Two and a half years after the "official" b/u... Feeling detached at last

[findingmyselfagain]

It's almost 2.5 years since we officially broke up. During the r/s and esp the honeymoon, I'd never have thought I'd be on a board writing about the destructiveness of the r/s and recovering, much less 2.5 years after it was over. The good news is I c an say I'm feeling more like myself than I ever have. I've grown more comfortable dating "nice" and healthy women. I was exploring the area of the city we (me and the pwBPD) spent most of our time in. I didn't feel the emotional connection that I've usually felt. It's like I'm seeing it with fresh, new eyes and really soaking in the details. I noticed more than I noticed before. For the most part it seemed as if I was just exploring and enjoying a new spot in the city. I don't think I've ever been so alive and able to enjoy the moments as I am now. It takes time, but pressing on is worth it!

[Clearmind]

FMA, thanks for checking in - I am very pleased for you. Its a great feeling.

You are awake now, don't need another person to fulfill you - I also feel that way.

Certainly sounds like you are present

What helped you the most?

[bb12]

that's so wonderful FMSA!

Contrats to you... . and thanks for coming back to share your progress!

I am not too far behind you and feel I am in the death throes of the acceptance stage and very close to personal freedom. I also have begun to feel exactly as you do. Everything is clearer or sharper.

I think it comes down to being more in the moment and less in a state of PTSD or FOG

For me, the need to know dimished and it was what it was. I stopped being stuck in 'understanding' and accepted all of it.

My most recent posts have been about topics that help me get more certainty about my own issues and how well I have addressed those, and less to do with my ex. I think that is a final stage in the healing and even managed to go out on the weekend and a few hours into the evening realised I had not been looking for him. Because we live in the same town, when I go to our old haunts I have been dreading a run-in. But this time I had not even thought about him and was instead just in the moment and having fun.



bb12

[findingmyselfagain]

bb12,

Nice to hear you're doing well, too! What helped me the most was basically forcing myself to live life, find new interests, and re-discover/re-invent myself. I joined a sports league and b/c I paid for it, I was more motivated to go though it was difficult in the beginning. Life was a "chore" for a long time but it seemed to get easier and easier as I plodded through the toxic sludge. At first even small amounts of intimacy like hanging out with friends would leave me tired out and anxious. Not any more!

I've had a few good dates and STRs that were with healthy women. I ended a LDR b/c I didn't feel like the distance was fulfilling though she was a good partner. I met another woman who was nice and had a great connection, but she was divorced about a year ago and wasn't ready. I applaud her for making the right choice. I've made tons of progress. I believe in my ability to choose a good partner now, and I believe I'm worthy of someone amazing!

I've also re-decorated my condo. It was a bit of bachelor's pad before I met my ex. Then we remodeled it to become a home and coming to an empty "home" was depressing for a long time. I've definitely put my stamp on it. I brought in some furniture from family, my grandparents' couch they bought when they married (in 1940), my granddad's stereo (1961), a milkcan from their farm. A picture from my grandparents' living room. I bought a poker/dining table to put in the dining area. It's a very homey bachelor's pad which wouldn't have been possible without my ex. Kind of funny, isn't it?

I realized I neglected my Yellow (Fun) core personality (see The Color Code). I've gotten much more in touch with my fun side and allowed myself to loosen and have fun and be a little immature. It's been very freeing as I've seen a side of myself Iv'e kept hidden for a long time.

I've also accepted the impossible/unhealthy nature of any communication or future with my ex. I suppose I wanted to believe in the love for a long time. And I'm naturally compassionate and don't like to know that she suffers. But accepting the impersonal nature of the disorder helps a lot and is very freeing, too. I don't have to worry about her b/c it's not my job! I'm free to enjoy life.