Dd catches bf with drugs worried about child safety

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My dd is very scared, worried about legal custody now that she has caught bf again with drugs. They are living together.  Bf, father of little one takes care of little one while she works .  She doesn't know but worries about his ability to take care of her.  He has had drug issues before, refusing to get help.  She lives in Mass.   She wants to come here, in another state so she can have our help for awhile.   Does anyone know if she can do that, what she needs to do to prove he is not fit right now ... .    Thanks for any help

   

[somuchlove]

My dd is very scared, worried about legal custody now that she has caught bf again with drugs. They are living together.  Bf, father of little one takes care of little one while she works .  She doesn't know but worries about his ability to take care of her.  He has had drug issues before, refusing to get help.  She lives in Mass.   She wants to come here, in another state so she can have our help for awhile.   Does anyone know if she can do that, what she needs to do to prove he is not fit right now ... .    Thanks for any help

   

[Matt]

How old is the child?

Were they ever married?

Is there any court order establishing parenting status?

[somuchlove]

Thanks for replying to my post. 

The child is 15 months old.  They were never married. 

D has 2 children by her ex husband.  they are 12 and 11.  he has custody ( was a crazy court situation )  now he doesn't have them much at all.  no child support between the two of them with these 2 children.  From what she told me he can't take them out of state, ( he is wanting to move across the country to be with his girlfriend.  she has to give permission, and would be glad to move there as she would never let him take them that far away.  however, she doesn't have a lot of faith in the legal system and is scared ex. will pull stuff on her.  He is like that.  However, they are getting along better, mainly because she pretty much has them all the time.

Back to the little 15 month old.  bf has 2 other children, of which he can't keep up with child support,  my d and he are still living together but she is scared because she knows he has started using drugs again.  He is a really nice guy, tries to work hard, has a nice family but these drugs he seems , can't stop getting back into them. 

Her problem is does she take the 15 month old and follow ex. across the country.  She has little money, he has not money,  she doesn't want to get caught up in court stuff, etc etc.  She has even thought of coming here, she could finish school we could help with child care.  If she would do that her ex would have to agree to let the older ones be here, and then there is the 15 month old.   As I said before she is in Mass.  I am not sure if things are different from state to state.  I imagine they are. 

[Matt]

Yes, some things are different from state to state.  Usually if both parents can agree, then the court will say OK, but if the parents don't agree it can be complicated.

My adult son is a recovering addict - alcohol, meth, etc. - now clean and sober for more than four years.  It can be done, but he went through a lot - jail, rehab, jail, rehab, now in prison but doing very well.  Without help your daughter's boyfriend is not likely to stay clean for long, even if he can get clean.  And for him to be responsible for the child can't be good, even if he's a good guy... .  

First about custody of the baby.  She probably needs to decide what will be best for the child, and take steps to get that to be official.  For example, she could decide that the father shouldn't be around the child til he has been clean for awhile, and is in a program and doing well.  Or she could decide that it's best for the child if she would move where you are so you can help instead of her boyfriend.  Whatever she thinks is best, she can file a motion - maybe get a lawyer to help - and the court will rule on that.

If she gets sole custody, she may be free to move anywhere, but that may not be how it works out.  If the father gets partial custody - even if he has to get treatment - that could mean she can't move.

Another way would be for her to take the child and move, and file for custody in that other state.  The court may not approve of that, but if there is no court order in place now, it might be OK.

How do you think the father would react if she moved away?

[somuchlove]

I think the father would not like it to take his dd away as he really does care.  However he really can't seem to keep up with anything at this point.  It breaks my dd heart.  She is so torn with her boys maybe moving across the country, she wants to go but then that means taking her little one away.  I think she would really like to move out of Ma.  not much job opportunities there as well.  I don't think bf has any money to take her to court.  it is also hard to tell how the father ( her ex.) would feel if she wants to keep the boys with her.  I think sometimes he wouldn't mind just being a dad some of the time .   

I don't know ( how to advise her, knowing it is her decision and up to her.other than tell her to get legal support, I guess, she doesn't have any money, however, what to do. 

She is so up and down.  What does she have to prove he is incapable of watching his dd.  how does she prove he is using drugs again?  Can she force him to take drug testing?

[Matt]

Well, again, things are different in different places, and I'm not a lawyer, and nobody here can give legal advice.

Every city has testing labs - here they're called "TASC", but I can't remember what that stands for.  They do court-ordered testing for about $40.  If the father has a history with drugs, that is documented - like if he's ever been charged with a drug crime, for example - then if your daughter just states for the court, "Father is using [specific drug]" or "I have seen father use [drug] five times since January 1" - any specifics she can offer so it's credible - there is a good chance the court will order testing.

Another approach she could take is to ask the court to have them both tested, so if he reacts by accusing her of drugs, she can say, "I am asking that we both be tested" - get it all out on the table, even if she has no history or record with drugs.

