Daughter in hospital

[Parents! Get help here!]

I posted on the new members board yesterday.  Briefly, my d15 is suffering from BPD along with an eating disorder.   Right now she is in the hospital receiving nutrition via a feeding tube through her nose.  We are awaiting placement in the only facility in our state that can handle the medical and mental health issues.  Of course we could go out of state but she is too unstable for travel.  She was in an RTC from July thru November and frankly it was horrible.  At the time it seemed like a great place, but they did not see her as someone with BPD.  Anyway I am terrified of her going again to a facility.  She is looking so vulnerable now and keeps telling me she is sorry for putting us all through this.  Most of my family members didn't get it and think she is just manipulative.  I've been viewing this site for a while and learning a lot about this terrible disorder.  Now I need support from those who truly get it.

[breathofheaven]

I posted on the new members board yesterday.  Briefly, my d15 is suffering from BPD along with an eating disorder.   Right now she is in the hospital receiving nutrition via a feeding tube through her nose.  We are awaiting placement in the only facility in our state that can handle the medical and mental health issues.  Of course we could go out of state but she is too unstable for travel.  She was in an RTC from July thru November and frankly it was horrible.  At the time it seemed like a great place, but they did not see her as someone with BPD.  Anyway I am terrified of her going again to a facility.  She is looking so vulnerable now and keeps telling me she is sorry for putting us all through this.  Most of my family members didn't get it and think she is just manipulative.  I've been viewing this site for a while and learning a lot about this terrible disorder.  Now I need support from those who truly get it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peppersnap]

Hi breathofheaven

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I'm fairly new here myself so I don't have any great words of wisdom to offer. Only that I know how hard it is when you can see your child is in pain and others think you are being 'a soft touch.'

You are doing all you can by supporting your daughter and getting her the help she needs. Try to give yourself some kudos for that.

Hang in there, thinking of you xxx

[jellibeans]

Dear breathofheaven

I read you story on the newbie board but I saw you posted here so I am only responding to this post. I am so glad you have found us... . really this is a board full of very caring people and we are here to support you through this difficult time. You have been very strong and brave through all of this. Please take care of yourself and make time for you to rest when you need it. Seems like it has been several months of unrest and drama. I will tell you I came here about a year ago and my daughter was overdosing repeatedly and running away from home. She really became bad after her best friends had been secretly cyber bullying her... . when she found out it was them she went into a tail spin and just got worse and worse. She was finally put into RTC for 2 months and when she came out she began to get better. I think the key was finding a good DBT counselor and someone she can connect with. She needed to heal from a great hurt and that takes time. I tell you all this to let you know my daughter is doing so much better... . she is in school and passing and got her license this past summer. She also got a job yesterday so have hope... . I really was in the same situation as you and I wondered i=what the future would bring. Having hope is very important.

Is it possible for you to find a RTC on your own? Not all are recreated equal... . if at all possible I think that would be good. I know it is expensive but it is worth having her at a long term place that can handle her issues.

Is she seeing a doctor? did she get a dx of BPD? Your daughter is sick but with the proper help she can get better. What state are you in?

I would suggest you get this book to read... . "overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr" it is very helpful.

Here are some articles to read that will help you too.

Residential Treatment Program (RTP) or Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP)?

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Helping our children deal with trauma

Parents’ “Bill of Rights”

Video--Adolescence and Borderline Personality Disorder

Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents

Self injury and self harm


I hope I have not given you too much to read but I found that the more I learned about this disorder the better prepared I was. Keep posting I know that you are not alone. There are many here that can give advise and support.  

[swampped]

Dear Breathofheaven:  (I love your name!) Just wanted to add my welcome and let you know you will find a lot of support here.  jellibeans has given you enough reading material to keep you busy for a while, and I hope you will find some time to read it as well as take care of yourself while your dd is in hospital.  Hopefully things will look a little more hopeful to her once her nutritional status is improved.  My experience with BPD is that of a mother-in-law, although in many ways I feel like my dil is my own daughter.  The pain of this illness is profound, both for the person suffering with it, and for family members whose lives begin to revolve around its ups and downs.  Please know we understand, and you are welcome to come, lurk, share, read, whatever.  Hope to hear more from you when you feel like sharing.  You are in my thoughts and prayers, as is your dd, and the rest of your family.   Swampped

[pessim-optimist]

Hello breathofheaven,



Welcome to our board... . I am so sorry we meet under these circumstances, at the same time, I am glad you have found us.

