Why does she act this way?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was hoping to solicit your perspectives once again.  I have learned more about my BPDexgf's relationship with my replacement and I just cannot figure out what she's doing.  She is in a relationship with a guy whom she is not in love with, has no long term plans with, and does not consider her boyfriend.  But, they have a very active physical relationship.  My question is why?  Why would a smart, outgoing, beautiful woman willingly give her body to a guy whom she doesn't love and isn't her boyfriend, but is more than a simple friend?  BTW - he's totally comfortable with this arrangement as well... .  

I have read as much as I can about this and intellectually get it, but it's still so hard for me to totally accept given the fact that we were together for 4.5 years and I never saw this side of her.  I never could have imagined that she would have sex with someone just for the fun of it with no permanent commitment on either side.  Am I just plain stupid?  I realize that I should stop thinking about what she's doing, as she is obviously disordered.  The challenge for me is that I thought I knew her so well and thought she had more self respect than this.

[Confusedandhurt]

I was hoping to solicit your perspectives once again.  I have learned more about my BPDexgf's relationship with my replacement and I just cannot figure out what she's doing.  She is in a relationship with a guy whom she is not in love with, has no long term plans with, and does not consider her boyfriend.  But, they have a very active physical relationship.  My question is why?  Why would a smart, outgoing, beautiful woman willingly give her body to a guy whom she doesn't love and isn't her boyfriend, but is more than a simple friend?  BTW - he's totally comfortable with this arrangement as well... .  

I have read as much as I can about this and intellectually get it, but it's still so hard for me to totally accept given the fact that we were together for 4.5 years and I never saw this side of her.  I never could have imagined that she would have sex with someone just for the fun of it with no permanent commitment on either side.  Am I just plain stupid?  I realize that I should stop thinking about what she's doing, as she is obviously disordered.  The challenge for me is that I thought I knew her so well and thought she had more self respect than this.

[Clearmind]

My first question would be – how do you know all this?

C&H, you really don’t know your exGF, hell, she doesn’t even know herself. You only know what she portrayed herself to be - she's a chameleon. She lacks an authentic self and will turn into a completely different person depending on the situation.

A meaningless relationship will be less of a trigger.

She will never be consistent and you my friend will forever chase the rainbow trying to understand how her mind works.

[lost007]

Hurts my friend but apparently she likes sex. My stbex acts as if I am all whenever wanted. History has shown and will show again that she will willingly have casual sex. It's something I struggle to keep out of my head. It's a battle.

[Confusedandhurt]

I found about this through a couple of mutual friends.  She was telling them about the great sex she was having, yet at the same time being adamant that he wasn't her boyfriend.  It was also consistent with some of the things she told me in our last phone conversation.  It's just so different than my own values and what I thought her values were that I wanted to ask others about it.  It's still hard to grasp, but I suppose I'm trying to apply logic to an illogical mind.  Like so many others have said - radical acceptance of the disorder and remembering that she's an emotional 3 year old.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Clearmind]

Confused, sex to a Borderline is very confusing for us to get our minds around.

Sex can be used as a weapon to get what they want, it can be used to help them self-regulate and self soothe.

What it doesn't do is create intimacy and closeness necessary for a healthy relationship.

It's just so different than my own values and what I thought her values were that I wanted to ask others about it.  

There are probably more values of hers that are different to yours. It didn't work out for a reason.

I do understand how difficult it is to get your head around it. Trust me I know - you will be fine however processing these hurts will help you move forward.

Be kind to you

[lost007]

Keep in mind her values will shift. What is ok one day will not be the next day. She is a cameleon and will adapt to the surroundings. She will also seek attention and as hard as it is to consider-that will likely be in the bedroom sooner than later. It's hard enough to accept with a normal breakup. With a breakup with BPD its exponentially harder. I'm in the midst of divorce and have to be very mindful of how this is going to feel when it  hits me as well.

[grad]

The other part of the problem I've read with all these posts is that who knows what she says is what she really wants or feels?  Women love challenges and it seems that this guy fits the bill.  Perhaps he's expendable, perhaps she does want the r/s which is why she says he's not her boyfriend.  The label is on her mind otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it.  Also by not having labels and responsibility with this new r/s she doesn't feel suffocated or overwhelmed and can just enjoy whatever it is they have together.

Don't try to make sense of what people do after your r/s has ended with them.  You never TRULY know what's going on in their mind and just have to accept what they DO as fact.  Actions speak louder than words.