She doesn't seem phased by seeing me

[Depression = 72% of members]

She's coming down to my town on the weekend to see a friend.

She emailed to say she'll be bringing back something I lent her, which is something I COULD do without but it's something I would rather have back.

In return, I have her mail here, and some bits and bobs I found.

She asked if I'd be in, I said I'd be out and about but that I'd leave it in the shed for her, and she can leave my item there too.

She said that'd be brilliant, and it would be awesome if she got to see me and a shame if not, but maybe catch up soon.

I am just gobsmacked to be honest.

She acts like none of this has happened.

Like we were only ever friends.

Remember, this is the girl I was going to marry, who I am still deeply in love with, even though I would never take her back.

I don't know why it bothers me.  I know I'm not ready to see her, so I shall be out when she calls.

But it's just the fact that she seems to nonplussed by it... .  like, she's completely over me (which she appears to be, seeing as she's now getting married to somebody else!).  It hurts like hell.  She spoke to me (over email) like I was just any other old friend... .  

I understand she has moved on.  I understand that she has put me in a little box and is refusing to look back.

But could she not at least feel any remorse?  She must know I'm still hurting... .  yet she seems to think that because HER life is all fine and dandy, that everyone else must feel the same... .  how can they just do that?  Act like it was all nothing... .  

The worst thing is that she said she may pop into the sporting event I'm in on the Sunday if she's still down here, and say hi to everyone (we used to be on the same team).  It completely floors me.  They have seen what she has done, and every single one of them are disappointed in her, shocked she has got engaged so soon and think she is out of order for flaunting it all over facebook!  I haven't said a word to them about how hurt I am, though they have seen me in tears a few times.

Is she really that thick skinned that she hasn't picked up on the wall of silence from them all since she left?  Does she really think she will be greeted with hugs and "Oh, we've missed you!"s?

I am just incredulous at her lack of insight... .  it floors me.

I'm hurt... .  can she for once not think of somebody else first, rather than the fact she is now happy, and maybe consider it might not be good for me to see her?

I am left feeling like I meant nothing... .  like I'm just somebody she used to know.  Urgh.  Ouch.

[mango_flower]

She's coming down to my town on the weekend to see a friend.

She emailed to say she'll be bringing back something I lent her, which is something I COULD do without but it's something I would rather have back.

In return, I have her mail here, and some bits and bobs I found.

She asked if I'd be in, I said I'd be out and about but that I'd leave it in the shed for her, and she can leave my item there too.

She said that'd be brilliant, and it would be awesome if she got to see me and a shame if not, but maybe catch up soon.

I am just gobsmacked to be honest.

She acts like none of this has happened.

Like we were only ever friends.

Remember, this is the girl I was going to marry, who I am still deeply in love with, even though I would never take her back.

I don't know why it bothers me.  I know I'm not ready to see her, so I shall be out when she calls.

But it's just the fact that she seems to nonplussed by it... .  like, she's completely over me (which she appears to be, seeing as she's now getting married to somebody else!).  It hurts like hell.  She spoke to me (over email) like I was just any other old friend... .  

I understand she has moved on.  I understand that she has put me in a little box and is refusing to look back.

But could she not at least feel any remorse?  She must know I'm still hurting... .  yet she seems to think that because HER life is all fine and dandy, that everyone else must feel the same... .  how can they just do that?  Act like it was all nothing... .  

The worst thing is that she said she may pop into the sporting event I'm in on the Sunday if she's still down here, and say hi to everyone (we used to be on the same team).  It completely floors me.  They have seen what she has done, and every single one of them are disappointed in her, shocked she has got engaged so soon and think she is out of order for flaunting it all over facebook!  I haven't said a word to them about how hurt I am, though they have seen me in tears a few times.

Is she really that thick skinned that she hasn't picked up on the wall of silence from them all since she left?  Does she really think she will be greeted with hugs and "Oh, we've missed you!"s?

I am just incredulous at her lack of insight... .  it floors me.

I'm hurt... .  can she for once not think of somebody else first, rather than the fact she is now happy, and maybe consider it might not be good for me to see her?

I am left feeling like I meant nothing... .  like I'm just somebody she used to know.  Urgh.  Ouch.

[clairedair]

so much for the controlled contact you were hoping to have while you detached... .  

