Tips on how to deal with uninvited visits?

[Awakening23]

Hi I've been no contact for almost a year now with my UBPD mother.I've made great progress and am over the depression I suffered from for six months until the end of last year. Therapy helped a great deal with the resurgence of memories of abuse suffered as a child.

My brother and sister in law are in low contact with my mother having been no contact for a number of years. My sister in law wants everything to be nice and for me to be involved and I understand she is coming from a good place but I in no way want to be in a relationship with my mother.

Last night I received a message from my sister in law talking about my mum and how my mum is considering just turning up at my door. My sister in law had encouraged this. I made it very clear that this is something I defiantly do not want. I am now fearful she will do just that and turn up. I'm 4 almost 5 months pregnant with my second child ( which she doesn't know) and I really don't want her turning up and then finding out I'm pregnant. I feel I will have to hide. I find this very stressful. This is my home and I want to feel safe.

Does anyone else have experience of this and what did you do?

Many thanks

[DesertChild]

Make it very clear that you will not let her into the house. Do not let her in through your front door. And also consider calling the police.

Make a plan... .  What will you do when she shows up? Find a plan that works for you.

Also talk to your Sister-in-law and give her consequences for this action. It sounds like your boundaries with her are not clear enough to her for her to do this. You'll have to be more firm and put down consequences for her too.

I had to do that recently for my Aunt. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that it is not happening. This may be something you want to ask to role play with your therapist as well.

Boundaries are for you. The people who care about you will respect them.

[P.F.Change]

I agree w/DesertChild. You may need to tell SIL that you do not welcome her interference and that it will negatively affect your relationship with her if she chooses not to respect your request.  It seems quite possible that your bro has picked someone just like your mother, who has no need for boundaries. You may need a plan for her as well in terms of your boundaries.

You don't open the door when unwelcome visitors show up.  You ask law enforcement for help removing tresspassers from your property. You seek protective orders when you are stalked and harassed. Tell your SIL this or not... .  just have a plan to look after you so that you know what to do if it happens.

What plan makes you feel safe?

PF

[Awakening23]

Thanks for your responses. I think not answering the door is the only real option for me. I really wouldn't like to get to the point of calling law enforcement though I can see how it could become the only option in an extreme situation. Boundaries are something my mother does not understand. She believes as her daughter she has the right to impose on me whenever she chooses. This is a major part of why i could not continue with a relationship with her. Once I let her in to my life again she dominated it. I was led by the FOG. That guilt still creeps in to my conscious, I wish it would completely leave me.

Interestingly enough my brother has chosen to not let my mum have his telephone number and she doesn't know their address. He doesn't want my mum to be able to step other those boundaries with him and she's not able to with only my SIL mobile number. Unfortunately I live close to my mum and she knows all my numbers which I can't change due to work. I did receive crank calls I believe to be from her but they stoped some time back.

I dread just even bumping in to her locally and I avoid going past her house even if it's on my route somewhere. I wish she didn't instill fear in me and I felt no strong emotion at all. It would be easier to cope with then.

[DesertChild]

This may be difficult, but is there any way you can find a local support system? Is there someone you can call that can help you locally that can help?

From what you wrote, it looks like you are also afraid to set up a plan. But remember that you come first.

Also, I noticed that you didn't address the problem of your SIL--which is not to press you, but to show that maybe you aren't addressing your boundaries? Definitely let your therapist know about the situation and let her help you come up with a reasonable plan. And let her practice with you. It helped me.

[Awakening23]

I guess I'm just hoping it will all go away by itself and I can carry on with my life blissfully unaware of my mother. My SILs comment reminded me how it's all just still there waiting to resurface at anytime. It was my lack of boundary setting in the first place that led to this but as I'm sure we are all too aware BPD relationships become very complicated and it's only when we look back at a distance we can see just how manipulated and controlled we were. I know that will never happen again to me, my eyes are wide open. I will think further on boundaries and make sure they stay firmly in place. Thank you for your input.

It seems to me it's just an ongoing lesson throughout our lives when we are born into these difficult family dynamics. I will always endeavour to create a harmonious environment for my children. I think once you have your own children it hits home so hard how messed up our own childhoods were and how much control our parents can have over us even after they die. Learning to let go is so important as is knowing we are totally separate from that madness.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Awakening23, I hear your fear and need for safety, and think it's good that you know your limits. I know it's tough when unanticipated contact comes up. Good for you for setting boundaries like NC and not answering the door. You are stepping up as an adult to take care of yourself and stay safe and that is so huge.

I think not answering the door is the only real option for me. I really wouldn't like to get to the point of calling law enforcement though I can see how it could become the only option in an extreme situation. Boundaries are something my mother does not understand. She believes as her daughter she has the right to impose on me whenever she chooses.

When you set boundaries with your mother, what happens? Do you have a consequence that will occur if your mother crosses the line you set? In this situation, it sounds like the consequence you could communicate would be, "Mom, if you show up at my house unannounced, I will call law enforcement." I'm not sure if you've seen this workshop, but it's really helpful for boundaries-knowing how to set them, gaining confidence in yourself, and enjoying the peace they bring: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Sending you lots of caring and support.

