Help me so I don't communicate with him

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Going on 3 weeks of breakup.  Trying not to communicate but so hard.

Yesterday he tells me he has an appointment close by my house and he will swing by early in am to pick up stuff... .  i'm to leave outside for him.  I ask what time he will be by and he gets flustered and says "oh, just forget it".  He says I will never hear from him again... .  the end.

I am suspicious about the appt. he said he had so I call to confirm... .  guess what, he lied... .  he didn't have the appointment as he proclaimed. 

I'm positive he lied so he could spent the day with his married girlfriend who he has been having the emotional affair with. 

I just get a text acting like nothing ever happened  "Hey sexy lady, blah, blah, blah"  What the heck?  What am I suppose to do with that? 

Please help me rationalize so I don't respond... .  please, I'm going crazy here

[healingmyheart]

Going on 3 weeks of breakup.  Trying not to communicate but so hard.

Yesterday he tells me he has an appointment close by my house and he will swing by early in am to pick up stuff... .  i'm to leave outside for him.  I ask what time he will be by and he gets flustered and says "oh, just forget it".  He says I will never hear from him again... .  the end.

I am suspicious about the appt. he said he had so I call to confirm... .  guess what, he lied... .  he didn't have the appointment as he proclaimed. 

I'm positive he lied so he could spent the day with his married girlfriend who he has been having the emotional affair with. 

I just get a text acting like nothing ever happened  "Hey sexy lady, blah, blah, blah"  What the heck?  What am I suppose to do with that? 

Please help me rationalize so I don't respond... .  please, I'm going crazy here

[healingmyheart]

OK, so I just got another mile long text which starts out "please reply - I'm asking kindly... .  god is telling him not to let go.  His mistake he made will make us stronger... .  

I can't take this anymore.

Please, someone reach out to me.  I'm really struggling today.  Feeling very alone and I need someone to guide me right now. 

[Sunshinegirl3275]

Hello,

I've been where you are right now and I feel your pain. Don't do it because every time you recycle with him it will make it harder and harder for you to be free.

You are a strong woman and you deserve a man that will treat you like a queen. He is broken and you cannot fix him, no matter what you do.

I know this is so difficult, but be true to yourself. Your happiness does not involve him. Love yourself more.

I'm pulling for you!

[healingmyheart]

Thank you sunshine girl... .  why is this so hard?  I know I shouldn't want him.  I know he is poison but it's like an addiction.

I just got another text... .  btw, I love you... .  STOP IT! 

I can't stop crying... .  

[Sunshinegirl3275]

Be strong... .  just remember that punch in the stomach feeling he gives you when he's with someone else.

It is an addiction and believe it or not the cure is no contact. Let your head clear. If he's like my guy was, he says all the right things, but sooner or later he will hurt you.

I good friend that helped save me told me to read the story about the frog and the scorpian. You should read it and see if it applies to you.

Love cannot fix the bad behavior and he will continue to cross your personal boundries until he runs your battery dry. I have been there and narrowly escaped with my life!

I'm still pulling for you!

[Cimbaruns]

I have absolutely been where you are right now Stolemysoul... .  

I tried very very hard to realize that her "out of control emotions" were ALL about her.

They have absolutely no control ... .  nor do they understand what it does to you... .  they have NO control over them whatsoever... .  

Lots of times I felt like I was having mini panic attacks and it was so debilitating as you describe... .  

Some of the things my T told me ... .  was to... .  BREATHE and MOVE. ... .  which helped immensely!

I also found that once I was able to resist the temptation to read anything she sent it allowed me to take some huge steps forward

It's an extremely hard place to be ... .  I totally get it...

Try the BREATHING AND MOVING thing... .  

I'm pulling for you too Stolemysoul... .  I know you can get through this... and all of us are here for you!

PEACE

[seeking balance]

Ok Ok - you are triggered - and it has happened to us all.

take a deep breath - go into your wise mind so you can take control of your life.

The solution:

text him his stuff is outside and will be there until he gets it and that you will be blocking his number.  Put his stuff in a box an set it outside.

Then you can fall apart - right now, be practical - ACT in a way that will give you a safe place to heal.

Is it easy... .  no

Can you do it... .  absolutely -have faith in yourself right now to take care of your own needs.