It is astounding the way that you are expected to act as if everything is OK.  And if you say you're not or act like you are not, the chances are she'll go in the huff because you're not ecstatically happy for her. 

I've know about BPD for years and read everything - seen the posts here etc.  And yet I still can't get my head around how our exes can behave as if there's something wrong with us for not moving on instantly just because they can.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. 

There have been times when I knew ex was coming to house (we have children so he sometimes picks them up) and decided to stay in because I didn't want him to know that I was struggling but it always made me feel worse.  Now, I tend to be out and not care what he thinks.  I only care how I feel.

How do you feel about telling her that you're not ready to see her?  Just because she thinks it would be 'awesome' to see you (!) doesn't mean that you have to.  You are allowed to feel and say that it would be the total opposite of awesome to see her.

take care

[blecker]

I am just incredulous at her lack of insight... .  it floors me.

I'm hurt... .  can she for once not think of somebody else first, rather than the fact she is now happy, and maybe consider it might not be good for me to see her?

I am left feeling like I meant nothing... .  like I'm just somebody she used to know.  Urgh.  Ouch.

She has insight. But it it totally self serving.

She is not happy. She has never been happy and until she gets the help she needs, she never will be. Everything is a mask.

You did mean something. You were there when she needed you. Now she doesn't.

I know its hard mango. These are emotional pits we enter and to escape takes time, help and lots of healing. Just remember, you are a good person who fell in Love with a very ill person.

You cannot make her better.

[Vegasskydiver]

But could she not at least feel any remorse?  She must know I'm still hurting... .  yet she seems to think that because HER life is all fine and dandy, that everyone else must feel the same... .  how can they just do that?  Act like it was all nothing... .  


I am just incredulous at her lack of insight... .  it floors me.

I'm hurt... .  can she for once not think of somebody else first, rather than the fact she is now happy, and maybe consider it might not be good for me to see her?

I am left feeling like I meant nothing... .  like I'm just somebody she used to know.  Urgh.  Ouch. [/quote]
Mango Flower, I am so sorry for the pain that she has caused you.  Isn't it incredable that our BPD ex's are so blind to others around them.  Ot is like their whole world revolves around them and F*** everyone else.  I hurts... .  it hurts really bad.  My exBPDbf posted an ad on Match.com and posted photos that Ihad taken of him last summer on his boat and dated them as Feb 2013, like that time together never existed.  He said things on the ad that were very personal and it really hurt.  Then he e-mailed me a link to his ad to make sure that I saw it.  He wanted to make sure he dug the knife in my back just a little bit deeper... .  I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take all of our pain away.  Its been 2 months NC and it feels some days like I am going to emplode.

I think that you are doing the right thing by not seeing your ex.  i know for me personally, if I had to see my ex, it would just make the pain that much deeper.

[Seb]

I am just incredulous at her lack of insight... .  it floors me.

I'm hurt... .  can she for once not think of somebody else first, rather than the fact she is now happy, and maybe consider it might not be good for me to see her?

I am left feeling like I meant nothing... .  like I'm just somebody she used to know.  Urgh.  Ouch.

She has insight. But it it totally self serving.

She is not happy. She has never been happy and until she gets the help she needs, she never will be. Everything is a mask.

You did mean something. You were there when she needed you. Now she doesn't.

I know its hard mango. These are emotional pits we enter and to escape takes time, help and lots of healing. Just remember, you are a good person who fell in Love with a very ill person.

You cannot make her better.

Exactly. Very well said.

Her lack of insight isn't intentional. It's mind-boggling when we finally discover that there are people out there that act this way - probably because being so selfish and unkind would never occur to most of us here. It's a real wake-up call.

Blecker is right, you fell in love with a very ill person, we all did. It is the worst feeling in the world and a very bitter pill to swallow... .  but she is not right for you. You are such a kind and loving person, you deserve so much more than this. Please, just value yourself more, so that you will never allow anyone to ever treat you like this again.

It will get easier, one day at a time. But for now, lay down some boundaries - you tell her what level of contact you're comfortable with and stick with it. If you don't want to see her, it's your choice. Tough what she says - she's made her choice. If she sends you inappropriate emails, tell her they're inappropriate (or ignore). You let her know that you have boundaries, and what you will tolerate, and what you wont. You are not breaking any promise to her by doing this. You are finally loving yourself enough to stand up for you - I promise you, you are more than worth it.