At least right now your darling daughter is safe at the hospital. It must be so scary - her being so weak... .  

How are you holding up?

jellibeans is right - not all RTCs are created equal. Do you have any information on the new facility? Is is a good one?

[breathofheaven]

Thanks for all for your responses.  I have been reading these boards since about May and have buried myself in constant research, reading all the suggested books and trying to practice the tools on the right.  Dd15 is not diagnosed officially, but I keep hearing the word "emerging" BPD traits. Some of her dx are bipolar, MDD, ODD, and major anxiety. Her case is complicated now with this new eating disorder which I believe is as a result of a couple of things.  She started Zyprexa in November and gained about 20 lbs in about 1 month.  Then in January, had the GI bug having never thrown up in her life.  This freaked her out tremendously!  Her baseline anxiety level is typically through the roof and this made everything worse.  She wouldn't leave her room and started refusing to eat for  fear of getting sick.  Then it got to "I'm not eating and you can't make me."  Instead of cutting, she is using this now for self hurt and control. She is also saying that by not eating this will be a easy way for her to die. Luckily she has not been aggressive at the hospital.  She has never been aggressive at home only at the acute psych hospitals and RTC. 

She will be placed at a psych hospital that can handle her medical issues as a result of not eating.  Before this eating disorder issue, we looked at all the top ones out of state, but because of her history of being aggressive and consistently refusing treatment, no one is eager to accept her.  I also am trying to recover from the bad treatment she received at her previous RTC.   The only good part this time is that she will be admitted under medical need in a non RTC section, and our medical insurance should cover it.  Honestly, I don't know how common it is for someone to have an eating disorder and BPD traits. 

When I look at her now, I see a lost soul.  The radical accepting part is something that I work on every day.  Again, it is good to finally share our journey.  It was comforting to see familiar names responding to this post. 

[MammaMia]

breathofheaven

Welcome to BPDF.  I am so sorry for what you and your dd are going through.

It is not uncommon for psychiatrists NOT to diagnose BPD until the patient is 18 or older.  I do not know exactly why ... . but they will call it anything BUT BPD until then, even if it is obvious that BPD is the correct diagnosis.  Sadly, a formal diagnosis of BPD is usually made when it is almost impossible for parents to seek help for their child.  Once they turn 18 they are considered an "adult" by law and if they refuse treatment nothing can be done.

This is ridiculous and the laws need to be changed to allow parental mental health intervention until age 21! 

I hope and pray you can find a therapist who recognizes BPD as well as the eating disorder and implements DBT or some other treatment for BPD simultaneously.  They can call it whatever they want, it does not change the nature of the disorder. 

To answer your question... . Yes, pwBPD will self-harm in any way they can, and BPD can exist with other forms of mental illness.

Please stay strong and fight for what your dd needs to get better.  We will be here for you as long as you need us, and will help in any way we can.

Thank you for joining the BPDF Community.  You are among friends now.

[jellibeans]

Dear breathofheaven

I am glad you have had a chance to educate yourself on this disorder... . at least you know what you are dealing with.

My dd16 was hospitalized many times and each time she was released she came home with a new thing... . like cutting and then she picked up the eating disorder from her group therapy. I do think it is very common but your dd has taken to a new level that I am sure causes you concern and worry.

When I found this board it gave me great comfort to know there were other going through the same thing as my family. I hope that also gives you comfort. We are here to support you any way we can. I wish I knew what more to say but I want to tell you once again that this is only a small part of your daughters life... . things will get better... . have hope and please don't forget to take care of yourself.

