After 13 weeks of NC she reached out

[stevenq]

Well i received an email from my BPD ex gf today! I know its a feeler email. My car is in the shop. Its been there awhile because i havent had the money to get it out and i did call the mechanic about it. Just so happens she goes to the same mechanic. So her email said: hi hope all is well. Saw your car and the mechanic said you were supposed to get your car last month              is this a recycle attempt?

[sunrising]

Well i received an email from my BPD ex gf today! I know its a feeler email. My car is in the shop. Its been there awhile because i havent had the money to get it out and i did call the mechanic about it. Just so happens she goes to the same mechanic. So her email said: hi hope all is well. Saw your car and the mechanic said you were supposed to get your car last month              is this a recycle attempt?

It's come to my attention that we nons analyze the pwBPD behavior FAR more than they do.   She could be considering recycling you.  She could be sub-consciously thinking of re-engaging you.    She could be trying to make you feel bad about your inability to get your car.  She could be genuinely curious what's up with you and your car.  Her motives are absolutely irrelevant if YOU are in control.

Do you feel susceptible to being recycled, if she were to try?   

[stevenq]

Yes i do feel reciptable. I think shes just worried that she looks bad to her mechanic because she referred me to him. This is typical of her. This is about her.

[Discarded26]

Yes i do feel reciptable. I think shes just worried that she looks bad to her mechanic because she referred me to him. This is typical of her. This is about her.

Any contact is always ABOUT THEM

Never us, what I've realized in my 'breadcrumbs'

[seeking balance]

Yes i do feel reciptable. I think shes just worried that she looks bad to her mechanic because she referred me to him. This is typical of her. This is about her.

Yes, she called you and it is about her.

But - the nice thing is you get to choose to make it about you now. Try not to focus on how do you feel vs. how you act.

What are you going to DO?

[Rose Tiger]

Hey Stevenq, these sorts of lite emails can morph into a recycle, if you are willing to take on 99% of the relationship again.  If you were to answer with a big ol' explanation, it could lead to more talking or she might drop it cold.  It depends on her mood in the moment.

I do respond to ex's emails, mainly because I am strong enough to not go down the recycle road and well, I worry about that he is an unstable person, no response might be upsetting to him.  Can't help it, I still care about his well being.

I respond and pretend I'm talking to my brother because I don't have any high emotion talking to him.  "Oh that's right, thanks for letting me know.  Take care, stevenq."  A nonreactive response, no JADE.  Justifying, apologizing, defending or explaining.    Ex rarely responds to my responses, I don't give him anything to 'go on'.  I don't risk my feelings of putting them out there for him to embrace or stomp on.

Just another option for you to consider.

[stevenq]

I must admit i was a little happy to hear from her. Ive decided to continue NC and not respond to her. I dont want to get sucked back into the FOG. Ive gone 13weeks and i dont want to throw that away.

[seeking balance]

I must admit i was a little happy to hear from her.

That is normal, we all like to be remembered by someone we once loved.

Ive decided to continue NC and not respond to her. I dont want to get sucked back into the FOG. Ive gone 13weeks and i dont want to throw that away.

That is wise - the happy you felt will quickly turn into frustration, sadness and anger with contact - there are many examples of this.

When you get to the point where you don't need to update a support group on what to do or what you feel - it is likely you are at the point of radical acceptance and can handle limited contact. 

Detaching takes time & emotional work.