She is unhappy - let her figure it out. You are being kinder to her in the long run if you let her face her problems. 

[willy45]

Agreed. Her behavior is strange and who knows what is going through her head. But she certainly wants to keep you hooked. Good for you for keeping your boundaries firm.

[mango_flower]

Thank you all for your words - I read every reply a few times now.

I think it's so confusing cos I didn't see the "ill" when I fell in love with her, she was temporarily cured by being so happy- so those are the days I like to go back to in my head. x

[pallavirajsinghani]

You are being recycled.  Nothing has changed in this dance if you allow yourself to be recycled.  Hope is the most seductive of all emotions.  It's sure is stronger than a Siren's song.  You will tell yourself,  "Well, what's the harm in seeing her for a short while?"  "Well, what if she has rediscovered the value of my love for her?"  "Well, what if she has changed indeed?"  "Well, what if... .  what if... .  "

You will give yourself a million reasons to see her again.

Hope... .  is dangerous.  Like gambling, the house always wins.  In this relationship, the disease will always win.

[HarmKrakow]

Thank you all for your words - I read every reply a few times now.

I think it's so confusing cos I didn't see the "ill" when I fell in love with her, she was temporarily cured by being so happy- so those are the days I like to go back to in my head. x

Mango_flower, we have been following each others posts a little and I can say that in regards of you, you seem to fall back in the same emotional deadlock, where you one moment feel okay, the other moment when you read a topic here you realize it's over and better that you guys don't continue, and then maybe have a good morning at your work and then you feel good again, but then a tiny thing can trigger you completely (a fully 100%) back in your emotional fragile stance where you again dramatize and put her on a pedestal, although maybe not admitting her, those feelings (which aren't rational) you are expressing here for her, are still 'old' issues of filling a void within you which wasn't healthy to begin with.

Me on the other hand, I see so much familiarity in the posts of you, moments of feeling good, than something completely sh!t ... than even worse ... so we post here ... so someone replies and says we aint the crazy one. I however have to admit that I might be one phase further (back or forth, doesn't matter) because that emotional stance is a bit behind me but has gone taken over by complete depression.

You wan't to get rid of those hyper emotions, try anti-depressants, they will make sure those very high 'highs' and low 'lows' will go away.

I can't live with the daily pain anymore. I have had enough. I can honestly say I rather go away than stay. Won't post here anymore either, friends who will once read my posts from the beginning till now have a nice story to read and understand (they won't agree) with what i'll try. Give or take a few weeks back, I woke up with wanting to have her back, now with a bit of LC up and forth and a lot of reading and therapist visits weeks later I realize the disorder always win, she is the crazy one, however It sucked all the energy and fire out of me... I want you to realize that this girl, will never understand your problems because she can't feel empathy with you. She doesn't understand you but you live still in the past thus therefore you expect certain behavior towards you. Well i'm sorry to burst bubbles, but that is never going to happen again unless SHE fixes herself.

Please make sure the moment you realize that this dream, which you are dying from mentally (slowly), is no more, that you don't let yourself get dragged down under by life like I did. Make sure you have a sort of social control on you, if not daily at least weekly. I don't care if it's internet of real life. Make sure people expect things from you, and therefore keep you and yourself above the table and not underneath it like what happened to me so you won't do what I'll do.

thanks Suzn, Whatwasthat,

peace

[clairedair]

Hope... .  is dangerous.  Like gambling, the house always wins.  In this relationship, the disease will always win.

I agree. 

I remember ex telling me during one of our recycles that I only wanted him when he was wanted by someone else.  I replied that the ex-gf wasn't the competition; if I was competing, it was with the dis-ease within him/his 'demons'.  When we had this conversation, I was already losing the latest battle.  Now I want to feel like I've lost the war so I can move on to enjoy 'peacetime'.

I think it's so confusing cos I didn't see the "ill" when I fell in love with her, she was temporarily cured by being so happy-

Happiness didn't/can't cure her - even temporarily - it can distract her from her own pain temporarily.

What about your happiness?  What can you do to move towards a healthier and happier you? 

Remembering the good times is a tempting way to alleviate current pain - but it just brings more pain because the good times are gone and there is little realistic possibility of them returning (at least not on a consistent/long-term basis) and we're totally confused about why they disappeared in the first place and why ex is now having good times with someone else. 

This is really hard - I'm trying to tell myself these things too! 

take care

Claire