life changes and uBPDsis

[jennifercanada]

Hi everyone.

I am an on again/off again poster! it's certainly not personal. I feel at different points of my process I need to reach out, or recoil and hide out. recently I've had a change in my personal situation - and am feeling the need to reach out! very grateful for a safe, welcoming environment like this to reach out to!

I'm early 30s and my uBPDsis is in her early 40s. she has no intimate relationship to speak of (does not support or even acknowledge the intimate relationships of others), she runs our parents ragged and controls/dictates every possible aspect of her interactions (as you can imagine - she is a true joy to be around   )

so fast-forward to the current situation: after years of infertility and trying for baby - me and my husband are expecting! we are very early (7 weeks), and with my complications, are not sure if this pregnancy will take. we are optimistic, and early medical appointments are positive, but we remain cautious.

Rather than embracing this exciting development, all I can seem to think of is how this news will land with uBPDsis.    I have all these dialogues playing out in my head... all laced with her fear of abandonment, her not wanting to 'share' time and affection with this new being, how they will be our parents first grandchild and all the attention that will bring... .

I'm really looking for some suggestions of how to get through the FOG around all of this and into focusing on myself and this babe.

thanks in advice, friends!

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, jennifercanada    & welcome back!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I wish you all the best with that... .You certainly do need to take care of yourself at this time to make sure you and your child are healthy and safe. I'm not sure how long you've been away from this site, but if you check out the links to the right-hand margin of this page, you will find many helpful Lessons, Articles and Workshops that can help you do what you need to be calm, safe and happy.

Some of those links will even help you learn how to communicate better with your sister... .Have you ever learned the communication tools and techniques on this site? Even if you have, a refresher course in Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth might be helpful for you at this time.

I'm so happy for you and your husband, and hope for a wonderful outcome. I'm really glad you are back with us, and hope to see you telling more of your story and asking more of your questions... .Keep reading the links to the right hand margin, check out the tools and techniques above, and know that we are here for you. Great to see you!

[jennifercanada]

Rapt Reader,

thank you for your thoughtful reply! I had not previously explored the links in depth, and have been digging in over the weekend.

[Rapt Reader]

Rapt Reader,

thank you for your thoughtful reply! I had not previously explored the links in depth, and have been digging in over the weekend.

That sounds great, jennifercanada 

Please let us know if you have any questions about what you've read, and keep us updated on how things are going... .I wish you every best thing!

[P.F.Change]

Congratulations!

Your sister may become wildly jealous, or she may become obsessed with your child, or neither, or both. Impossible to predict. I have found that living reactively--in anticipation of whatever my parents or sister may or may not do or feel--is incredibly draining. Very stressful and causes a great deal of anxiety. There is no way to know exactly what will happen with them.

So I try to focus on what I do know, which is my own values, boundaries, and needs. Those are consistent no matter what happens with other people.

I know I am not responsible for other people's happiness.

I know my children are not for bringing purpose to someone else's life.

I know I do not continue listening when someone calls me names or yells.

I know I will make my home a place where my children and I feel safe.

I know that my worth is not dependent on whether someone else likes me. I know I am a good person.

I know I can take care of myself.

I know I have a right to my own needs and feelings.

I know I can say "no."

What are your values for yourself and your new family? How can knowing the constants help you deal with the variables?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[jennifercanada]

P.F - thank you.

your words, as usual, are so wise. I've tried to re-centre myself with these statements over recent days, and am taking some comfort in them. It's like a never-ending therapy session inside my mind most days!

an update on the situation - we have shared the news of our pregnancy with my parents. my mother was over-joyed, as expected. my father was unsure how to react (also as expected... .side note: he has some issues from being raised by an uBPDmother as well... .). I also discussed with my parents the fears I have of sharing this news with my uBPDsis - as I anticipate this will drop a bomb on her world.

my father offered to tell my sister for me. and I am really debating on this offer. I'd really like to hear how others on this board feel about this?

I would love to avoid the drama - but I suspect this won't avoid it, maybe just prolong it. that first conversation is going to be awkward, at best. and if they tell her on my behalf, the awkwardness will still be awaiting me (or perhaps much, much worse than awkward).

I'm also wondering if telling her myself could somehow get her more 'on board' with her new role as aunt?  I realize this is a massive long shot... .and that it will just be 'how does this affect me' ... no matter how she hears the news!

any further thoughts would be much appreciated, friends!

[Rapt Reader]

I'm also wondering if telling her myself could somehow get her more 'on board' with her new role as aunt?  I realize this is a massive long shot... .and that it will just be 'how does this affect me' ... no matter how she hears the news!

Hi, jennifercanada 

I'm actually not in your position in any way--the BPD people in my life are my adult son, uDIL & uMIL. I've got 4 sisters (!), but none have any type of personality disorders, so the relationships are all pretty normal (for 5 sisters, that is   ).

Anyhow, others on this Board will give you the benefit of their experiences, but telling her yourself--if you feel comfortable doing it--seems good to me. Maybe she will be happy to be an Aunt, and maybe not; you can't control her reaction but if it seems important for you to tell her for you, then that's what I would do. I know my own (non-BPD) sisters would want to hear it from me and not my parents; maybe just do a sister-to-sister "normal" thing and she might rise to the occasion and surprise you with a positive reaction?

I don't know... .you know your sister better than anyone else. Besides, this is your time: what makes you happy? If she reacts poorly, would it devastate you? Or is it worth the gamble? I'd take the chance, but then again, I don't know your sister 

[P.F.Change]

I'm also wondering if telling her myself could somehow get her more 'on board' with her new role as aunt?  I realize this is a massive long shot... .and that it will just be 'how does this affect me' ... no matter how she hears the news!

You have zero ability to control someone else's reactions.

You cannot make your sister be excited for you, and you can't stop her from being outraged at you. Not in your power to change her.

Are you currently in contact with your sister? Do you need to avoid speaking to her personally?

PF

[Artfulmind]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's an amazing time. How is it going? I have a 10 month old girl after suffering 2 miscarriages. So I know how overjoyed you must feel expecting! I have a very similar situation with my dBPDsis. We are twins  she was excited about my pregnancy she flew from fl to va to see her after she was born. She is mothering towards her when we visit. But in between visits she goes from asking about her and wanting to Skype with her so bad one day to not asking about her or talking about her for numerous phone calls. My suspected BPD father did the same routine dad of the year one day ass for months on end. Since we have such limited contact now because of living far it isn't that bad. But I worry as my daughter gets older what role my sister will play in her life. I can never leave my daughter with her alone. My sis has a volatile relationship with her bf that I would never allow my daughter to witness. So there will be major boundaries on their contact-I'm sure my sis will notice that one day-not sure how that will go.  Even the last time I visited when my daughter was 8 months we flew down there and she convinced me to go out and drink with her and her bf and let my daughter be babysat  which I was so worried about doing I had never left my daughter before we go everywhere together and I don't have a nightlife like that I'd rather stay home with her. So when I reluctantly agreed my sis was ticked cause I wasn't all excited about it. I was going through a little separation anxiety. Instead of being understanding like a sis should be she got moody. The night was ruined by her fb noticing she was texting another guy and a huge fight ensued  with both of them. Then I blew up on her for ruining everything.  That was the last time I saw her. I am very protective of my daughter and I will not let her witness my sisters abuse  so I fear I have a stressful road ahead of me.