Peace,

SB

[cal644]

Here's my 2 cents worth.  My wife also had an emotional affair. I also received some texts similar to yours.  But when I held my boundaries - she would blow a gasket - saying their just friends I need to get over it and drop it.  The mixed messages were so tuff for me - but ask yourself - if isn't willing to stop are you ok with that?  Also ask youurself if this happens a year from now would you be ok with that?  My answer to both of those questions were no - if she will not respect my/your boundaries it shows they have no respect for us.

[healingmyheart]

Thank you everyone!

Cal, you are right... .  it wasn't right what he did in the past and it's not right now.  This is so hard.  My rational brain tells me what to do but when I get these off the wall texts, I lose my head.


The lies hurt so bad... .  

[healingmyheart]

Texts have been coming all night long.  He also sent pictures from a party he is at (mututal friends of him and his married "friend). I have no doubt she is with him.

He knows I'm doing a race sunday and I just received a text ":)o you mind if I come to the race on Sunday?"  If I don't answer him, I risk him being there.  Looks like I may have to forgo the race which I've already paid for and planned with a girlfriend.  This isn't right!

While he is out at a party, I'm sitting in bed with red eyes from crying all day trying my best to not respond to his texts.  Yesterday he pretty much paints me black and tells me we are over (we've been over for awhile but he doesn't seem to get that) and today he sends a text saying he's going to approach things differently.  He isn't going to give up on us.  We just need to take things slowly. 

I've done everything I know to do.  I kicked him out (had to change the locks to finally get him out because he wouldn't go... .  actually he slept in his car in the driveway the first night... .  I'm not kidding).  I packed his belongings in two days... .  he refused to come get his stuff until I told him I would just take it to the end of the road for trash pickup on Monday if he didn't get it. I even got legal advice from a lawyer.  I blocked him on Facebook and had to ask mutual friends to block him because after they deleted him as a friend, he kept resending friend requests.  I got a security system in place per my counselors advice.  I don't know any other way to say "GO AWAY!" 

I'm getting exhausted and don't know how much more of this I can take.  Is anyone else dealing with the constant onslaught of confusing communication? 

[cal644]

I got a ton of the mixed messages ... .  one day I get a text from my stbexw about how she is so sorry for the things she said.  The very next morning I get an email from her attorney that if I don't quit texting her I'll have a restraining order against me.    She loves me, she hates me, she loves me, she hates me... .  Best advise from me - run the race - show that you are in control. Show that you could care less if he shows up - its your race - not his!

[aluminumRob]

Be strong SMS.  You can do this.

Something that's helped me: When he (or she, in my case) expresses nice feelings toward you, and you find yourself imagining how nice/easy it would be to get back together... .  give yourself a reality check by imagining how terrible it would be when he suddenly rejects you, and effectively forgets he ever had those nice feelings in the first place.

It's one of the hardest things for us to do, to see through the offers of niceness and normalcy to the emotional betrayal that sits right behind it.  Part of what makes it so hard is that even the pwBPD doesn't see it... .  but it's always there.

Wishing you the best.

[healingmyheart]

cal644, You are right, I should go to the race anyway but I just don't know that I can deal with seeing him right now.  He will want to talk and I'm not strong enough right now to confront him face to face.

aluminumRob, Thank you for your insight. You are correct... .  the rejection is just right around the corner.

My ex is trying to get me back while he is going behind my back pretending that he no longer is communicating with his married "friend". 

I've decided that I'm just going to mail his last bit of belongings to his married friend's house... .  addressed to him but c/o friends name.  I'll make a point that I know what he is doing and he will get his crap back and maybe he will back off and leave me alone. 

I'm so over this.  She can have him and his dysfunctional dynamics.  I want my life back. 

[healingmyheart]

The fact of the matter is that his married friend is enjoying being placed on a pedestal right now but it won't be long and he'll be blaming her for breaking us up and how his life is all messed up. 

Ultimately someone is going to have to take responsibility for his screwed up life and it's not going to be him.


This married friend is the very one who introduced us... .  I will never understand for a second how she feels its ok to continue her emotional affair with him. 

[healingmyheart]

The more I think about it, the more i like the idea of sending my ex's belongings to his married friend.  By addressing it to him, c/o girlfriend... .  it's almost as if I'm returning him back to her.  It's like she introduced us and turned him over to me 2 years ago and I've been babysitting him and now I'm sending him back to her and she can babysit him again but this time she can have him back for good. 

I think it will be a cathartic experience for me... .  

