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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Projection and Self-Fulfilling Prophesies  (Read 466 times)
daze
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 272



« on: March 15, 2013, 01:38:05 PM »

Hello,

My uBPDh from who I am separated but still in r/s with appears to be having mixed feelings about me and the r/s. Last night we are talking on the phone and he said, "you're not loving me very much."  I slipped and said, "you mean you're not loving me very much." Then I backtracked and asked him why he felt that way. He said I just feel differently to him. 

I'm stressed and tired from work and teenagers so I'm just gonna let him enjoy his kids this weekend and do my own thing.

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to validate and all that.

Daze
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blecker
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« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2013, 02:08:40 PM »

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to validate and all that.

Then don't.

The silly games BPD psyches play are tiresome at best.

Treat yourself to a bit of "self" time to recharge batteries and gain some perspective.
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sad but wiser
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 501



« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2013, 02:25:01 PM »

Dear Daze, what an uncomfortable position for you to be in!  Don't you feel like you are on a teeter-totter and he is sitting at the bottom, refusing to be lifted up?  Of course, you are different.  You are not as easily manipulated as you were, and to him that is "not loving." Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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LetItBe
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 390



« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2013, 04:15:43 PM »

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to validate and all that.

Good catch on the projection!  You're not responsible for validating him all the time.  It's important to validate ourselves, too.
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daze
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 272



« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2013, 06:20:46 PM »

Yes, I'm going to validate myself and spend some "me" time and some "kid" time.

It's interesting how the projection can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  He wasn't feeling very loving toward me, made it obvious, and now I'm not feeling very loving toward him.

Now, I will have to tactfully explain why I'm good with staying local this weekend. SET, no JADE.  Don't know if I'm strong enough to pull it off. 
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