[crumblingdad]

So glad you posted your story and feel comfortable enough to share as well as receive support.  Such a tough situation you're in and so painful.  It's awesome how much preparation you're doing and studying.  I too, didn't get an actual diagnosis for our DD17 for a LONG time and often heard the "emerging" or just got told how "difficult" it is.  I think you, like me, understand when you read up a bit on BPD and have a child with it a giant flashing light goes on where you say "OH MY THIS IS MY KID" and at that point it blows your mind how many professionals don't see it.  Stand by what you feel you know, I discovered I know my kid a lot better then many professionals do.  Our DD's RTC finally diagnosed her after she was there about 45 days.  In fact, one of the staff there with a Master's degree who's worked in recovery and dual dx for many years (15-20 years) and made a very strong connection with our DD spoke to me about 3 weeks ago.  She said, "Ya know I love your daughter so much I had a hard time accepting your DD had BPD and didn't want to see it even though you told me and I remember telling you I didn't think so."  She said, "yeah you were right and sorry it took me so long to see it."  Luckily our RTC works with treatment "teams" where all involved compare notes and that way multiple views from multiple professionals with eyes on the children are taken of every treatment approach.

I highly recommend if you do decide to do another RTC to do what you've been doing and make sure they have experience with BPD.  The biggest decision maker for me was something you commented on.  You said you sensed apprehension when you spoke to some at her aggressive behavior.  I found this myself and what set the one I chose apart is their director said to me when I cautioned him, "Well we like the ones who are difficult they're our biggest cheerleaders when they become alumni and are in recovery so we welcome the challenge."  It was at that moment based on everything else they did that I had found her RTC.

Hope you can find the proper treatment moving forward as well and that we can support you however possible.

[breathofheaven]

The support is so great here.  I feel like I have been on everyone's journey since April reading all of their posts and I especially feel fortunate for your continued help, especially crumblingdad.  I learned a great deal from your previous personal posts and your subsequent responses to others. 

We received word today that d15 is formally accepted into the eating disorder program I described in a past post.  My dh is visiting it tomorrow as I have already seen it last week. The therapist do cognitive therapy, but not specifically DBT. 

Again, it seems she is destined to go to this new facility since there really is none that will accept her.  Mclean  and Spring Hill refused.  She is receiving nutrition thru a feeding tube(still refusing to eat and drink) and it is a deal breaker for most places. Two other places out of state would be a possibility,  but my d calls herself an "atheist" and these places have a Christian and/or spiritual component.  I wish this was easier.  Make the wrong choice and everyone suffers the consequences like what happened during her first RTC.  The guilt is still fresh as I remember a phone call with my daughter one evening at the RTC.  She was crying, telling me that one of the psych techs told her that her primary nurse would not be working there anymore.  Mind you the nurse had been gone for 2 weeks already. It was a Friday night. No therapists available.  She kept crying as I was trying to console her when she dropped the phone and started screaming.  A few minutes later, a nurse called me back and said they had to restrain her.  To which I said, "No kidding!", among other things like why on a Friday night, and why not during a therapy session. My d clearly has attachment issues which they were well aware of.  I am so afraid she is going to shut down completely and be aggressive at the new place and that others will be mean to her because they do not understand her.  I don't know if I can bear this again. 

[MammaMia]

Breathofheaven


My heart breaks for you and your family, and I pray your daughter reacts positively to treatment.

Please call on us whenever you feel the need.  I only wish we could ease your pain and heal your dd.

You have been through so much already.

God bless you with strength and comfort.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Dear breathofheaven,

Are you going to have some regular contact with the therapist at the new facility? Do you think you could discuss your dd's attachment issues with him/her?

I am not sure if you have seen this thread yet - it's a really good story of one of our emeritus member's daughter going to an RTC and the whole journey. It has a lot of good information in it. It might be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0

Take it one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself, ok? 

[jellibeans]

Dear breathofheaven

Try to put the past in the past. Go forward with a positive outlook and without reservations. You need to beleive that this is the best place for your child until you see signs that it is not. When my daughter was in RTC she often tell me things that weren't necessarily true... . trying to get out and trying to turn me against the place she was staying. It is important to be supportive but don't be manipulated at the same time. Give up the control and let the doctors do what they have been trained to do. Go forward with open eyes and an open heart. Stop reliving the past... . focus on the future. I know it is hard to see the light but it is there and things will get better... .

[Praha Mama]

Hey breathofheaven,  It's tough to have a BPD daughter in the hospital with an eating disorder!  Been there, done that, and it was hard. 

I like your name.  I must have replayed that breath of heaven song in my head a hundred times the year my father-in-law was dying of cancer.  It helped to anchor and center me.  God bless you and your daughter.