Projection and Self-Fulfilling Prophesies

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

My uBPDh from who I am separated but still in r/s with appears to be having mixed feelings about me and the r/s. Last night we are talking on the phone and he said, "you're not loving me very much."  I slipped and said, "you mean you're not loving me very much." Then I backtracked and asked him why he felt that way. He said I just feel differently to him. 

I'm stressed and tired from work and teenagers so I'm just gonna let him enjoy his kids this weekend and do my own thing.

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to validate and all that.

Daze

[daze]

Hello,

My uBPDh from who I am separated but still in r/s with appears to be having mixed feelings about me and the r/s. Last night we are talking on the phone and he said, "you're not loving me very much."  I slipped and said, "you mean you're not loving me very much." Then I backtracked and asked him why he felt that way. He said I just feel differently to him. 

I'm stressed and tired from work and teenagers so I'm just gonna let him enjoy his kids this weekend and do my own thing.

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to validate and all that.

Daze

[blecker]

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to validate and all that.

Then don't.

The silly games BPD psyches play are tiresome at best.

Treat yourself to a bit of "self" time to recharge batteries and gain some perspective.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Daze, what an uncomfortable position for you to be in!  Don't you feel like you are on a teeter-totter and he is sitting at the bottom, refusing to be lifted up?  Of course, you are different.  You are not as easily manipulated as you were, and to him that is "not loving."

[LetItBe]

Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to validate and all that.

Good catch on the projection!  You're not responsible for validating him all the time.  It's important to validate ourselves, too.

[daze]

Yes, I'm going to validate myself and spend some "me" time and some "kid" time.

It's interesting how the projection can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  He wasn't feeling very loving toward me, made it obvious, and now I'm not feeling very loving toward him.

Now, I will have to tactfully explain why I'm good with staying local this weekend. SET, no JADE.  Don't know if I'm strong enough to pull it off.