it for over an hour.  I packed his bags two days later and kicked him out.  It was during this stage that he became very verbally abusive to my daughter and it had to end.  Interesting, he finally sort of admitted some blame but not without blaming me too.  He said that it was ultimately my fault since I pushed him back to his ex married "best friend".  At this point, he is desperate.  He had a good thing going here and he wants it back.  He is sending flowers and texting asking to come back.  I am not responding to anything.