Thought it was getting better... it's not

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here's my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196605.0

It's been over a month now since she left. I haven't tried contacting her in over a week now, and she blocked me on Facebook and was largely ignoring my texts anyways. I was not a very happy person before I met her, which explains why I was willing to put up with so much. I have my own self-worth issues. And during the relationship, I tended to be the one who'd get angry, especially near the end in arguments. Maybe it's the whole "BPD is contagious" thing, I don't know. But her "main" reason for leaving was that she has redevoted her life to God since starting AA (which had been going on for all of 50 some days). Anyways, I still can't stop thinking about her. She was literally everything to me (I've been reading a book on Codependency). I've been going to therapy. My therapist tells me that even if she were to eventually want to reconcile, I shouldn't give in and that I'm much better off without her. But, I know that if she were to ever want to get back together, I wouldn't be strong enough to say no. And I can't seem to let go of that "if"... .  

[mtmc01]

Here's my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196605.0

It's been over a month now since she left. I haven't tried contacting her in over a week now, and she blocked me on Facebook and was largely ignoring my texts anyways. I was not a very happy person before I met her, which explains why I was willing to put up with so much. I have my own self-worth issues. And during the relationship, I tended to be the one who'd get angry, especially near the end in arguments. Maybe it's the whole "BPD is contagious" thing, I don't know. But her "main" reason for leaving was that she has redevoted her life to God since starting AA (which had been going on for all of 50 some days). Anyways, I still can't stop thinking about her. She was literally everything to me (I've been reading a book on Codependency). I've been going to therapy. My therapist tells me that even if she were to eventually want to reconcile, I shouldn't give in and that I'm much better off without her. But, I know that if she were to ever want to get back together, I wouldn't be strong enough to say no. And I can't seem to let go of that "if"... .  

[GreenMango]

It takes time to adjust to the shock sometimes and sorting through those feelings.

Sounds like you have good support and are doing the right things with the books and counseling.

Did your therapist give you advice on how to feel stronger?

[mango_flower]

It seems that co-dependency is the norm in a lot of these relationships... .  it's hard, but it's good you've at least worked that bit out - now you can work on healthier relationships!

You WILL get there... .  at first I would have done anything to have my girl back - even eloping to marry her to "Prove" to her how much I loved her... .  

But it wasn't enough.

Have you read up on the FOG ideas?  Sometimes we don't see things clearly whilst we're still in the fog.

I'm now at the place where I know I can't ever get back with her (not that she would want to, she is now engaged to somebody else).  Doesn't stop me wishing though. But I want the old her back, not the person she is now... .  and that old her no longer exists   If she were to change her mind tomorrow, I like to think I'd say NO... .  it'd be heartbreaking though.  I'd want so much to have faith in  us again... .  but logically I know I could never trust her.  So now I'm going through the grieving stage - for what we had, for what I thought we were.

Take this day at a time. You will get there.  It's baby steps.

Lean on us here as much as you like - ask questions - read a lot.

You will see, at some point, no matter how much you love her, and what a great girl she is without her issues, that you deserve better... .  xxx

[Pou]

She has her own life script that she is playing out.  She is racing down the track and if you try to slow her down, you will get hurt.  Her script has no room for you and if you get in there wanting to be included, you will get hurt again and again until she destroys you.  How do you tell a scorpion not to sting?  How do you tell a tiger not to bite?  People with personality disorder has an askew perception of the world and their love ones.  I went through the same emotions as you ... .  I asked what in my life permitted me to be treated the way my NPD spouse treating me?  I think I found my answers ... and they are very unpleasant, but helpful ... in dealing with current situation.  Until you know what your own problem is for allowing this to happen, you can not really manage it. Keep in mind, I am still going through this myself and above is just my 2 cents.  Take advice from people who are smarter than me ... .  you will find many and I wish you luck in dealing with your situation.  I think we all need luck (for nons).

[mtmc01]

It's been really difficult in coming to terms with my part in everything. It's easy to try and blame her BPD for the way things ended up, but that's just not the whole truth. I never really handled our arguments or conflict well, and I was always very stubborn. I was very controlling and codependent, and even though I often felt justified by what I'd find when I'd go prodding around, it was still wrong. Part of this was due to my own insecurity I think and the fact this was the first time I'd ever been involved with someone so seriously. I didn't go to Al-Anon while she was drinking, and I'd usually just get angry and wonder why she couldn't stop, rather than understanding WHY she was drinking in the first place. She did actually grow in a lot of ways as a person in the time we were together and became much more independent and not as reliant on her overbearing mother. At the end, I was picking at stupid things she was doing or saying why couldn't she do something this or that way, which was essentially a ticking time bomb with all of her insecurities. She was throwing in clues like "do you feel trapped?", "are you happy with me?", "do you still want to get married?". I was living under the false assumption she'd never leave, due to all of the times she professed her undying love for me and said she couldn't live without me. It's hard not to wonder what things would have been like had I been more there for her at the end. What killed me was that I didn't get a chance and was now just another terrible guy who had mistreated her in her life. And now according to friends all she does is post Bible verses on Facebook, which she'd never done before. She's using religion as a means to block out all of the hurt and find love elsewhere. Ugh.