Grandma passed away yesterday... uBPD mom's behavior makes me ill

[Depression = 72% of members]

My grandma Passed away yesterday, It was on my Dad's side, she was pretty sick but it still hurts a lot more than I thought it would.  Grief is a funny thing that way, one minute I am smiling the next I am in a puddle sobbing.

As a courtesy I let my uBPD mom know via text, because we have had little to no contact for about a month.  Grandma was my moms ex MIL so I felt she should at least know, response I got back was "she was a great lady, I always liked her, she will be missed" I answered back yes she was and thank you for your kind words.  Note she did not ask if I was ok or how I was doing but frankly I was not expecting her too.  An hour later I got a Text from her again that said  "Well, she was MY (extreme emphasis on the MY) MIL for 8 years" I kid you not I looked right at my Husband and Said, "well that took longer than I thought, Of Course she would find a way to make this about her".  I cannot wait for the Show that she is gonna put on at the wake, considering she hasn't talked to or really seen my Grandma in about 20 years other than in passing at major family events (my wedding, D and S baptisms).

Here I was thinking maybe she would show just a tiny bit of empathy or sympathy for me and I got slapped in the face yet again.  I am glad I did not follow through on my original plan to call her, I can only imagine the Cluster F*%k that would have been.

[donniesgrrl]

My grandma Passed away yesterday, It was on my Dad's side, she was pretty sick but it still hurts a lot more than I thought it would.  Grief is a funny thing that way, one minute I am smiling the next I am in a puddle sobbing.

As a courtesy I let my uBPD mom know via text, because we have had little to no contact for about a month.  Grandma was my moms ex MIL so I felt she should at least know, response I got back was "she was a great lady, I always liked her, she will be missed" I answered back yes she was and thank you for your kind words.  Note she did not ask if I was ok or how I was doing but frankly I was not expecting her too.  An hour later I got a Text from her again that said  "Well, she was MY (extreme emphasis on the MY) MIL for 8 years" I kid you not I looked right at my Husband and Said, "well that took longer than I thought, Of Course she would find a way to make this about her".  I cannot wait for the Show that she is gonna put on at the wake, considering she hasn't talked to or really seen my Grandma in about 20 years other than in passing at major family events (my wedding, D and S baptisms).

Here I was thinking maybe she would show just a tiny bit of empathy or sympathy for me and I got slapped in the face yet again.  I am glad I did not follow through on my original plan to call her, I can only imagine the Cluster F*%k that would have been.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  

Your mother probably didn't know how to really show you empathy, and I can understand why you're hurt that she tried to switch your focus to her needs. She might be grieving as well, but right now it's ok to focus on your own grief rather than hers. Hopefully you'll have some relatives that can help you deal with whatever may happen at the funeral/wake--is there anyone (a friend, another relative) who can help make sure that things go smoothly and keep an eye on your mother?

Again, I'm so sorry. Grandmas are special people.  

[donniesgrrl]

My Husband will be there, as well as my MIL and FIL, they are coming for me, and to help with the kids so I can focus on my dad and that side of the family.  There will be plenty of people there who are aware of the situation with Mom. 

To be honest I am less worried about myself than I am about my Dad and Aunts and Uncles.  She has not been a part of that family for over 20 years and rarely has anything nice to say about them to anyone and I know if she puts on a show it will hurt them because it is not genuine. 

The last time she saw my Grandma was 2 years ago at my sons baptism and she hardly spoke to her.  I will just roll with it, and if she shows up she shows up.  I am in a much different place than I was 6 months ago with all of this, and I am much better at letting what she says roll off my back but I would be lying if I didn't say that I was hurt/disgusted that she has not shown any empathy to me or my family about this.  I do realize though that it is part of the disorder and that she is unable to really see past herself in many ways.  I guess I was just hoping for a little more considering the situation.

[GeekyGirl]

I would be lying if I didn't say that I was hurt/disgusted that she has not shown any empathy to me or my family about this.  I do realize though that it is part of the disorder and that she is unable to really see past herself in many ways.  I guess I was just hoping for a little more considering the situation.

I know, and that's understandable. This is really a time where you could use some empathy and compassion, and even if you know that your mother isn't capable of being the mother you really want right now, it's frustrating. The good thing, though, is that there will be people there for you, and that will go a long way. Your DH sounds like he's very supportive, and your dad and your other relatives will have each other. Hopefully if/when your mother goes to the wake, her visit will be brief and non-eventful.

If you haven't already, maybe you can enlist one of your in-laws to keep a lookout for your mother and accompany her if she does attend the wake. If things get out of hand with your dad's family, your in-laws might be able to handle it and allow you the space/time you need to grieve. I've done this with my mother before (at our wedding and a few other gatherings), and it works rather well.

[Santa Clara]

I am so sorry you lost your grandma.

I am also so sorry your mother is not making this time easier for you.  Make sure you take care of yourself.

Hugs

[donniesgrrl]

Thank you! The Wake and funeral went ok, well as ok as a wake and funeral can go.  I didn't really cry too much until the Funeral, not sure why , but it seems to all hit me once everything has calmed down.  Today for example has been especially tough.  all of my family on my Dad's side are leaving today.  It makes it more difficult because I am not sure when I will see them again.

My mom did not show up which I was very glad for.  I think it would have been uncomfortable for everyone and to be honest we needed that space to be drama free so we could all grieve the way we needed to. 

She did however find a way to make her presence known, by sending a TM to my husband and I during the time of the wake asking "who smells chocolate? who will be joining us for Easter?" Now I realize that she sent this to everyone in the family but I mean really she has to manually enter all the names so I know that she very easily could have left us off and waited for a more appropriate time, however that is her MO, she always has to act like, I really don't care what is going on in YOUR life, I need to know what I need to know and now.  Such is life.  It is only more of an expected behavior at this point.

With that being said we are going to My Husbands family for Easter, and seeing how little she cared about my feelings or my needs during this really hard time, only makes me more confident that going low contact is the best thing.  Not having this toxic me, me, me, behavior in our lives has made it much easier to get through all of this.

[ScarletOlive]

I'm sorry for your loss. My grandma passed away several years ago so I understand.   I'm also sorry that you're struggling in your relationship with your mother right now. Good for you for making it through the ceremonies. It gets better with time.

Also, even in this tough time it's good that you're setting boundaries with your mother. It shows a great deal of emotional maturity to see yourself as an adult and in control of your life. This is a good article on boundaries that may be of help to you. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I know you're going through a lot right now, so only look at it when you are in a good head space. Please take good care, and give yourself the space and time you need to heal. Sending you lots of caring and support as you work through this.