As an example, she could file a motion for temporary orders, saying, "If Father tests clean three straight times - random tests supervised by the court - then he should have Baby 8 hours each weekend, but no overnights.  If he fails one of those tests, then he should have supervised visitation, at his expense, for six months, and then try again."  Or something like that, that will show she is trying to include him, but it depends on him staying clean.

Best not to frame it as an "accusation", or call him an "addict".  After all, it's possible the judge herself could be a recovering addict, or alcoholic - that's not a crime, and if she's been sober awhile, it could even be a point of pride.  The issue is not whether he's an addict, but whether he is consistently clean, and if he is, he should have no problem with the testing (except he could say your daughter should pay for it).

If testing goes bad for him, and six months later it goes badly again, then it might be reasonable for your daughter to say, "I need to move to another state, to be with my sons, and for work.  Father has failed drug tests and is not able to be a sober parent now.  I can take care of Baby, and if he cleans up, he can move to State and start again."

But to take a step back... .  it seems like maybe the two big decisions are, is it best for Baby to have Father in her life, long term?  And is it best for Sons to have both parents in the same place, or to be mostly with Mom, or mostly with Dad?

[ForeverDad]

People move.  People even move across the country.  That happens all the time.  Courts have to deal with that reality.  One solution when parents are separated by huge distances is to give the remote parent preference for some of the longer school holidays and some additional time during the summer vacations.

That said, it's hard to know what all her options are without local legal advice.  This could go bad or it could go good... .  but should she agree to let it go bad because it might not go good?  She probably has a better case to seek custody - if it becomes an issue - because she has had majority time for years.  Depending on how her state views children of unmarried parents, she may get preference for custody of the toddler both as mother and father's weakness for substance abuse.

Is either father disordered or unreasonable?  That will be a big factor in making decisions.  If not, then she may be able to work things out without it getting escalated into High Conflict.

[livednlearned]

Is either father disordered or unreasonable?  That will be a big factor in making decisions.  If not, then she may be able to work things out without it getting escalated into High Conflict.

That was my question too. If the ex (of the older children) is BPD, that is going to be the harder battle to fight.

If your daughter is broke, she can qualify for legal aid. There are some good attorneys who work in those places, but she has to ask around to find out if some have better reputations than others for this kind of work. Even a consultation for a small fee might help her figure out what her options are, without committing to a more expensive retainer.

With a small toddler in the picture, and a bf who is doing drugs, your daughter must be fairly exhausted and stressed. Is it possible for you to fly out and help her think through the logistics of what needs to happen, to at least find out what her options are?

[somuchlove]

Ex ( father of older 2) is not BPD.  He has some diff.issues.  Comes from a very wealthy family, but think they are frustrated as well.  He was suppose to work himself up into the family business but never has.  Dad knows better.  He is one of these guys that knows it all, been there , done it, etc etc.  Goes off on ideas and then can't make it.  Going to make money doing this, then that.  doesn't like to work even the 8 hrs.  I know he loves his kids, but broke up with a lady about 2 yrs. ago, got into this relationship and now following her ( because she has her own business, very successful) in another state.  His old gf made a big salary and was one of the higher people in her business.  I knew that wouldn't last because after about a yr or so you learn he is all talk, can't manage money, and is very very scattered... .    He is probably ok with and has been having dd spend a lot of time with the children.  It just makes him look bad to not be real involved and he likes control.  I worry that dd will follow him, allow him to take the children, and find out that this relations for him doesn't work, or it isn't the great picture he has painted for her as far as her finding a job, etc.  I think she knows he is full of hot air but with her BPD and her being very upset with bf it is an out.  But gets complicated because bf can't move because he has other children in the state. 

Her decisions I guess are and where she stands legally is:

1.  I don't think ex can take children out of state without her permission even though he still has custody, but she has 1/2 shared.  No child support between the two of them.  She pays for lots of stuff. 

2. bf of whom she is living with and is the father of her 14 month old has children near and probably would never leave them.  ( I sure understand this)   He has trouble paying child support of these children has gotten way behind, put in jail for it until his mom came up with all the money, ) So don't know if he would fight our dd and try to keep her in the state or if she just left could he make her move back or get her for kidnapping, etc.  Just don't know how that all works. 

[ForeverDad]

bf father... .  So don't know if he would fight our dd and try to keep her in the state or if she just left could he make her move back or get her for kidnapping, etc.

I may be wrong but my general understanding is that if there are no court orders stating otherwise, then a parent can't claim kidnapping.  If there are no orders or enforceable agreements, then both parents may have equal status as far as custody and parenting are concerned - until there are court orders.  So that fear may have no basis or at least probably overblown.  Another consideration is whether the presumption of equal standing as parents also applies to cases where the parents aren't married.  In some states an unmarried mother has default legal preference on some issues.

A few relatively inexpensive legal consultations could answer some of these basic questions that are dependent on her residence state and having to deal with two fathers, thus giving your daughter a better framework to start pondering her options and strategies.