I can't sleep, can you tell?  I think that's why I'm sitting here talking to myself... .  what I would give to be able to sleep again... .  

[healingmyheart]

Although I feel extremely exhausted after a very difficult day yesterday and a sleepless night last night, I feel stronger today.  I reached an all time low yesterday and well, there is nowhere to go but up at this point.  I can't stay in this emotional turmoil anymore... .  

I just took the final belongings of my ex's to the post office.  I mailed it to his married girlfriend... .  addressed to my ex.  I now no longer have to worry about him trying to come to the house to get the rest of his stuff.  Everything of his is officially out of here. 

I cannot do the race knowing that my ex will probably be there to try and manipulate me.  I think by me not going it shows that I'm serious about NC.

I'm done.  I OFFICIALLY WILL NOT COMMUNICATE WITH MY EX AGAIN... .  EVER! 

Time to take care of me... .  

[crashintome]

I'm so so so proud of you.  Your strength is an inspiration to me.  I hope I can be strong and vigilant like you when I'm faced with the decision to break NC.

[healingmyheart]

One day at a time.  I can't do this depressed stuff anymore.

Sending that package back with the last of my ex's stuff to his married girlfriend was therapeutic for me.  It's like when I turned in that package and let go of it at the post office, I was letting go of him and turning him back over to the very women who introduced us... .  she can have him back with all his emotional baggage.  I want normalcy again. 

Do whatever it takes symbolically to move forward.  You don't want to get stuck forever.  We deserve so much more.

[real lady]

  Is anyone else dealing with the constant onslaught of confusing communication? 

STOP listening to it. TURN OFF your phone and GO TO YOUR RACE. I would let your family and friends know that YOU ARE GOING TO RUN in the race and you are not going to let anyone intimidate, scare or threaten you by "being there" when they weren't invited. DO NOT respond or you will be back on the "recycle cycle"... .  YOU deserve better and GOOD LUCK with the race. You will do great.

[Sunshinegirl3275]

Hi SMS,

Just checking in to say hello and I hope you are doing ok. It's one day at a time! I'm proud of you!

Hopefully you are off the rollercoaster ride!

[healingmyheart]

Hey sunshinegirl,

Thank you for checking up on me.  I'm dong a little better day by day.  Last night i went with a friend to a Divorce and Recovery meeting.  I felt silly since i'm not going through a divorce but obviously the baggage regardless is all the same.  So, what ever it takes to heal, I'm willing to do.

After sending my ex's stuff to his married girlfriend, he called and texted me in an uproar saying he doesn't communicate with her anymore and boy, was he pissed.  He had me convinced that I was wrong and crazy and now of course, I'm feeling bad.  Maybe I had belittled myself to his level and acted as childish as him.  Idk, but by doing what I did I was able to let go of him in a sense and move forward.  It was my way of saying, I don't want him anymore, take him. 

I can see why it takes so long to heal... .  so many feelings to process and recovery from. 

I don't even know who I am anymore.  That's sad

[jaird]

Go into your account with your cell provider and block his calls and texts.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Hi Stolemysoul,

3 weeks is still very new for you, you will get used to it. Time does not heal everything, but in the end disappointment will take care of it. When someday you are feeling extremely disappointed, and don't even want to deal with that disappointment anymore - by then you will be able to ignore him/ not wanting to talk to him NATURALLY.

I guess this is where I am at right now.  3 months out of the r/s, went LC, recently went N/C for about a week. The best way to deal with him is IGNORE. I know it is hard. You can't force your heart. But one day, one day soon, hopefully, you will feel the needs to - ignore him. Hopefully that will happen, because it is going to be the best thing that ever happens for you after you met him.

[healingmyheart]

Thank you DepressedIsolated Meg,

He is still on my mind 24/7 so I look forward to the day I don't have to be so self absorbed with him.  I'm hoping at 3 months I will be able to let go more.  I just want my life back... .  

[jaird]

Thank you DepressedIsolated Meg,

He is still on my mind 24/7 so I look forward to the day I don't have to be so self absorbed with him.  I'm hoping at 3 months I will be able to let go more.  I just want my life back... .  

I would say three months was a small milestone for me, I stopped caring so much and chalked it all up to a bad experience. But then we broke NC a few times, and she is really all about hurting me now, blaming me, distorting facts, etc.

One positive thing to breaking NC is that I see what a monster she has become. But NC seems better