Hello

[Ciorsdan]

Hello,

I am a 24 year old female with a 43 year old mother that exhibits many signs and symptoms of BPD and a very short fuse.  Since 2001, when she and my father divorced, I have had to learn how to deal with the situation. My self-esteem has suffered.  I was unable to make simple decisions on my own.  The only times I have been truly happy in the past 11 years have been when contact was limited or non-existent.  Still, there is some part of me that feels like this relationship has to work, because she is the only mother I will ever have.

While I was in school, I wasn't allowed to go to friend's houses.  She accused me on more than one occasion of being willing to do drugs or drink (which I did not).  I exhibited difficulties when she remarried (she was moving in with her new boyfriend less than a month after I found out that my parents were divorcing), and she responded by calling me a fat, self-centered btch and told me that it was no wonder that I couldn't get a boyfriend.  I was 13 at the time.  I was good friends with a young man in my choir class who was homosexual.  Upon learning his sexual orientation, I was told not to talk to him again, because I could get AIDS if something happened and he bled on me.  I was made to send a VERY hateful email about how I couldn't see him again because of his life decisions (which was dictated by my mother).  I told my parents (referring to mom and step-dad) that I wanted to be an aerospace engineer for NASA.  I was told that women aren't good at math and I should be a doctor or a lawyer instead.  I wound up being chosen to participate in NASA's High School Aerospace Scholar's program over a summer.  While I was there, I flourished and was given the honor of hosting the highest ranking guest and presenting a speech about the program at the concluding banquet.   At that point, my parents decided to let me attend school for engineering.  But there was a catch... .  I could only attend the university of their choosing and that university did not offer a degree in aerospace engineering.  I pursued mechanical engineering, but due to never having been allowed to have a job or any other true responsibility, I wasn't as diligent as I should have been and spent more time with friends than studying.  I didn't want my parents at the school.  I invited my mother up to watch a dance class that I had been excelling in.  I won a prize the day she was there.  When what she thought of me, she merely pointed out another couple in the class that she felt had done better. 

Those are only a handful of incidents that confused me for the longest time.  My husband and I moved in with my parents in order to eliminate some debt on both of our parts. I can't believe that I ever went back on my vow to never live in her house again.  My behavioral characteristics are not the same when I am around her.  My husband came home from work yesterday and we went to the grocery store to spend $10 on a few groceries on dinner.  Today, it was a HUGE ordeal, where the 10 mile round trip drive was a horrible waste of gas and money and that I am irresponsible and don't make good decisions.  Where I am honest with all other things, I find myself lying to her to avoid confrontation... .  at least for a while.  I understand that they are doing me a favor.  All favors from her come with expectations that are never mentioned until they haven't been done.  I am accused of having an attitude every time I turn around.  I am treated like I'm 13 again. And she treats my husband worse. We are at our wits' end.  I have about a month and a half until my husband and I will be able to move out, but I am having to make serious sacrifices.

How do I deal with living in such close proximity with her for another month and a half? 


-Ciorsdan

[Kwamina]

Hello Ciorsdan 

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Living with a BPD parent is very difficult and confusing indeed. Something that worked for me was not taking the verbal attacks personally, I realized that my mother's words are not a reflection of my true self but only a reflection of her chaotic mind. I also lowered my expectations of her, instead of hoping she'll change and be a real mother, now I expect her to misbehave and mentally prepare myself as well as I can for this. It's very hard to accept the reality of BPD so I can understand that you want the relationship to work because like you said she's the only mother you'll ever have. The only problem is that you have no control over her bevahior, you might influence her but you can't make her change if she doesn't want to. You can only control your own behavior so my advice would be to focus on that. I've spent the first 30 years of my life trying to reason with my uBPD mother and hoping she would change, but I've come to realize that it's highly unlikely she'll ever change because she's just not willing to.