[Deb]

um, ScarletOlive, she is NC with her mother, why would she want to break NC? 

Awakening, how about you tell SIL that if mother shows up at your door, you will call the police? That way, the message gets to mother and you don't have to break NC. Or, if you can afford an attoprney visit, see if you can get them to send mother a letter saying if she comes to your house, it will be considered harrassment and you will take legal action.

[Awakening23]

I will let my SIL know in no uncertain terms that I do not want a visit from my mother when I see her next. I do feel myself tense up when I see someone walk past my house I don't know thinking is it her. The problem I have with calling law enforcement would be the probable perceived absurdity of creating a big deal over a 72 year old elderly woman turning up at my door. A woman who isn't well either (mentally). Despite all the anxiety I have allowed her to cause me over the years and her total deformation of my character I do not want to give her ammunition to then create more bad mouthing about  me. She has absolutely no idea that what she has done or does is wrong or abusive. She can not take responsibility and never will. If I called the police on her it would further add to her thinking that I'm a terrible despicable person. I shouldn't let that bother me I guess but hopefully if she does turn up I can deal with it without calling the police. I suppose if she tried repetitively I would then have to think again on that one.

When we were NC for 10 years before and not long after my fathers death when stupidly I let her know my address she turned up once at my house and I wasn't in, my partner at the time dealt with it. I remember when we re engaged a year or so later she went on about how rude my partner was when she turned up that day. What did she expect? A welcome party and him to invite her in for a drink and slice of cake? Yeah you haven't been there for your daughter since she was 16 years old and a disordered and abusive mother before that but it's all about her and her feelings. I'll never understand this disorder, it sure is a selfish one! I'm so glad i found out about it though. No matter how many times people tell me im ok and my mother is messed up there is always that niggle but "is it me". Its taken a long time to understand what has been going on with her and it's good to share on this site. Once again thanks for all your input.

[Clearmind]

In a year, 5 years or 10 years from now the same situation could surface – I can completely understand this is a trigger – I would feel the same.

Awakening, setting the boundary is logistical – how are you coping emotionally? What comes up for you – this is the really important part to process. We need to heal and be confident in our decisions – on an emotional level.

[Awakening23]

I've come a long way from a year a go. After the fall out with my mother which had been on the cards for a long time all the repressed memories of abuse came flooding back. All the memories I'd repressed in order to form a relationship with my mother again. I thought I was doing the good thing by doing this but now realise that they could never stay buried forever. I was ruminating a lot and getting flashbacks. With the help of councelling and hypnotherapy I got back on track. As part of that journey I applied to retrieve my old social work files from when I was in foster care and it was extremely enlightening and shocking about my mother and fathers mental state. What comes up for me from reading this the most are comments about me spoken by my father regarding me as a baby. How I cried all the time and was extremely demanding. I worry about how I was treated as a baby which of course I will never remember. It frightens me. I've spoken to my brother (who is 7 years older than me)  about our childhoods and he told me about some emotional and physical abuse that i would not remember but is reluctant to dig too deep in to it as its brings back the old feelings for him.  I respect him on this and don't probe further but there are so many unanswered questions. I want to confront my mother but I know this will never happen and what's the point. She would never listen or hear  what I say. My therapist suggested I write a letter and then burn it after. Rid myself of it forever. I guess the worst bit for me emotionally is never having the validation from my mother of all that went on and her accepting fault. The years we spent back in contact I put it all aside and danced to her tune forever trying to please her and not looking after myself. I feel like a fool now to have allowed this to happen. Being co dependant, the inner child in me so wanted my mother to be proud of me and now once I had to instill some boundaries she goes back to the way she always really was. Accepting my mother is not well helps a lot to understand but it also bothers me that she can't see that in herself. It's never her fault always others. There is no logic in her thinking and never any responsibility for her actions despite all the evidence. Even when she ran over a woman in her car who was on the pavement a couple of years ago she blamed the woman and had no remorse. It's just so hard to understand. I would like to get to to a place emotionally where I've just let it all go and am at peace. Is that truly possible Clearmind? How is that achievable?

[Clearmind]

Awakening, it is absolutely possible. I’m sorry you hold so much grief inside.

Grieving our childhoods is vey part of the process. I grieved, I cried, I got angry – man I got angry. In the end I made a very conscious decision – to no longer live by the conditions set by my parents.

For many of us here on the parents board – we are adults however our emotional state, capacity for processing is very much steeped in childhood trauma. We need to begin to consciously separate from our parents and find our own path. Our childhoods will forever hold us back if we are not conscious to how it has shaped us.

When you find yourself ruminating, grieving about what your parents did or didn’t do, how they hurt you – hug yourself and chat to the little Awakening23 still inside you. She needs nurturing – self talk really is one of the biggest things that has helped me. Write it down – get it out of your head. Ask your little self where the hurt is coming from, ask her what she needs now to make her feel better – you have the personal power to change your perspective.

We need to relinquish those faulty beliefs that have us stuck - it takes some effort - when we begin to ruminate about our parents we need to shift the focus more to our healing. You cannot change the past Awakening however you can change your present  .

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[Awakening23]

Here's to a future free from the pain  thanks Clearmind for your wise words