'Doing his best', can that be a trigger?

[UBhappy]

Hi, everyone. It has been a while since I posted here. That's because things went fairly well. My BPDH had some medication (homeopathic) that helped a lot. Also, our daughter left the house, to live in another city, and husband and daughter are doing great now. (Husband being Jehovahs Witness, and daughter not wanting tot be a Witness was a HUGE trigger for arguments and him feeling a bad person, of course. But now she's not living in the same house anymore, and husband doesn't feel responsible for her (in a JW way, being responsible for HER religious wellbeing), and now he feels relieved and they are best friends. Who would have thought! He even 'accepts' that she studies Philosophy what of course is similar to be friends with Satan himself. Ahem.)

So, things are really going well, and I am glad I made the choice to stay with him, a few years ago, even though we had a hard time then.

Now and then, there's a little 'bad' episode. Watching a movie that has any (little) nude seems to be a 'trigger' of feeling bad and horrible and depressed. But that one is relatively easy to avoid.

However, I have the feeling that there is another trigger: When he tries to do 'his best'. When he tries to 'do his best' for example at JW-related stuff (studying the bible, doing fieldservice, etc.) soon he starts to feel depressed. Then when we talk about it and I tell him he needs to be more relaxed (i.e. NOT preparing for meetings by reading the stuff in advance, doing fieldservice only one time a week ). When he does that, he immediately feels better.

But of course, doing 'relaxed' is not the JW-style. So, when he feels better, he is happy and he can change the world, and one more time wants to do 'his best'.

I think that the JW-system is a big trigger itself, but since he clings to it as if it is his mother, I do not try to get him out of it. It's is safe haven. Or at least... .  that would be if he was perfect, which he isn't, so that makes him feel bad and sinful and... .  

I don't want to point at the JW-system all the time, this is just the best example. But... .  could it be that 'doing his best' itself is a trigger? (because it's 'trying to be perfect' - something that will never happen?)

Thanks for reading!

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[Mara2]

I'm still learning too, but I think the answer is yes.  From what I know of JW system, which is little, they do emphasize working hard to be "good", am I right?  Since BPDs don't have much middle ground he will, in his mind, have to do everything perfectly or he is all bad. 

Is there someone in leadership you can trust to talk to?  Perhaps they can help to relieve the pressure by not asking him to do too much? 

I was glad to hear that things are going better with your daughter. 

Can I ask what is the medication that is helping?  You can PM me if you don't want to post here.  My H is looking for something non-addictive that will help with his anxiety. 

[briefcase]

Hi,

I'm glad things have been mostly good for you.  It sounds like the situation with your daughter worked out very well!  

It's pretty natural to try to figure out what makes our partners tick.  But, in the end, its not something that we focus on too much because its not something we can really control.  People with BPD have an underlying problem.  The "triggers" don't cause the condition, they just stir up the emotional hornet's nest which is already there.  I'm sure that perfectionism and the disappointment of "coming up short" can be a trigger.  Its an interesting observation, but probably not something you can change about him.  Nor should you try.  

[UBhappy]

Thanks for the advice!

It's not that I try to change my husband.

But since he has showen to be willing to change, I thought it can help him understand himself a little more.

The same thing happened with 'black and white'-thinking. When I found out about that, and recognized it, and explained it to him he finally understood what happens in his mind. Now, whenever he gets in a Black/White modus, I ask him (with a smile): Is this you talking, or the Borderline? - and then he realizes what is happening, and tries to reconsider the situation in a less black/white manner.

So realizing what happens in his head helped him a lot.

And I wondered if realizing what the triggers are could be helpful too.

So whenever he feels bad about himself, I can remind him of the trigger that might have been the cause of the situation.

For my husband - reminding him of the BPD makes him feel better, because he realizes that some things (like feeling depressed sometimes, or black and white thinking) happen automatically, and are not HIS fault. It lightens the burden a little. And HE never used BPD as an excuse for his behavior. He tries to behave 'better' when he sees that he's showing BPD-behavior.

And that's why I asked if 'doing his best' can be a trigger.

[briefcase]

If he's diagnosed and wants your help with these things, then you can probably talk to him about this when he's in a good place.  See if he thinks it may be a trigger (which it probably is), and if he wants you to point it out when you see it.  Most often, my wife (who is undiagnosed) does not like it when I point out her triggers - hunger, her family, my family, deadlines, holidays, birthdays, last minute changes of plans, busy schedules, etc.     

I just use my knoweldge of these triggers to be aware that she may be feeling exta anxious so I can validate those feelings!  

[an0ught]

Hi UBhappy,

However, I have the feeling that there is another trigger: When he tries to do 'his best'. When he tries to 'do his best' for example at JW-related stuff (studying the bible, doing fieldservice, etc.) soon he starts to feel depressed. Then when we talk about it and I tell him he needs to be more relaxed (i.e. NOT preparing for meetings by reading the stuff in advance, doing fieldservice only one time a week ). When he does that, he immediately feels better.

But of course, doing 'relaxed' is not the JW-style. So, when he feels better, he is happy and he can change the world, and one more time wants to do 'his best'.

I think that the JW-system is a big trigger itself, but since he clings to it as if it is his mother, I do not try to get him out of it. It's is safe haven. Or at least... .  that would be if he was perfect, which he isn't, so that makes him feel bad and sinful and... .  

you realize that he is helpless making the decision to relax, that he struggles with his need for perfection and acceptance. Your support helps him a lot and it is good that he can experience more balance!

You seem also to take the role for him making these decisions. It may be better to stick to validating his frustration, desire for perfection, guilt not to give every last drop of blood for the worthy cause etc. but leave the ownership for decision making with him. At one point in time he has to learn to make these decisions and accept the consequences of dealing with guilt etc. but also pride looking after himself and a stronger sense of self. Right now he seems to need the permission of JW or you to do anything. That is not healthy. And you making decisions for him sustains the co-dependent setup in your relationship.

Think about emotional care-taking vs general care-taking.