Struggling to stop hiding my true self

[Bama]

Growing up with a BPD mother has continued haunting me well into my adult life. What I'm currently struggling with is my old coping mechanism of hiding my true self. My mother was completely self centered, and it didn't matter what I was gowing through, she "trained" me that my needs and feelings were insignificant and always second to her.

If I was sincerely happy about something, she jumped all over it and completely wrecked my joy. She somehow took it over as her own and I ended up walking away feeling crummy.

If I was scared or upset about something, she made me feel worse.

The times I have confided in her, she betrays my trust. She would exploit my personal struggles to everyone and even exaggerate in the interest of creating even more drama.

If she was anyone other than my mother, I'm pretty sure I would have run away from this toxic relationship! But she's my mother, I can cut off communication for a bit but then the guilt starts building. The questioning of myself. The hope that its not her, it's me, and that I can do something to change it. But I know that's not true.

So... .  back to coping with her emotioonal exploits... .  what do you think I learned to do? HIDE EVERYTHING. Good, bad and otherwise. And now I'm realizing how deeply engrained this habit is, as I struggle to be real with the people close to me. Moments of real, unfiltered true emotion scare the hell out of me. As I compare healthy, supportive responses to "true moments" of life, I am baffled at the contrast in reactions between my mother and those of normal people!

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar struggle? What are some effective ways to retrain myself to be comfortable with myself?

[GeekyGirl]

You learned that hiding your opinions and thoughts was the safest way to avoid conflict with your mother, which I think a lot of us here can relate to. It feels like you have to please everyone and not make waves, right? That can be exhausting.

Sometimes just finding someone that you trust can really help. One of the things I like about T is that I can say whatever's on my mind to my T and know that he's not going to judge me or berate me. That's very freeing. T can feel like a lot of work, but it can also be very liberating.

Having people that I totally let go and be myself with helps too. My DH and friends help me stay grounded and energized, and I know that they won't typically be angry with me if I don't agree with them, as long as we respect each other's differences. It takes some time to build up that level of trust, and sometimes it can feel like taking a leap of faith. I'm very picky about who I open up completely to in real life, but the people I do have that kind of trust with have proven to me over the years that they are trustworthy.

[Clearmind]

Yes Bama I hear you – I also hid for a long time – GeekyGirl explained it well – I hid for the fear of retribution.

The great thing Bama is that you are aware of your trigger and no longer in denial – kudos to you – you can now actively work to move through it rather than allowing your childhood wound to hold you back. This is the difference between being a victim of circumstance and thriving.

The facts are that your mom is BPD and her own coping skills were not helpful to you. Your emotional response as an adult is to now hide – we cannot be abandoned as adults Bama and using Wise Mind and mindfulness it can help to compartmentalize the facts from the emotions – or your emotional response to a past traumatic event.

We are capable as adults, to feed ourselves, clothe ourselves and put a roof over our heads - as children we were reliant on our parents to do this - you get to choose now and our BPD parents no longer have a hold over us.

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Pause and listen to your body Bama – and act – if you need to set a boundary then this is the time to do it. You are capable of protecting yourself – trust that your feelings are real.